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If someone reliable could tell me when in the future films would become solely based on finances it’d certainly save me the hassle of looking up articles on the Internet. If someone told me it would be next week I wouldn’t be shocked in the least since in it’s current state it’s just about at the point where it’s not about telling a story but a good way to rope in a few thousand people and scam them out of $10 because Will Smith pretends to act (I’ll get into that in just a moment.) As an up and coming independent film maker I have many issues of how things are dealt with in Hollyweird. To rattle of several quick ones — planning sequels months prior to the film’s release (it’s a half-cocked gesture mostly from the studios and regardless of how good you think it is or how profitable you believe it will become you must keep in mind the judgment of the public will have the real say), the MPAA and their rating system and advertising standards, 20th Century Fox (I’ll get into them later as well), studios pushing for PG-13 ratings for a wider audience (I don’t care what educational background you have but to try and make “Punisher: War Zone” PG-13 because “The Dark Knight” conveniently was and made a shit-ton of money doesn’t make it just. How can you make a man’s head exploding soft-core?), and painful “actors”. Let’s break it down, kids.

In case you haven’t noticed that for the last several years 20th Century Fox has prowled on modern celluloid like a drunk man in a bar or a 13 year-old white kid from Iowa who thinks he’s black, they think showing their cock will win affection. Wrong. Lately they’ve really been pouring gas on themselves. The bigger stunt recently is their lawsuit against Warner Bros. over upcoming comic book movie “Watchmen”. The studio claimed that Warner Bros. didn’t hold the rights to make the Alan Moore graphic novel or at least distribute the picture, never minding the fact that Warner Bros. owns DC Comics/Vertigo for which the graphic novel resides on.  So now they are currently in a legal battle to do either one of two things — make it so that Fox is the distributor (which can only mean they will ghastly edit the movie into a mind-numbing 90-minute feature that contains only the parts where there is fighting and shit blowing up with no intellectual transition) or to completely wipe the movie’s release date off the calendar completely, never releasing it. Though luckily given that the justice system moves about as fast as tree sap downhill in the winter the trial may not actually begin until January of 2009, a mere two months before it’s slated release date. Given that Fox has a tendency to shoot their wad like they know what they’re doing chances are (this is at least wishful thinking) the case will rule in Warner Bros.’s favor.

Another valid point that Fox has no idea what they are doing to tell a story visually is going around the creators to have it your way. This is unprofessional and also a dick move. One instance stated in the following article is on the upcoming “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” which tells the tale of how Wolverine came to be (Weapon X program, scrapes with Sabertooth, etc.) and needless to say a very dark tale which requires seemingly dark environments.  One such environment was changed without the director’s knowledge. What called for something “dark, dinghy and somber” was changed to something less depressing with lighter colors and cleaner textures. Now if in the correct fashion this can work in favor but unless you’re doing some “One Hour Photo”/”American Psycho” clean-looking thriller then you are a pussy of a film maker. Changing a set’s design to something more cheery (a colorful euphemism) is almost a denial of reality itself, thinking it can’t be this dark and disgusting when in truth it can be because it fucking is! You can’t cover a bald Kevin Spacey in Laffy Taffy and believe he just killed Brad Pitt’s girlfriend (if you can, please lower your dosage.)

Changing lanes here — YOU CAN’T PUT WILL SMITH IN EVERYTHING! Okay, chances are I’m blaspheming here but you know what I have to say this, why should I really give a shit about a movie because Will Smith is in it? Because conveniently 98% of the movies he’s done have raked in billions?  Will Smith isn’t that fantastic an actor. His barometer for character ranges from a good guy who says “fuck” a lot to a good guy who doesn’t say “fuck” at all. Occasionally he’ll mix it up and have the good guy be a bit of a dick or an arrogant douche but for the love of God just knock it off. It doesn’t matter how fantastic he seems you can’t cast him as “The Karate Kid” or Captain America, it’s wrong on every level imaginable to the sane. If I could ever afford his salary for a movie I’d have him play a serial killer who hardly speaks just to break the mold, and when he does speak it’s in a strange language. To help illustrate my point, whenever I see a movie that has Will Smith in it I know it’s Will Smith, I can’t believe he’s anyone else. I can believe Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne and Trent Reznik, I can believe Josh Hartnett as Slevin Kelevra and The Salesman, but you throw Will Smith into a role I’m gonna know it’s him regardless. Captain Hillard, Muhammad Ali, Jesus Christ, I’ll only think, “Oh, hey, Will Smith.” You may think I’m daft for uttering or even thinking such a thing but I’ve heard a similar tear about Christopher Walken and look at his fucking acting skills. (Inside joke: 111th biopic on Andy Warhol starring Chris Walken.)

A couple other mini-rants. If you’ve never been to Massachusetts or talked to someone from there for more than 20 minutes then it’s news to you that often people from their have a habit of shooting their mouth off. Mark Wahlberg is from Massachusetts, so for him saying that Max Payne could take down Batman in hand-to-hand combat makes sense coming from him but is ghastly offensive to the point where if I saw him in a pub I would shatter the closest bottle near me and jab it into his eye socket. First of all the two characters are miles apart, Payne wants revenge for his wife’s death while Bruce Wayne/Batman wants justice for them and others. And also dropping the obvious factor to play in, he’s fucking Batman. Imagine if you will a man standing before an expert martial artist who is performing a series of moves for intimidation and Joe Guy takes him down by jabbing him in the throat. And in the interview where he made this claim he mentioned it was strictly in the matter of fisticuffs, not the box office which shows even more delusion since if you’ve seen any previews for “Max Payne” you’d know that Fox has ruined another video game on the big screen. Well kids I’m putting out the ashes for now. My next piece will detail the new releases of Metallica’s “Death Magnetic” and Nine Inch Nails’ “The Slip”, and how the two contrast each other. See you on the other side, keep it sketchy.

=Sketch/Ed

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