One look at our vending machines will tell you that office-dwelling drones like Your Humble Narrator are always seeking out exotic drinkable liquids. Especially if said liquids are reputed to be imbued with energizing or stupefying properties. Maybe it’s the condition of our imprisonment, which in this office typically involves non-ergonomic, castoff cubicles, brutally punishing chairs, and cthonic food from the grim eateries which dot the surrounding wasteland (these bleak offerings might make Franz Kafka shrug resignedly and reach for a fork, but personally they make me bemoan the lack of a 24-hour Korean restaurant in the immediate vicinity). Maybe it’s the psychological/economic bondage of a modern business environment, wherein failure is not an option and the creature comforts are best described as “hit-or-miss”. Maybe it’s the high frustration level, combined with lack of sleep (due to work-related worries) which can make us rage like fearsome goetic demons forced to watch Legally Blonde 2.

In any case, even if one just examines the elaborate cultural rituals associated with (for instance) shotgunning sugar-free Red Bull (I’ll try to post about this in the future) or popping down to the local sports bar for a bottom-shelf Long Island iced tea (referred to by us cognoscenti as an “ether and sour mix” because of its unusual psychotogenic properties which cannot be individually ascribed to any of its constituent boozes)… it’s clear that there’s some kind of collective drinks-based coping behavior which spans the nerd-steppenwolf demographic and, unpredictably, inches insidiously into the repertoire of fairly respectable Liberal Arts majors. My personal theory is that these behaviors start out as pathological compulsions, until they are copied by at least one other person, whereby they attain official meme-hood, which in turn makes the progenitor feel justified, so he/she repeats the action, and then the cycle self-perpetuates until the meme gets old, the participants die/get fired, or until the required ingredients become exhausted.

Take for example, the practice of dropping a teabag into a hot cup of coffee.

This loathsome act is a true last-ditch effort. The participants are so jaded in their exhaustion, this is the final frontier, the nadir, the Last Judgment. Whether our nights are spent boozing it up or writing code until the wee hours, the effect is astonishingly similar. Once-human organisms are now reduced to soulless husks, caricatures of our former selves. In this degraded condition, we crave stimulus, which, at this advanced stage, can only be brought about by a handful of questionable exercise stimulants, washed down with an overpriced canister of phenylalanine-rich chemical ooze.

Such was our Monday mindset when, today, my staunch acolyte and I devised a new and gruesome sacrament. By steeping a teabag in a cup of infernally steaming coffee, our desire was to harness the clarity and energy of the strong black tea, tempered with the anxiety and panic of the coffee. The result was a murky liquid, which looked a lot like that black stuff which engulfed James Brolin toward the end of The Amityville Horror. Perhaps most singular was the aftertaste, a bitter, lingering tang of tannins. It is testament to my own slow, sad deterioration that I found the mixture to be not wholly unpleasant. Perhaps most disturbing is the understanding that I might voluntarily drink this again.

Below is a transcript of our findings:
(02:13:57 PM) me: dude this actually isn’t as awful as I thought it would be
(02:14:16 PM) XXXXX: its almost good
(02:14:25 PM) me: for real
(02:14:32 PM) me: I already feel more jacked up
(02:15:08 PM) XXXXX: then we should call it jack bauer’s tea bag
(02:15:28 PM) me: hahahahahah
(02:15:58 PM) me: I was going to suggest we could call it “Nightside of Eden” - I like yours better
(02:16:27 PM) XXXXX: well yours is for sure more poetic
(02:17:34 PM) me: “chai-flavored roundhouse kick to the taint”
(02:18:07 PM) XXXXX: thats it!
(02:18:16 PM) XXXXX: thats the taste in my mouth exactly!
(02:18:32 PM) me: “the sweat from Charles Bronson’s brow”
(02:18:57 PM) me: “Paul Schaeffer’s smarm in a cup”
(02:18:57 PM) XXXXX: strained through kurt russels pubes
(02:19:02 PM) me: hahahah

• I ID’d a colonist from Aliens as the Captain from Red Dwarf. I am PIMP #
• Did I mention I only saw Red Dwarf for the first time ever yesterday? #
• watching Aliens again. wish I had a copy of Event Horizon to watch afterwards. it’s like peas n carrots! #
• @brianshaler I’ve had at least 1 new follower who seems more about pushing a biz via twitter than anything. I feel yer pain re: 30boxes #
• @gapingvoid DAMMIT! I was in TX a few months ago, right next to a sonic, and i SO missed out. *jealous* #
• not use a social media for experiments or games? I respect @annaleen but it seems paranoid & grumpy #
• This snow is offensive to me. #
• @joanmarie i’ve been sick all week and I walked .25mi with trees pooing snow on me X_X #
• http://tweetstats.com/graphs/Giania infoporn on my tweeting habits! #
• I’ve decided I’m going to follow everyone who follows me, ‘cept other teams. @teamoctarine is where it’s at #
• @drhypercube innit? found it via http://tinyurl.com/2twblw #
• @drhypercube I’m adding a twitter plugin (&updating my other WP plugins) right now #
• @jabancroft thank you for your mention of TwitterTools, I couldn’t find that info anywhere else! #
• just got some REAL sudafed from a coworker. there may be breathing in my future! #
• @iscatterling DUDE. you are Xtreeeeme! :P headcolds are beyond sucky, ya know? #
• @patrickcurl of course it’s okay to ask! Part of having a network is leveraging their help :) #
• man, I really gotta get around to canceling my stupid, useless cable #
• sudafed can’t quite keep up, tea getting cold. oh lawd what will I do?? #
• @gapingvoid I like the idea of PRT. short, recognizable, etc. #
• @gapingvoid you already got my yes vote on PRT! :D #

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• so can people see what I choose to track? #
• I need to learn what adding # to subjects does #
• sweet mother of mercy, another seo-type! :) hi @andrewbaron #

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Man, that Jack Bauer sure is an impressive guy, huh? Not only is he a rugged agent who has already risen to “Chuck Norris Joke” levels of bad-assery, but he’s also smart and resourceful. He’s got all these cool gadgets, he’s totally connected to the most sophisticated backbone of data in the world.

Now picture him trying to get silent phone calls in ducts above terrorists with strategic info, or to get compound plans directly to the dashboard of his car… in 1994.

Someone did just that and the result is this brilliantly hilarious short film. It’s behind a cut tag due to its curious “widescreen” format.

Read the rest of this entry »

In recent weeks I feel as though in the struggle to constantly produce content, I Can Has Cheezburger has slowly changed formats from its origins of “amusing image macro cats of various internet origin”. At this point it seems to cater less to savvy internet addicts with a general fondness for cats and seems to be favoring crazy pet owners who enjoy photographing their pets in specific poses so they may then make up a lengthy caption that explains the entirety of any joke they may have been trying to drive at, even if it’s not actually funny when done with subtlety. I will cite examples that have lead me to a reaction of *cutcutcut* instead of I LOL’D!

• Is this supposed to be a lol-dog? More like a corndog amirite?
• A primary example of what I like to call “Trying too hard”.
• Should have been “Diabeetus”. Seriously, what else do you do with a cat like that besides make fun of Wilford Brimley?
• Yes, we get it, you own a cat and a giant stuffed Ewok. Does anyone care? Is this funny to anyone?
• No, David Bowie has one “stuck” pupil, not two different colored eyes. Thanks for playing though.

I actually unsubscribed from the RSS feed after a rash of this nonsense. However, going back to look for the links of what I feel were the biggest offenders I do admit I saw several from the last few days that did in fact make me LOL. I definitely respect the site for being on top of the petfood issue, since undoubtedly a large part of the audience isn’t just basement-dwelling nerds, but actual pet owners who love their animals. Nevertheless, I’m discouraged to see some of the posted submissions turn towards the dark side of generic 40-cats-crazy ladies posting photos of their “babies”. Keep it sharp, ICHC!

And lest I forget, HEY ICHC! A Challenger Appears! (They always do.)
LOLBots - A collection of image macros and captioned photos of various robots. A co-LOL-ction for those with animal allergies? A site for the more technologically inclined? Generally freaking awesome? You be the judge. They’re out to prove that “Robots are the new kittens”, which I take to mean that they want to prove robots are just as adorable and LOL-worthy as any ol’ LOLcat ever was. They’ve already been linked to by a few webcomics, like Diesel Sweeties and Questionable Content. The traffic generated from those links was enough to force them to throw up a makeshift splash page. Plain though it is, you get an immediate taste for their sense of humor with a photo of Data LOL-ing with the caption “INVISIBLE EMOTION CHIP”. How nerd-tastic is that?

Just in case you weren’t aware, Opera-tan spells it out for you.

What can I say? Lady though she may be, she doesn’t fucking play around, you know what I mean?

This Words To Know is being brought to you today by “why the hell not?” and also by “not formatted anything like the other ones”. Now with 99% less Wikipedia and 100% more link mouseover info. This makes it sort of revolutionary among its brethren, and also somewhat of a jerk.

First thing's first. With the recent pet food scare, and me owning a kitty of which I have yet to take pictures, I decided it was time to find out what kitty ought to be eating. There were a lot of resources out there, but the best has to be this recipe for a “raw food” catfood. More on how that works out later.

One of the suggested ingredients in there is a whole rabbit (minus skin and fur of course). That's not a euphamism for kibble, either. That's the real deal, 1 whole Peter Cottontail, 1 whole Benjamin Bunny, 1 whole hexen hase[2]. I myself am going to settle for the chicken option, it's a lot more accessible and ultimately much more afforadable.

That's just one of several things I've managed to suss up lately. I've gotten into a lot of bizzare philosophical debates on IRC lately, and one of the most recent involved average IQ. (Intelligence has been on my mind a lot lately, particularly the calling into question of my own. Which is a patently ridiculous scenario, I realize.) Of course, show me a person with a truly average IQ and I'll probably be so stricken by the unlikelihood of it all that I'll spontaneously develop bizzare psychic powers to not be outdone in the oddity department.

Speaking of the oddity department, and discoveries, I've decided that I'm intensely enamored of the whole “Gothic Lolita” fashion style. The lovely Annalee over at ToM pointed out the store site for Baby, The Stars Shine Bright. I spent a while browsing there and then struck out on my own, looking for more super-fun visual styles in that vein. It is of course by no means practical, but it's so enjoyably artful that I can't help but be fascinated by it.

This leads to my last little bit, which like most of the rest of this post will be less of an proper WTK and more of a personal aside. At some point while gushing over how adorable a bunch of cosplayers were I quipped something to the effect of “quick, everybody gimme me money so I can buy a Suiseiseki costume!” However, my attempt to be funny went slightly off-center with someone and I wound up being donated $15 through PayPal. …so now I intend to hold that money aside and put it towards buying real hosting for my site as I mentioned wanting to months ago. I guess I am willing to take other donations but I'm not really all that keen on the idea since it feels sort of absurd to take handouts for something as simple as hosting. What I will accept with open arms are suggestions on a low-cost, stable hosting solution that will support wordpress.

kuro5hin.org posted a story yesterday that at first made me laugh, then made a minor amount of sense, then made me cluck my tongue in irritation with this country's rampant paranoia.

TRON, as in battle bikes, everybody's glow in the dark, Master Control Program TRON - that TRON, has been cited as a “sensitive” by the illustrious US Department of Homeland Security.

To paraphrase, TRON contains scenes of a former government testing facility. The scenes they're talking about are the “real world” ones with all the intense lab equipment strewn about. Showing this lab equipment, which is apparently the actual lab equipment that was used at that facility, is a potential security breach.

In a move that I can only describe as “shutting the barn door after the horse has run out”, the DHS is going on a crusade to sieze all copies of the movie. In addition to writing Disney a huge nasty-gram, they have also been sending nasty-grams out to film retailers large and small.

Thankfully, there was some dissent among the working class, even if Disney officials were scared to say anything.

Government conspiracy to undermine our morale in subtle ways? Disney plot to move a copies of TRON?
YOU DECIDE!

http://thesurrealist.co.uk/space?user=giania
My space adventure is pretty hilarious, as is my dungeon adventure!
http://thesurrealist.co.uk/dungeon?user=giania