RKNet Blog... Thing

So I remember just enough of my dreams to merit writing them down. The reason I remember is because I was awakened by a combination of the cat scratching loudly at the door for breakfast, and the very last bit of the dream (which I’ll get to momentarily).

Going in list form because I don’t necessarily remember big details.

• Several people were standing outside the mill building where I work, and I didn’t really recognize most of them.
• I seemed to be viewing this through the eyes of a girl who was on the ground, but was also the “camera’s” focus at times.
• People were throwing small objects on the ground with video game-esque results. Items like cherry tomatoes tossed to the ground to be mixed with something I think they called bitter acid. Where it then turned into 3 or 4 seperate items (one of which included a whole smaller tomato and a somewhat squished smaller tomato).
• Girl-on-the-ground seemed to be our alchemist here. She also seemed to be captive by a large, angry, rather unattractive man.
• It appeared she was voluntarily mute. She defied him by not giving him the right results of the tomato alchemy, or handing him something that wasn’t what he wanted.
• Somewhere in here, she apparently felt as though she could make an escape, so she did. However, it appeared that at least one of her legs didn’t work so she was dragging herself as fast as she could by walking forward with her hands and dragging her body behind. (Which she was good at.)
• Little moments betray that her legs do work, at least some of the time. It’s never understood why she doesn’t walk or run.
• She flees across the bridge and over into the other part of the mill building, which seems to be part mill building and part fancy house… thing.
• He is following inexorably behind, taking a kind of Pepe LaPew approach, quick but not so fast that she doesn’t have an opportunity to feel like she mgiht actually be able to hide somewhere.
• A door looking like an understair (no stairs there, though) cabinet has a knob low enough for her to reach without getting up. She looks around for her pursuer, and not seeing him or hearing him close enough to tell for sure where she went, she drags herself quickly into the nook and shuts the door.
• Despite a lack of lights it’s not totally dark in the cubby. She drags herself to the far corner, behind where the door opens into the space (even though I think she opened it outward) and gasps raggedly, trying to catch her breath and be silent at the same time.
• Moments later the door opens inward, and his face slides in, turning immediately to face her in her corner.
• A little fuzzy here but no force seemed to be used to extract her from the space.
• Trying smaller doors within the cabinet revealed someone’s pantry to her.
• Vauge confusing images of urban exploration type areas go here.
• There was some kind of gathering to which both Ugly Guy and Crawling Girl were to attend.
• There was a decent-sized audience, in a hotel conference room sort of setup, with fancy dinner chairs. I think it might have been a dress-up film affair.
• People start smoking in the back of the room. This causes a wave of coughing to ensue and complaints to be issued.
• At some point in all this, A HORRIBLE CLOWN MONSTER APPEARS! (FIGHT, ITEM, MAGIC, RUN)
• People seemed to scatter. There was much mayhem. Some Beetlejuice-esque antics, with items turning traitor and scaring people witless.
• Fuzziness here.

And of course, the last thing I remember before I woke up. The girl who had been dragging herself by her arms was bying taunted by this horrible clown beast. (Who was visible, invisible, in other forms, and generally everywhere at once, I might add.) He was trying very hard to make her afraid, weak and helpless. Part of what prevented him from attacking her outright was it seemed she needed to make a wish first. Once that wish was fulfilled, he would have his horrible, monstery way with her. Slowly, slowly she stood up on her own, trying to be steady and collect her thoughts.

Friends who had been run off the scene because the buggy thing they were in ran amok with them in it, finally came back on the scene after regaining some measure of control.

They arrived just in time to see the following:
The girl stammered “I wish… I wish… I wish…. I wish I’d stop saying I wish.”
Her eyes widened with horror, and frantically she searched about for help.
“NO! That wasn’t me who said that! He made me say it! He was moving my mouth!”
As she says this, the horrible (total Stephen King’s mini-series Tim Curry style IT) clown beast is revealed to indeed be holding her jaw, as he’s practically wrapped around her like a cloak.
These friends look on in horror, as the horrible clown monster pulls back his lips to reveal jagged, shark-like teeth, which he then sinks into the back of our heroine’s neck greedily.

(I seem to recall at some point there was a mention of it being more of a “mana” stealing, rather than a devouring, so this was more of a vampire type bite, chomping in to get the best blood flow going.)

Then I woke up and the cat was beating the crap out of my bedroom door. Then end.

The network administrator is one of the funniest, most dedicated, generally awesome guys I’ve ever had the good fortune to meet. This morning I got copied on an email he sent to one of my co-workers regarding a rather unfortunate circumstance: a client of his was one of those people who gets a chain letter and forwards it to EVERYONE in their address book. This naturally included my co-worker, and the presence of giant attachments, unwanted witticisms and lots and lots of animated gifs was really starting to cramp the guy’s style.

Network Admin to the rescue! Below, with some redacted names to protect identities (because I try to be polite like that) is the solution.

Hey Todd,

I can block his e-mail address from hitting our server, but unfortunately he wouldn’t be able to send any e-mail to us at all if that happened-/probably/ not a good idea if he’s a client.

You can delete them, but the best thing to do is to ask him to stop sending them in the first place. The easiest way to do that is to make **ME** the bad guy, so the fucking idiot doesn’t get all offended and shit. Try something like this:

/”Good morning Mr. Latent Pedophile,

I can’t put into words how much sheer, unadulterated joy your wonderful e-mails have brought me. You see, before I starting receiving your witty and carefully crafted mass-produced chain e-mails my life was but a meaningless shell. Being on your “send” list has truly been a divine gift from above. Not only has it made me a better man, but flowers smell better, the sky is brighter, and food tastes better.

Best of all, it no longer hurts when I pee.

Alas, there is a problem: You see, the network administrator here is a real “type-A” knuckle-dragger. He’s an angry, angry man-the type of guy who has driven away anyone who has ever tried to love him. He is verbally abusive to his co-workers, and his breath is so bad that the paint around his desk *is actually peeling. *He monitors all of the network traffic to and from our e-mail server. Yesterday he waddled over to my desk, belched, farted in my general direction, and //then started screaming at me about bandwidth issues and security concerns. For this reason I must beseech you to stop sending me these types of messages. He assured me that if I receive any more he was going to dock my pay $10.00 per megabyte-so you’re most recent message for example could cost me $13.20.

I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with not receiving future chain letter messages from you. Alas, I may have to take up clown punching, chicken choking-or some other constructive way to vent my inhuman rage against the man. Thank you for your understanding.

I weep alone,

Todd T.
Resident Badass
“/

Give that a shot dude. Let me know how it works out.
*
**
Chris
*

Oh Chris, it is truly an honor to work with you!

Ordinarily, I get really excited when there’s mail sitting in my inbox saying that I’ve gotten a comment! While a lot of times it’s just an approval request for some spammer than actually bypassed Akismet, there are the periodic genuine comments which are always a joy. (And I thank you, commenters, for taking the time to talk back.)

Today however I got a rather nasty surprise. It was spam of the worst sort, it was a comment that had gone through because it actually followed the rules, but was clearly self-promotional dreck.

I don’t mind people being self promotional in the comments, to a point. The line in the sand, however, is obvious marketese and insincerity. The comment, copied below for your perusal, demonstrates everything I hate about people trying to promote themselves “naturally” on the internet. I took the liberty of removing the name of the site and all links from the comment, because quite frankly I don’t want to give these people or this person any extra exposure that they clearly don’t deserve for pushing my buttons.

—begin comment text—
[redacted] is a platform that uses the Internet to deliver high quality radio and video programming. Our demographic reaches an unlimited resource in a worldwide venue. The benefit to artists and advertisers is far reaching, but the most important product is our quality radio broadcast. What we deliver to the audience is what matters the most at [redacted] If you have not had a chance to hear a show, we encourage you to check us out. And always remember… YOU ROCK!
—end comment text—

This offending comment was left on Every Time You Blare Nickelback, God Smites an 80s Rocker.

You want to plug your website? Yourself? Something you like? Go for it. You can even do it in the comments. But for the love of all that’s good and right in this world, do yourself a favor and spare me and my readers the Patented Marketroid Output.

If the original commenter is indeed a human being and not a robot, I would love to have an open dialogue with you about how you can improve your self-promotion tactics so you don’t end up being banned, deleted, or belittled wherever you go. Truthfully though? You only have to remember one word: genuine. If your comments and your promotion doesn’t sound or feel genuine no one’s going to take you seriously, least of all someone who deals with marketing speak every day. Next time you want to comment here, please, just be yourself and not your company line.

Thank you!

In recent years there has become almost a tradition of graphic novels and comics being converted into amazing movies. Spiderman, Road to Perdition, Sin City, 30 Days of Night, and of course Batman.

A while back I saw a film called Faust: Love of the Damned. I could go on and on about my impression of the film. Indeed, I found myself lying awake, babbling in a stunned fashion over what I’d encountered. Truth be told I wish I remembered half my commentary. The movie is realy a comedy goldmine for those who enjoy a MST3K the Home Game viewing experience. For those who feel as though they are brave enough to bear witness to the whole thing, I feel obligated to give you a taste of what you’re prepared for.

The Good:

• This film makes no qualms about what it is and compensates fairly adequately by including several non-disturbing shots that feature (very nice) breasts.
• It features cops being sliced, beheaded, dismembered, and otherwise mutilated.*
• This film offers just about every kind of death you can think of: poisoning, fire, being eaten by a monster, head blown off, head cut off, guts spilled, buried alive, and death by curse.
• It’s got that guy from the Wishmaster movies. (and I guess he’s been in Lost, too.)
• Will heavily add to your “I Watch Bad Movies” cred.
• The male protagonist has an entertaining Renfield vibe at the beginning of the film.

The Bad:

• This film makes no qualms about what it is and includes several disturbing shots that include breasts, ruining the bonus points that breast shots ordinarily give to a film.
• It features cops being sliced, beheaded, dismembered, and otherwise mutilated.*
• Poorly researched psychology references riddle the film like cancer through a lab rat.
• Even more poorly researched occult references. I’m no expert but man some of this stuff would make a teenage wicca fanatic shake their head shame of the inaccuracy.
• The male protagonist turns into some kind of cheese-tastic Spawn/The Mask/Wolverine mashup.
• Female protagonist gets brainwashed into a nympho by being beaten, electrocuted, and forced to confront her past, but the actress clearly doesn’t ever get nude. (This seems like a cop-out compared to the fearlessness of her castmates.)

The OH MY GOD MY MIND IS BEING VIOLATED! (OMGMMIBV!):

• This film makes no qualms about what it is and includes a scene with disturbing special-effect breasts.
• Suggested rape of an eleven year old girl by a guy with no face.

*I realize that people are divided on the treatment of police, real or fictional, so I am willing to count this aspect both good and bad as it relates to one’s personal perspective on the matter. I should like to clarify that for the purpose of this story it does appear that all the police are apparently a part of some evil conspiracy.

Thanks to the hard work of io9’s Annalee Newitz, I’m able to point you in the direction of one of the more OMGMMIBV! clips. It’s NSFW, and it’s epic as hell.

So I was having a pretty good day today. Surprisingly good in fact, all things considered. When WHEB had to go and ruin it for me. Again.

This time, it wasn’t the overabundance of sloppy-joe instigating Herpes-Crisps (Godsmack), nor was it a double shot of Nickleback. No, this was something even more asinine. Today, the dj’s announced that, according to world-renowned psychologist Cliff Arnall, Monday, January 21, 2008 is “the most gloomiest day” of the year. Depressing nature of the retarded phrasing aside; none of these conclusions are all too revelatory, and… thanks for reminding me, Asshat.

Here’s what Arnall, an expert in the study of depression concluded, based on some mathematical formula that we’re not privy to.

This time of year produces six [how about 200] factors which lead to feelings of gloom and doom, and all of them converge today [as the cosmos align and Pluto weeps?] to “leave us at our most miserable.” The factors are as follows.

• Christmas Debt (Ok, Sure)
• A Feeling of Monotony after Christmas Cheer has Faded (Christmas Cheer?)
• Broken New Years Resolutions (I hope you knew better than to make any)
• Low Levels of Motivation (Um… This is a Temporary Thing?)
• A Desperate Feeling That You Need to Act to Improve Your Life (Always)

He goes on to offer a couple of insights as to how to combat “Blue Monday.”
1. Stop Whining. It is boring and you are boring. (I feel better already!)
2. Focus on the good things you do have in your life. If one of your limbs does not work, focus on the three that do. (Haha, Cripple.)

Enjoy the rest of your shitty day. But, chin up. Tomorrow the debt/motivation/goal-oriented fairy is due to swoop in and save the day.

First and foremost, sorry for the lengthy, unannounced break. This time of year has its way of ruining time management, and my co-authors can rarely be encouraged to slide their slug-like countenances from the couches of whatever den of iniquity they’ve parked themselves in. Or they’re too busy having a dance off. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Anyway, onto the really important part.
If you are here because someone called “rknet” has charged your card, it was not, and could not, be me. What little research I’ve done about who it could be has pulled up three possibilities for anybody who has been charged by “rknet”:

1. You have been keylogged.
2. You have been ripped off by a false computer help site.
3. There is apparently some other RKnet which is related to some kind of tracking, might be related. (See the comment thread.)

I’m sorry to hear that anyone has been inappropriately charged. I myself am still in the middle of trying to get a chargeback resolved on two charges I didn’t authorize. I wish any and all of you luck in getting your money back.

Jason Calcanis was recently quoted as saying “As Internet people we shoudn’t bother with people who don’t understand the Internet because they’ll be dead soon.”

Oh Jason. How painfully untrue that is. If he knew half the young people I’ve met, and work with, he would be appalled at how undereducated young people are about the internet and computers. Unless he’s saying that there’s going to be some kind of special plague that only kills people who don’t know that “lolcats” are old meme, and that domaining really is a word.

No, Mr. Calcanis. We still have to suck up to these pre-internet types. There are just too many of them to stage a real coup at this point. You’ll just have to deal like the rest of us.

In what can best be described as a very long pitch to get people to join a group called Question Authority on MondoGlobo, Phil Leggiere provides this timeline of the Bill of Rights during the Bush Administration.

It does cite sources all along the way, such as the NY Times, Slate, and US Today, so it can’t really be written off as so much unverifiable conspiracy theory. Still, this is a very long timeline, stretching in a rather poorly designed column from 2001 to this year.

There are gems like this:

June

In “Bong Hits for Jesus” case Supreme court rules that student free speech rights do not extend to promotion of drug use.

And more urgent-sounding items brought up such as:

May

National Security Presidential Directive 51 (NSPD-51) establishes a new post-disaster plan (with disaster defined as any incident, natural or man-made, resulting in extraordinary mass casualties, damage or disruption) which places the president in charge of all three branches of government. The directive overrides the National Emergencies Act which gives Congress power to determine the duration of a national emergency.

Note: For what it’s worth, both of those items are from this year.

It would be really nice if someone could arrange this in a more smooth, visual fashion, rather than a giant article. It is far easier to swallow large timelines of events when arranged as, well, a timeline.

Incidentally, after a little poking around, I discovered that RU Sirius is a member of Question Authority, and the group itself was created by user “MondoGlobo“, who in turn links to 10 Zen Monkeys. All that lead me to look back through Valleywag, where I discovered a brief blurb about MondoGlobo, 10 Zen Monkeys, and RU Sirius.

Given all that, it is difficult to say at this time if the agenda of Question Authority and this timeline is to generate more members for the group, or to generate attention to MondoGlobo itself.

A friend just called my co-worker and said that there’s a bomb threat in a campaign office for Hillary Clinton located in Rochester.

Clinton is scheduled to visit the state soon, however she is not present now.

As with any bomb scare, I’m sure this is being taken very seriously. I wish the officers and citizens the best of luck.

Hillary’s official campaign office for the state is located at 34 Fir Street, Manchester, according to the official NH site for her campaign.

Local news station WMUR has an up-to-date report.

An man reported to have a bomb duct taped to his chest has taken two hostages inside the Rochester campaign office. Police are surrounding the office. No other progress has been reported as of yet.

Update: According to WMUR, the hostages were released at around 3pm. They now have video, as well as several witness accounts and area activity reports.

I never thought I would be able to turn to a webcomic to astutely sum up the values of restraint and respecting others perspectives (regardless of what you may think of them.

I just discovered WE THE ROBOTS, a thrice-weekly strip in ye old internet, a little earlier.
While skimming through the backlog from the current strip, I spotted a few that made me chuckle and whatnot, then I spotted this one.

In six panels, it not only adequately sums up my extreme distaste for professional sports, but also beautifully embodies why it is not necessarily a good idea to tell people exactly what you think. Give it a peek and discuss.

Is it better to say what you think, regardless of tact, or keep quiet if you think you might insult someone?