RKNet Blog... Thing

If someone reliable could tell me when in the future films would become solely based on finances it’d certainly save me the hassle of looking up articles on the Internet. If someone told me it would be next week I wouldn’t be shocked in the least since in it’s current state it’s just about at the point where it’s not about telling a story but a good way to rope in a few thousand people and scam them out of $10 because Will Smith pretends to act (I’ll get into that in just a moment.) As an up and coming independent film maker I have many issues of how things are dealt with in Hollyweird. To rattle of several quick ones — planning sequels months prior to the film’s release (it’s a half-cocked gesture mostly from the studios and regardless of how good you think it is or how profitable you believe it will become you must keep in mind the judgment of the public will have the real say), the MPAA and their rating system and advertising standards, 20th Century Fox (I’ll get into them later as well), studios pushing for PG-13 ratings for a wider audience (I don’t care what educational background you have but to try and make “Punisher: War Zone” PG-13 because “The Dark Knight” conveniently was and made a shit-ton of money doesn’t make it just. How can you make a man’s head exploding soft-core?), and painful “actors”. Let’s break it down, kids.

In case you haven’t noticed that for the last several years 20th Century Fox has prowled on modern celluloid like a drunk man in a bar or a 13 year-old white kid from Iowa who thinks he’s black, they think showing their cock will win affection. Wrong. Lately they’ve really been pouring gas on themselves. The bigger stunt recently is their lawsuit against Warner Bros. over upcoming comic book movie “Watchmen”. The studio claimed that Warner Bros. didn’t hold the rights to make the Alan Moore graphic novel or at least distribute the picture, never minding the fact that Warner Bros. owns DC Comics/Vertigo for which the graphic novel resides on.  So now they are currently in a legal battle to do either one of two things — make it so that Fox is the distributor (which can only mean they will ghastly edit the movie into a mind-numbing 90-minute feature that contains only the parts where there is fighting and shit blowing up with no intellectual transition) or to completely wipe the movie’s release date off the calendar completely, never releasing it. Though luckily given that the justice system moves about as fast as tree sap downhill in the winter the trial may not actually begin until January of 2009, a mere two months before it’s slated release date. Given that Fox has a tendency to shoot their wad like they know what they’re doing chances are (this is at least wishful thinking) the case will rule in Warner Bros.’s favor.

Another valid point that Fox has no idea what they are doing to tell a story visually is going around the creators to have it your way. This is unprofessional and also a dick move. One instance stated in the following article is on the upcoming “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” which tells the tale of how Wolverine came to be (Weapon X program, scrapes with Sabertooth, etc.) and needless to say a very dark tale which requires seemingly dark environments.  One such environment was changed without the director’s knowledge. What called for something “dark, dinghy and somber” was changed to something less depressing with lighter colors and cleaner textures. Now if in the correct fashion this can work in favor but unless you’re doing some “One Hour Photo”/”American Psycho” clean-looking thriller then you are a pussy of a film maker. Changing a set’s design to something more cheery (a colorful euphemism) is almost a denial of reality itself, thinking it can’t be this dark and disgusting when in truth it can be because it fucking is! You can’t cover a bald Kevin Spacey in Laffy Taffy and believe he just killed Brad Pitt’s girlfriend (if you can, please lower your dosage.)

Changing lanes here — YOU CAN’T PUT WILL SMITH IN EVERYTHING! Okay, chances are I’m blaspheming here but you know what I have to say this, why should I really give a shit about a movie because Will Smith is in it? Because conveniently 98% of the movies he’s done have raked in billions?  Will Smith isn’t that fantastic an actor. His barometer for character ranges from a good guy who says “fuck” a lot to a good guy who doesn’t say “fuck” at all. Occasionally he’ll mix it up and have the good guy be a bit of a dick or an arrogant douche but for the love of God just knock it off. It doesn’t matter how fantastic he seems you can’t cast him as “The Karate Kid” or Captain America, it’s wrong on every level imaginable to the sane. If I could ever afford his salary for a movie I’d have him play a serial killer who hardly speaks just to break the mold, and when he does speak it’s in a strange language. To help illustrate my point, whenever I see a movie that has Will Smith in it I know it’s Will Smith, I can’t believe he’s anyone else. I can believe Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne and Trent Reznik, I can believe Josh Hartnett as Slevin Kelevra and The Salesman, but you throw Will Smith into a role I’m gonna know it’s him regardless. Captain Hillard, Muhammad Ali, Jesus Christ, I’ll only think, “Oh, hey, Will Smith.” You may think I’m daft for uttering or even thinking such a thing but I’ve heard a similar tear about Christopher Walken and look at his fucking acting skills. (Inside joke: 111th biopic on Andy Warhol starring Chris Walken.)

A couple other mini-rants. If you’ve never been to Massachusetts or talked to someone from there for more than 20 minutes then it’s news to you that often people from their have a habit of shooting their mouth off. Mark Wahlberg is from Massachusetts, so for him saying that Max Payne could take down Batman in hand-to-hand combat makes sense coming from him but is ghastly offensive to the point where if I saw him in a pub I would shatter the closest bottle near me and jab it into his eye socket. First of all the two characters are miles apart, Payne wants revenge for his wife’s death while Bruce Wayne/Batman wants justice for them and others. And also dropping the obvious factor to play in, he’s fucking Batman. Imagine if you will a man standing before an expert martial artist who is performing a series of moves for intimidation and Joe Guy takes him down by jabbing him in the throat. And in the interview where he made this claim he mentioned it was strictly in the matter of fisticuffs, not the box office which shows even more delusion since if you’ve seen any previews for “Max Payne” you’d know that Fox has ruined another video game on the big screen. Well kids I’m putting out the ashes for now. My next piece will detail the new releases of Metallica’s “Death Magnetic” and Nine Inch Nails’ “The Slip”, and how the two contrast each other. See you on the other side, keep it sketchy.

=Sketch/Ed

Evening children, welcome to Clippings & Scribblings, a news entry with editorials. I’m Sketch E. Whiteface, and I’m an alcoholic… err, close enough.
In the musical metallurgy realm, if not already aware, the masked nine-piece band Slipknot is back and with full force with a new album dubbed “All Hope Is Gone” coming out this Tuesday. The band started performing for the first time in nearly two years in July on the Rockstar Mayhem Festival tour with Disturbed, Dragonforce and Mastodon. I attended the show in Mansfield, MA and breathed chaos from the energy exhumed, it was pure gold. If you’ve been keeping track of the tour or the band you would know that Slipknot’s DJ, Sid “0″ Wilson, had injured himself during on of the shows. In the body of their set he jumped off one of the raised platforms and broke both his ankles. Whereas some would put off the rest of the tour they marched on through and Sid was confined to a wheelchair until healed properly. They’ve gone through much worse injuries (especially Wilson), such as concussions, severe burns, lacerations and other often life-threatening bumps. However recently they’ve acquire a rather large set-back, an issued statement from the band apologized for the fact they will have to cut their appearances at the Reading & Leeds Festival in England and their European tour due to drummer Joey “1″ Jordison broke his ankle. Apart from canceling of a tour they subsequently had to cancel several appearances in light of the incident.
In other unfortunate news for entertainers canceling things, the highly anticipated “Ghostbusters” video game expected to be released this October is CANCELED. I’ll give you a few moments to finish crying and throwing your computer chair out the window. Activision was due to be the distributor behind the cult classic based game but dropped it and several other titles.  While franchise games such as “Crash Bandicoot” and “Spyro” where sold to Activision by Vivendi Games the interactive sequel to an iconic film series was left in the dust. However all hope is not gone for this game for the developers are searching for someone to release it and have assured fans that it will be released. Now on the commentary for this: are you fucking kidding me? You pass up something that’s existed for 25 years to something that’s been around only 10 aimed solely at kids? And keep in mind, the “Ghostbusters” game features the original cast and was penned by Reitman, Aykroyd and Ramis. This is more or less the sequel everyone’s been hoping for and courtesy of schmucks with calculators it’s left out in the desert with a canteen and a compass.
And now for more theoretical blabberings. Last weekend the nerd orgasm known as “The Dark Knight” was taken over at the box office by Ben Stiller comedy “Tropic Thunder“. However as it lowered to the number two spot it also arised to the number two spot at the all-time box office having earned $475 million dollars passing “Star Wars: A New Hope” and settling just under “Titanic” which holds the record at $600 million (for some reason.) Currently on IMDb.com the Christopher Nolan directed comic-book movie is holding it’s place at #3 on the top 250 highest rated movies, and also broke the record for being #1 after only two days of it’s release. Since the weekend prior it made it’s box office jump by a good $40 million and this fan has a strong belief that it will knock the boat over. I plan to toss another seven bucks into the pot this weekend and I strongly encourage you to do the same. One more hill to get over, people. Come on.

=Sketch/Ed

In recent years there has become almost a tradition of graphic novels and comics being converted into amazing movies. Spiderman, Road to Perdition, Sin City, 30 Days of Night, and of course Batman.

A while back I saw a film called Faust: Love of the Damned. I could go on and on about my impression of the film. Indeed, I found myself lying awake, babbling in a stunned fashion over what I’d encountered. Truth be told I wish I remembered half my commentary. The movie is realy a comedy goldmine for those who enjoy a MST3K the Home Game viewing experience. For those who feel as though they are brave enough to bear witness to the whole thing, I feel obligated to give you a taste of what you’re prepared for.

The Good:

• This film makes no qualms about what it is and compensates fairly adequately by including several non-disturbing shots that feature (very nice) breasts.
• It features cops being sliced, beheaded, dismembered, and otherwise mutilated.*
• This film offers just about every kind of death you can think of: poisoning, fire, being eaten by a monster, head blown off, head cut off, guts spilled, buried alive, and death by curse.
• It’s got that guy from the Wishmaster movies. (and I guess he’s been in Lost, too.)
• Will heavily add to your “I Watch Bad Movies” cred.
• The male protagonist has an entertaining Renfield vibe at the beginning of the film.

The Bad:

• This film makes no qualms about what it is and includes several disturbing shots that include breasts, ruining the bonus points that breast shots ordinarily give to a film.
• It features cops being sliced, beheaded, dismembered, and otherwise mutilated.*
• Poorly researched psychology references riddle the film like cancer through a lab rat.
• Even more poorly researched occult references. I’m no expert but man some of this stuff would make a teenage wicca fanatic shake their head shame of the inaccuracy.
• The male protagonist turns into some kind of cheese-tastic Spawn/The Mask/Wolverine mashup.
• Female protagonist gets brainwashed into a nympho by being beaten, electrocuted, and forced to confront her past, but the actress clearly doesn’t ever get nude. (This seems like a cop-out compared to the fearlessness of her castmates.)

The OH MY GOD MY MIND IS BEING VIOLATED! (OMGMMIBV!):

• This film makes no qualms about what it is and includes a scene with disturbing special-effect breasts.
• Suggested rape of an eleven year old girl by a guy with no face.

*I realize that people are divided on the treatment of police, real or fictional, so I am willing to count this aspect both good and bad as it relates to one’s personal perspective on the matter. I should like to clarify that for the purpose of this story it does appear that all the police are apparently a part of some evil conspiracy.

Thanks to the hard work of io9’s Annalee Newitz, I’m able to point you in the direction of one of the more OMGMMIBV! clips. It’s NSFW, and it’s epic as hell.

I run a private, LAN shoutcast server for our office. Nothing terribly fancy, mind you, just a collection of my music and some of my co-workers’, mixed into a couple randomized playlists. I don’t have too many listeners although we’ve got upward of 100 people at the company these days. I recently made the decision to shut down for a variety of reasons, most of which were serious. I never realized what a row I would cause among my (rabidly) loyal listeners.

Below, for your viewing pleasure, is the first of several letters I received regarding my decision to retire as DJ. [some edits made for the assumption of privacy, and the separation of actual work life from this personal endeavor]

THIS IS A SERIOUS PROTEST. G, you can’t do this! You have created solace and safe-haven for those of us berated by PuddleofSmackLincolnBack. shoutcast[redacted] is the Batman of our Gotham City here at at Suite 260. Shoutcast is our only line of defense against the auditory pogroms waged by The Shark, HEB, and the mindless droning of ignorant half wits that shall remain nameless.

Taking away shoutcast[redacted] is like the Communist Party of India cutting off medical aid to the People’s Liberation Guerrilla Army. Without the Shoutcast you are leaving us unarmed and behind enemy lines. Take right now for instance, instead of listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Gimme 3 steps” for the 32,453,165,684,652nd time this week I can turn to the trusted shoutcast[redacted] for a much needed diddy by The Pillows. I have but a Dreamsicle’s chance in the Mojave of being able to make it through any given day of work without the delicious tunes provided the company radio. G, you must understand that you are the Coenraad Johannes van Houten behind the chocolate milk of our listening pleasure.

Albeit a motto belonging to a disturbingly misled organization that is funded by pure evil, “no man left behind” seems to be a phrase befitting this situation. In other words, whether there are only 3 listeners or not, those 3 listeners rely on you heavily. Without you there is no us. You provide a lifeline in a dreary wasteland occupied by slow moving cyborgs that enjoy Papa Roach, the Eagles, Michael McDonald (not for humor either!), Kid Rock, Fleetwood Mac and P.O.D. I would rather eat my own bloody vomit than go through a 9-5er without the physical and mental crutch that is the shoutcast[redacted].
I hope your heart stumbles upon my humble (yet eloquent) soliloquies and they help to sway your decision,
Helpless in [redacted],
Jesse [redacted]

With a plea that strong I seriously began to reconsider my decision.

Ripped straight from the delicious distraction pit known as the EctoChat.

Giania I wish I had a bunch of acupuncture needles in my shoulder muscles that were, in turn, hooked up to some kind machine that would periodically deliver mild electric shocks
10:12 ch3sh that sounds fun.
10:15 Giania And hopefully pain relieving
10:19 ch3sh hopefully!
10:23 Giania plus how badass would that look: an office worker, bristling like a porcupine with slender silver needles. A network of wires leading from these unnatural adaptations to something that looks like it was stolen from Batman. All the while, muscles of their bare back shiver ever so slightly beneath the skin as they type away in blissful ignorance.
Giania The future just can’t get here fast enough

For reference: Description of electric stimulation.
More about acupuncture, including a photo of some of the needle types used.

more on life at large later. This just in: Batman Begins fucking owns all.