RKNet Blog... Thing

I suppose it goes without saying that I am, overall disappointed and disgusted in the United States media. However, the blatant negligence on one particular issue has me outraged: on Friday, September 26th a radical, anti-Islamic group in perpetrated a terrorist attack against more than 30 children at the Islamic Society of Greater Dayton, a mosque in Dayton Ohio. An unknown gas described as a “chemical irritant” was sprayed into the window of the daycare center at the Mosque during the Ramadan ceremonies.

The attack came just days after thousands of copies of the anti-Muslim “documentary” Obsession, was distributed to millions of voters in across the country’s swing states. The DVD’s were inserted in major newspapers (why the fuck not?), and distributed my mail to residents of Ohio.

The release of this video, by the Clarion Fund (a non-profit organization whose mission is to “educate Americans on issues of national security,” and whose primary focus is on the “most urgent threat of radical Islam”) is timely - with elections in just 5 weeks and national security a hot-button issue.

You might be interested to learn that there’s a “presidential campaign edition” of the Obsession DVD, which carries the endorsement of the chair of the counter-terrorism department of the U.S. Naval War College. The Patriot News of Harrisburg, PA ran a story stating that the Clarion Fund web-site ran pro-McCain literature before attracting notice and subsequently being removed. Additionally, as reported by NPR, one of the major promoters of the DVD is Joe Wierzbicki who is active in two anti-Obama political action committees.

Now, bear with me. I’m not saying that John McCain was behind the distribution of this video, nor am I suggesting that the McCain camp is in any way responsible for these disgusting actions. What I am suggesting, however, is that EVEN with potential ties to a presidential candidate, America does not care about terrorism against Muslims. The media is more interested in covering the new fashion trends sparked by America’s favorite “milf” (of course I’m talking about Sarah Palin’s now famous rimless glasses).

You can bet your ass if this had been an attack on an Ohio church, for example, the media would be all over it like my boss on Sarah Palin, proclaiming (with little or no basis in reality) another Islamic attack on America. However, the story has gotten little exposure in the mainstream media as of yet. What gives? Why isn’t this story receiving more coverage? Muslims in America are one of two things: feared or ignored. This media blackout has got to stop.

You are hiding behind a stone wall being shot at by heavily armed cultist. You have had two weeks of training to deal with situations like this. But you’re only just starting to remember this. You know you should feel angry that people are shooting at you. But you consider that they would shoot at anyone trying to sneak into their heavily armed and very secretive religious compound. Instead you think about the figurative bastards that put you in this situation. They woke you up at four in the morning approximately thirteen hours ago. Bundled you into a car, then an airplane and whisked you six hundred miles from your home. They told you that that two week blackout you had was their fault. That two week blackout two years ago. A blackout that cost you a relationship with a person you deeply loved and very nearly alienated you from your immediate family. They said that you’d been taken to a secret government facility and been in their words ‘The Clockwork Orange’ treatment. Except instead of making you dislike violence they taught you to know how to do very unpleasant things to your fellow human beings. When you didn’t believe this as they quite reasonably expected they produced photographic evidence, timestamped and digitally signed. These memories slowly came back to you. You attributed this to the background music playing in the airplane’s cabin.

The current problem that you are to be injected into was explained to as a local disturbance which could rapidly turn into the European version of the Waco Ranch massacre. They explain to you that this is where you come in. You, they explain are to sneak into the compound and assassinate the leader of the cult as well as disrupt as much of the chain of command. Logically you try to explain to them that Solid Snake does this in the video games and he tends to die an awful lot in the attempt. They do not get the reference. They also suck their gums a lot which you take as a sign of ‘you’re not the first one we’ve sent in.’

The sneaking into the farm ran by crazy cult members did go better than expected. You made it past the official police line and through a field past the body of who you assume was ‘the first one sent in.’ As you reach the edge of the main farm complex however it all goes wrong.

Not the first one to be sent in seems to explain the problem well as you hide behind a dry wall. Your mouth is dry and your hands have almost stopped trembling. Their bullets have stopped firing. Cautiously you peer around the corner and see that three of the larger cultists are running towards you while brandishing very scary looking shotguns. You gulp. Aim the silenced pistol you were given at the closest cultist. Then you fire. It isn’t a perfect shot. It goes through his leg and he tumbles to the floor. He is screaming but the other two have upped the pace. You take aim again and fire. The next one drops without a sound in a mist of red. The third cultist stops. He raises his shotgun. You take cover. He discharges the weapon into the wall and the pellets bounce off the wall harmlessly. You feel you are getting the hang of this. Looking around the corner you feel slightly disappointed that he is running away from you.

You move forwards from this wall to the next. This is progress you think. Then they start firing a machine gun at you and you dive for the closest thing you see that looks like cover. The training you remember consisted of firing ranges, simulated close quarters combat exercises and training drills. Very little of the training (although you cannot be quite certain right now as your memory is still fragmented) involved being shot at and the immediate action to be taken when you inevitably come into the situation. You go on instinct here. Duck and cover, then hope that the machine gun breaks or runs out of bullets. 

The person manning the machine gun appears to be enjoying himself. Every few seconds a burst of fire removes fragments of the dry stone wall. The bullets are close and you hear some of them whistle through the air. The gunner however has a steady rhythm to his firing. You remember that you have a mirror on one of the cargo pockets. You take it out and use it to peer round the edge of the wall. There is only him. His burst finishes. You jump over the wall and shoot him in the head. The way into the main building is clear now. You kick the flimsy wooden door from it’s hinges. You hear a thumping noise.

You are cold and cannot move. Your head aches with a dull throbbing sensation. Your face hurts. Opening your eyes you see that you are in a cellar. The thin light of sunset comes in through an opening in the wall near the ceiling. You work out why you are cold and cannot move. Directly ahead of you  is a man.  He is naked and strapped to a gurney. His right arm has a horrific gunshot wound and his groans occasionally break his possibly drug induced sleep.

Four sky clad people walk into the cellar. One of them has a demonic mask and a evil knife. Another, a drum made from wood with a tight white skin with tattoo ink blue Celtic markings on it. The other two are women who start dancing and chanting as soon as they enter the room. The drummer starts to hit his drum and the masked man you watch move to stand in front of the injured man blocking him from your view.

“For your intrusion onto hallowed ground we punish you,” the masked man shouts.
“For your intrusion onto hallowed ground we punish you,” the others repeat.
You watch the masked man drag the knife across the injured mans chest. Blood runs to the ground.
“For your violent ways we injured you,” the masked man shouts.
“So we shall injure you again!” The two dancers say.
The masked man pushes the knife into the injured mans gunshot wound.
He screams!
“We the children of the gods say you must die,” all of the cultists say.
The injured man screams one last time.
You see the masked man turn to you. 

You are sweating heavily now. That evil knife is covered in gore and the blank look of the masked man you feel hides a sadistic smile. The drumming man carries on his vile rhythm for the dancers to follow. You see a small ball shaped object role through the sunlight opening. It bounces on the stone floor of the cellar.
“For your intrusion,” the masked man starts to say. You close your eyes in terror.

You hear a deafening noise followed by chaotic screams and gunshot. You close your eyes even more. The ringing in your ears stops and you open your eyes. You try to speak and a desperate whimper is all you can summon. You see eight people in battle dress and black full face gas masks. One of them approaches you and slings his weapon over his shoulder. You watch him take his gas mask off.
“It will be alright. You’ve done your duty. You’ve exceeded our expectations. Let us help you,” he says.

This story was originally entered into the SFX Pulp Idol competition. It didn’t win (aw), didn’t get shortlisted and it didn’t even get an honerable mention. No matter I’m well aware of it’s deficencies and it was a tracer bullet. Oh well it’s a success if someone enjoys it.

Will.

There are lots of really great, creative vinyl toys out there, but by and large it hasn’t really grabbed my attention, made me sit up, and say WHOA PONY! Ok that was bad.
The My Little Pony Project

Junko Mizuno's take on the classic vinyl toy

I loved My Little Pony when I was younger, and to be perfectly honest, I still have a few of my favorite figures with me to this day. When I was little, I watched the cartoon show, I begged and negotiated (read:whined) to get more of the figurines and their accouterments. I made up weird tales in which they rescued mostly nude dolls from the clutches of evil scientists. (True story.)

Now, some really talented artists are taking on that vinyl form we know and love, and they’re really making it shine. They also have a contest going for participants in the project, and the whole thing is intended to benefit a non-profit organization called Give Kids the World Village. There will be a gallery showing of the designs some time this month.

Let me start by saying that this grouping is little more than a list of some of my favorite books. It in no way purports to be comprehensive in any sense, nor are the books presented in any particular order.

Many are distinctly Modern (I’m looking at you, Dave Eggers, Nicole Krauss and Lauren Slater). Others employ a favorite story-telling technique, Magical Realism, that I personally, can’t get enough of (thanks Toni Morrison, Salman Rushdie and Gabriel Garcia Marquez). Still others are included because they’re beautifully told, utterly unique or just plain cool.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (Dave Eggers)
Eggers’ first novel is part memoir, part fiction and all modern. This book is bigger than itself. Eggers’ wildly experimental prose, self-conscious narrative and sheer humanity make this one of my all time favorites. The story details his family’s struggle to adjust to the death of both their father and mother in the span of just 32 days- yet much of the book is sheer fantasy and Eggers takes creative liberties in calling this story a “memoir.” (See “Lying: Lauren Slater, below) I would highly recommend this book to aspiring writers.

100 Years of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
A legend in and of itself, this book traces the lineage of a family in a small, supposedly South American town “on the edge of nowhere.” Employing some stunning examples of Magical Realism, a literary technique that has one character literally being drawn into the sky never to return, Marquez’ style is resonant of a fairy-tale so that the impossible is readily, even eagerly accepted. The opening line alone speaks volumes about the way this book hooks you: “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”

Song of Solomon (Toni Morrison)
Morrison needs little introduction on my part, and I had a difficult time choosing just one of her novels to highlight. However, Song of Solomon, to me, is perhaps her most experimental yet down-to-earth story to date. The story is a part coming-of-age, part alamentation of the lasting effects of slavery and part an examination of love, in all its strange and often distorted manifestations. Oh, and you’ll find some gorgeous instances of magical realism thrown in there for good measure as well.

Midnight’s Children (Salman Rushdie)
Hilarious, beautifully written, and impeccably structured, Rushdie constantly teases and tests his readers. The story, which traces a young man, Saleem, and his family as he grows up during India’s independence movement has been called a metaphor for the growth, and coming of age, of the country. Rushdie is truly a unique voice and Midnight’s Children is unabashedly accessible.

The History of Love (Nicole Krauss) 2005
A beautifully understated story with distinctly modernist leanings, The History of Love braids together the lives of three characters inextricably, yet distantly tied to each other: Leo, an old man who fears he is disappearing; Alma, a young girl on a quest to find happiness for her withdrawn mother; and Litvinoff, a mysterious and brooding Chilean man from another time. The History of Love truly stuns with some of it’s passages, one in particular stays with me:

“The first language humans had was gestures. There was nothing primitive about this language that flowed from people’s hands, nothing we say now that could not be said in the endless array of movements possible with the fine bones of the fingers and wrists. The gestures were complex and subtle, involving a delicacy of motion that has since been lost completely…”

The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera)
Perhaps a bit pretentious, this work of modern/post-modern fiction examines the insignificance of each and every one of us through a couple and their various infidelities. Uplifting, no? While it’s fair to say that not much actually *happens* in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, so much is said. Kundera believes this “lightness” (our insignificance) to be somewhat wrenching. I myself find it a bit liberating. Whether or not you enjoy the story, Kundera’s structure and prose make this piece worth reading, and the points it raises might send you on a philosophical quest of your own.

The Ear, the Eye and the Arm (Nancy Farmer)
I’m biased because this was a childhood favorite. Set in Zimbabwe in the year 2194, this story follows three royal youths through the various underbellies, subcultures and cults they encounter after they’ve been kidnapped. Three detectives with genetic deformities (super sensitive ears; excessively perceptive eyes and the third with a sense of empathy that often causes him to break down in tears) are assigned to find the children. Yes, it’s science fiction. Yes, it’s a children’s book. Yes, it’s worth reading. Take it to the beach!

The Darling (Russell Banks)
Russell Banks is a beautiful storyteller with the unique ability to put himself in the shoes, and heart, of almost anyone. The Darling is the story of Dawn/Hannah, a middle-aged woman whose rebellious past led her into the depths of Liberia where she experienced all manner of horror and beauty. A striking story told with the fresh rawness of a new wound, passages from the Darling will haunt you for years after you put it down.

Ulysses (James Joyce)
Read this book just to say you did it. Ulysses is an epic novel, yet spans just one day in the life of its protagonist, Leopold Bloom. Some say the book is pure genius. Others denigrate it as over-hyped fluff. Personally, I’d need to read it about five more times to make a fair assessment… But one thing is certain: Joyce went places with Ulysses (which was banned in the United States for obscenity in 1933) that few writers had gone before, and few have gone since. From his topical choices to his stylistic ones, Joyce has a voice and character all his own.

Lying: A Metaphorical Memoir (Lauren Slater)
This book will change the way you think of the term “memoir.” Slater challenges the concepts of truth, its contexts and even its very existence at the core of the human experience. Beautifully written and constructed with a modern twist, Lying has been called “metaphorical memoir,” (though she begs throughout to be understood as non-fiction.) This book continues to frustrate and enchant me, yet Slater’s beautiful prose and (here it is again) modernist tendencies keep me coming back for second, third and fourth readings.

Honorable Mention:
The Angel on the Roof (a collection of short stories by Russell Banks), How We are Hungry (a collection of short stories by Dave Eggers), What is the What (a creative non-fiction account of the life of one of Sudan’s Lost Boys, as told to and expanded upon by none other than Dave Eggers)

Note: If my liberal use of terms like “modernism” and “magical realism” annoyed or offended you, please see my upcoming post detailing these literary techniques and my interpretation of them. Until then, click the links, fool! Modernism - Magical Realism

NotCot.org strikes again. This morning they posted a blurb about a book called Fifty Designers’ Current Favourite Typefaces. The book only costs 3£ and 100% of that 3 pounds goes directly to UNICEF to help aid victims - specifically the children - of the cyclone which happened in Myanmar (aka Burma) this past May.

It is put out by a design firm in the UK called Create / Reject. You may order the book directly from their website. There are photos of the interior of the book, as well as a list of all the designers who got involved. I can think of no more enjoyable way to lend a helping hand.

Now here is a bit I haven’t done in quite some time! The Words To Know series had all but died. Tonight I feel like shaking the dust off, brushing away the cobwebs, and putting WTK to work once more. I’ve decided to go easy on the old girl, by featuring two terms, and peppering the descriptions with other delightful terms to incorporate into your vernacular. On we go!

Our first featured term is: Adroit - This is a handy way to turn a shocked and braindead exclamation of “Whoa! Skills!” into a pithy bon mot. For example, when watching Sonny Chiba in the film The Street Fighter, one might be able to say something like “That was the most adroit instance of someone’s testicles being pulled off I think I’ve ever witnessed!” Not-work-safe clip below for those who may not have had the good fortune to see the whole film. (Which, by the way, I strongly recomend to anyone.)

Our second word for the day is: Obstreperous. Obstreperous is a fantastic word to use to describe someone’s putrescent offspring who have decided that it would be a fantastic time to start various types of boisterous carrying on (running, yelling, messing with others’ belongings, etc.) when you have just been sealed onto a several-hour flight. It certainly passes over in polite conversation a lot more readily than simply turning to your seat mate to comment that the plane’s younger passengers are in fact “little fucking assholes” who should, in fact, have a rigorous application of chloroform applied to them posthaste. To make such a comment could be considered maladroit - the opposite of our first featured word - due to its utter lack of tact. The child pictured below, though adorable, may be one of these children whom the label of “obstreperous” applies.

Or perhaps these three might be more prone to various hijinks.

Hope you enjoyed this edition of WTK as much as I did! (If you did, won’t you show some comment love?)

Recently I picked up a purse from the local branch of the Goodwill. It was a small metal purse, with rounded sides and a beaded handle. It’s a pastel olive color, with a print of children playing on the lower half of the front and back. The graphic elements are derived from vintage J&P Coats thread adverts. It was immaculate when I got it and with some minor use I’ve already damaged the surface print in a few tiny spots. Before I go destroying this lovely item with regular use, I’d love to know more about it. Searches for J&P coats metal purse didn’t turn up anything conclusive.

So, to help you all I’ve provided some (mediocre) photos of the item in question, in the hopes a vintage thread or purse enthusiast might happen along and help me identify this really neat item.

I’m not going to use it much until I figure out when and where it comes from, as I’d hate to ruin a true vintage item. If a collector is interested I’d be willing to sell it.

• @bloggersblog hear hear, viva la literature! #
• Gah. I wake up to an internet fight over twitter. that’s like waking up & walking into a bar argument #
• pro baseball? overpaid children. for most people, the local bar owner is more personally important. #
• @chrisgarrett huh. we were just talking about ALICE yesterday. I heard she was a bitch. looks like it fits your theory #
• @chrisgarrett it goes back to at least the 19th http://tinyurl.com/3b2s96 #
• When I read about the internet being an instrument for social destruction I think "good, there’s a lot of cleaning up to do" #
• @chrisgarrett omg, no wonder you’re so up in arms, these strumpette people can kiss my ass. paranoids. #
• Riddle me this: how can you espouse your negative opinions about the internet on the internet, and expect any respect? #
• I’m not so sure that a luddite, pro-expert, pro-professional should be arguing on twitter. it screams hypocrite #
• @chrisgarrett you have to be published on dead trees or harass someone who’s been on tv to be pro, duh #

Editor’s note: man I was a twitter whore today. cut for length.
Read the rest of this entry »

Editor’s Note: This is a direct copy of a stunning email sent by one of my brilliantly hilarious co-workers recently. Some items have been redacted/changed/edited to protect various information out of respect for their overall privacy.

Hey Hey Hey!….

It’s that time again:

no, not for that!…..

yea, thats what im talkin about, more micheivous,

BUT A LITTLE LESS FUCKING SCARY!!!!

some kids might see this.

NO! I’m Serious!

th- , that’s, b-, better?

ok, well, anyway, it’s page writing time. a little fun with 400-5. if any kids are seeing this now, dont try this at home. only for the seriously jaded.

just to make sure you’re qualified,

there. if anyone is still reading after that, youre obviously jaded enough. you may continue.

Your mission, should you choose to use your god given talent, is to write about,

this place.

where is that you ask? Spain! obviously!

Looks like youre gonna need a bit of brushing up before you get going here,

uhm, yea.. if you think that will be helpful.

but I was kind of thinking….

yea, more like that!

It might help our readers too, if you want to talk about what you learn. So in case they go to Spain, they dont look like a victim….

Especially in the lower regions….

I kind of meant, lower regions, of Spain…

yea! You know, Lower, Regions of Spain, like, Costa Blanca, Benidorm, Alicante, that sort of thing. You know, where you can find,

Stuff..

And do all sorts of cool stuff, like,

cut yourself…

Or not!

I mean, some people prefer just reading; theres something for everyone in Southern Coastal Spain.

Just take a look at this site:

[redacted] - You can write a whole page for this site! Check out what this guy has! Get inside his head…

What does he think on average?

How does he want others to see him?

or…

How does he see his site?

How does he want viewers to see his site?

Find out his fears, what he eats, where he sleeps and where he shits…..

What are his motives?

How do people get away with this where children can see?

What are people looking for when they move to Spain?

Maybe a rental so they can explore the country before they move there?

Or do they just want what everyone else wants?

You’re the wheel(wo)man here, Its kind of up to you and your judgement. Im counting on you. And anyone else who gets this message. If you want to, and youve made it this far, maybe submit an article, and we’ll have a contest for which one I send. (j/k Amy, there is only you)

On his homepage, hes putting “…rise in tourism, and hotels and rentals[sic] , which may be a good way for you to explore the country before you move here”.

So, hope that helps…that is, if you need some idea of an angle before you go in….

You can write about this:

or this:

Maye even both. Maybe one of those lower coastal Spain regions like the Costas, “have something for everyone, whether you’re into beaches, or eating zebra carcass.” type deals.

Either way,
I believe in you.

you’re a crack agent.

Again, not quite what I meant, but thats ok. Youve never let me down before.

Except that time,

But hey, I’m over it. That was years ago. Now I just want you to take your creative style, and show me a page like no one’s ever seen before….

yea.

s’what Im talkin about….

totally edgy and unique.

Completely fresh, and without label…

not given to societal norms.

way out in edge city

Like, completely defiant, cuz no one understands.

And no one ever will.

Got it?

k thx bai!

<3

In an attempt to add some much needed variety to the image macro or LOL image market, one website has risen to the task with a remarkable strategy that not only takes on the image macro concept as a whole, but also makes fun of Vanilla Ice at the same time. And let’s face it, who doesn’t like making fun of Vanilla Ice (except maybe Vanilla Ice himself)?

WordToYour.com is an image macro blog dedicated to delivering the absolute most ridiculous photos of humans, animals, and situations possible.

Although the site has posts dating back to August of 2007, there is no generator for the “word to your” captioning. In order to have your photographic and captioning genius displayed on the site, you need to email the proprietor at wordtoyour A gmail.com (where A is for at, children!). On the one hand, this seems relatively slow and tedious in this faced paced world of caption generators and photo hosting sites. I mean, if I can’t take an embarassing photo of my friend’s child eating out of the cat’s dish with my cell phone, upload it to Flickr instantly, and then slap a caption of malformed english on it within five minutes, then what good is even trying, right?

Well, I for one am of the school of thought that not everyone’s adorable little furball (that broad discription includes children as well, FYI) is worthy of captioning in the first place. Just look at icanhascheezburger. They found a great niche in the cat macro, and suddenly everybody’s 50 year old aunt thought their widdle kiddums was just hilarious enough to be famous on the internet. (Exhibit A)

So, if it takes a bit longer to get the photos captioned, and up, then there is a possibility that only the worthy will survive. WordToYour.com has done a pretty awesome job so far. I read through the entire archive and aside from being utterly horrified once or twice (Exhibit B), I definitely lol’d quite a few times.

Also, I’d like to demonstrate two instances of an image. One in what’s been dubbed “lolcat” format, and one in word-to-your format.

see more crazy cat pics

Obviously it’s subject to interpretation, personal preferences, and that lot, but I submit that the short, sweet “Word to your protective glass!” captures the inherant ha-ha value of the image far better than the much longer caption as seen from ICHCB.

I strongly recommend visiting WordToYour.com. After all, it’s about damn time for someone else to piss in the memepool.