RKNet Blog... Thing

The bathroom was a terrible place to be. All the stall doors were slightly ajar and the terrible placement of the typical office fluorescent lighting gave the shadows life that they certainly wouldn’t have possessed on their own. I kept turning back in terror from what I assumed was a malevolent face in the handicapped stall. The wall by the sink provided me something to look at to occupy my mind, but this too became a source of vile fascination. Whether the talk was all in my mind or if there was someone there I do not know. Kindly and reassuring it spoke to me of demons, and angels, and paths to power sometimes being fraught with dangerous-looking things. There was no need to worry though of course, not if you were prepared.
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The network administrator is one of the funniest, most dedicated, generally awesome guys I’ve ever had the good fortune to meet. This morning I got copied on an email he sent to one of my co-workers regarding a rather unfortunate circumstance: a client of his was one of those people who gets a chain letter and forwards it to EVERYONE in their address book. This naturally included my co-worker, and the presence of giant attachments, unwanted witticisms and lots and lots of animated gifs was really starting to cramp the guy’s style.

Network Admin to the rescue! Below, with some redacted names to protect identities (because I try to be polite like that) is the solution.

Hey Todd,

I can block his e-mail address from hitting our server, but unfortunately he wouldn’t be able to send any e-mail to us at all if that happened-/probably/ not a good idea if he’s a client.

You can delete them, but the best thing to do is to ask him to stop sending them in the first place. The easiest way to do that is to make **ME** the bad guy, so the fucking idiot doesn’t get all offended and shit. Try something like this:

/”Good morning Mr. Latent Pedophile,

I can’t put into words how much sheer, unadulterated joy your wonderful e-mails have brought me. You see, before I starting receiving your witty and carefully crafted mass-produced chain e-mails my life was but a meaningless shell. Being on your “send” list has truly been a divine gift from above. Not only has it made me a better man, but flowers smell better, the sky is brighter, and food tastes better.

Best of all, it no longer hurts when I pee.

Alas, there is a problem: You see, the network administrator here is a real “type-A” knuckle-dragger. He’s an angry, angry man-the type of guy who has driven away anyone who has ever tried to love him. He is verbally abusive to his co-workers, and his breath is so bad that the paint around his desk *is actually peeling. *He monitors all of the network traffic to and from our e-mail server. Yesterday he waddled over to my desk, belched, farted in my general direction, and //then started screaming at me about bandwidth issues and security concerns. For this reason I must beseech you to stop sending me these types of messages. He assured me that if I receive any more he was going to dock my pay $10.00 per megabyte-so you’re most recent message for example could cost me $13.20.

I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with not receiving future chain letter messages from you. Alas, I may have to take up clown punching, chicken choking-or some other constructive way to vent my inhuman rage against the man. Thank you for your understanding.

I weep alone,

Todd T.
Resident Badass
“/

Give that a shot dude. Let me know how it works out.
*
**
Chris
*

Oh Chris, it is truly an honor to work with you!

Let me preface this with the following: I love my job. I love the company where I work. But, full disclosure, I also cannot stand where I work sometimes. It’s a battle of the heart and mind every single day, and for the most part I would not have it any other way. We’re a young bunch, and an energetic bunch, and a painfully disorganized bunch on top of it. Everybody’s got fantastic ideas and everybody’s got to share them right away. Add on top of that the propensity for errors to happen in a tech-based company and you’ve got a stewpot of frustrated, disorganized, and passionate people all aiming for the same goals but rarely realizing them in a truly rewarding way. In truth, we all get a lot accomplished. I work with some really amazing people. Unfortunately circumstances set it up so that we rarely feel accomplished and absolutely can’t track what’s been done versus what needs to be done.

With that in mind, and for my own health (quite literally), I have been intently researching how we can be more organized as individuals and subsequently as a team. It’s going to take a lot of work but I’m determined to help myself and my co-workers to be happier. Happier because we know what we have to do, we know what we’ve done, and we know that we can keep going without the anxiety of forgotten priorities and missed deadlines.

One of the most highly praised and best supported systems or philosophies of organization that I have come across thus far is David Allen’s GTD. I recently picked up a copy of Getting Things Done, written by David Allen to introduce people to his researched and tested methods of personal organization, and I’ve been doing voracious online reading of articles by people who have implemented this methodology already and have come up with favorite ways to do things. Slowly but surely I’m trying to integrate things into my thought processes and into my daily habits. I feel as though just keeping in mind the need to write things down, and to refer to a system or set place for these notes is the first step to getting into the habit of being organized. So far so good, too, I already feel a little bit better about my day-to-day, I’ve already kept a few situations under control which otherwise would have been forgotten or stressful. Still, I know I’ve only scratched the surface. GTD might not be the be-all-end-all of organization techniques, but I feel like it’s a good place to start for a number of reasons. The concepts and habits are simple. It works in a digital or paper environment. It seems like something that’s easy to instruct others in, which will be important if I’m going to help my co-workers get organized.

All-in-all I feel like this current path is really promising, and I look forward to sharing my insights with you all as I get better acquainted with this method of doing things.

Editor’s Note: This is a direct copy of a stunning email sent by one of my brilliantly hilarious co-workers recently. Some items have been redacted/changed/edited to protect various information out of respect for their overall privacy.

Hey Hey Hey!….

It’s that time again:

no, not for that!…..

yea, thats what im talkin about, more micheivous,

BUT A LITTLE LESS FUCKING SCARY!!!!

some kids might see this.

NO! I’m Serious!

th- , that’s, b-, better?

ok, well, anyway, it’s page writing time. a little fun with 400-5. if any kids are seeing this now, dont try this at home. only for the seriously jaded.

just to make sure you’re qualified,

there. if anyone is still reading after that, youre obviously jaded enough. you may continue.

Your mission, should you choose to use your god given talent, is to write about,

this place.

where is that you ask? Spain! obviously!

Looks like youre gonna need a bit of brushing up before you get going here,

uhm, yea.. if you think that will be helpful.

but I was kind of thinking….

yea, more like that!

It might help our readers too, if you want to talk about what you learn. So in case they go to Spain, they dont look like a victim….

Especially in the lower regions….

I kind of meant, lower regions, of Spain…

yea! You know, Lower, Regions of Spain, like, Costa Blanca, Benidorm, Alicante, that sort of thing. You know, where you can find,

Stuff..

And do all sorts of cool stuff, like,

cut yourself…

Or not!

I mean, some people prefer just reading; theres something for everyone in Southern Coastal Spain.

Just take a look at this site:

[redacted] - You can write a whole page for this site! Check out what this guy has! Get inside his head…

What does he think on average?

How does he want others to see him?

or…

How does he see his site?

How does he want viewers to see his site?

Find out his fears, what he eats, where he sleeps and where he shits…..

What are his motives?

How do people get away with this where children can see?

What are people looking for when they move to Spain?

Maybe a rental so they can explore the country before they move there?

Or do they just want what everyone else wants?

You’re the wheel(wo)man here, Its kind of up to you and your judgement. Im counting on you. And anyone else who gets this message. If you want to, and youve made it this far, maybe submit an article, and we’ll have a contest for which one I send. (j/k Amy, there is only you)

On his homepage, hes putting “…rise in tourism, and hotels and rentals[sic] , which may be a good way for you to explore the country before you move here”.

So, hope that helps…that is, if you need some idea of an angle before you go in….

You can write about this:

or this:

Maye even both. Maybe one of those lower coastal Spain regions like the Costas, “have something for everyone, whether you’re into beaches, or eating zebra carcass.” type deals.

Either way,
I believe in you.

you’re a crack agent.

Again, not quite what I meant, but thats ok. Youve never let me down before.

Except that time,

But hey, I’m over it. That was years ago. Now I just want you to take your creative style, and show me a page like no one’s ever seen before….

yea.

s’what Im talkin about….

totally edgy and unique.

Completely fresh, and without label…

not given to societal norms.

way out in edge city

Like, completely defiant, cuz no one understands.

And no one ever will.

Got it?

k thx bai!

<3

So I came into work this morning, only to have a co-worker mention to me that AdCenter, MSN, and Hotmail all weren’t working for him. I checked a couple things and the sites loaded up just fine for me, but when I tried to log into AdCenter I got a friendly message saying that they were down for the time being.

Curiouser and curiouser. Then my first tweet of the day appeared:

trodrigues: msn servers are down. thousands of young portuguese girls commit mass suicide.

Intrigued, I decided to start tracking instances of “MSN” through Twitter IM. Boy, was that ever a mistake! The messages - most of them not in english - began pouring in, and my IM window has been blinking like mad all morning.

Some of the highlights:

(matheusodorisi): gente, o msn naum entra de forma alguma! appocalipse now!
(s1mone): @kakah o MSN morreu! Vida longa o GTalk!!!
(pvdp): Kom msn niet op.
(jonviray): MSN down for anyone else? people here at work are getting piiiissseed……
(hdur): Supongo que MSN enfurece a los dioses de Pakistán.
(Hausdorff): MSN産経のページ，なめてんのかって位重い
(justinkeller): Adium users: is MSN giving you problems today?
(jcloop): what the fruit is wrong with MSN messenger AND Hotmail??
(agenteinforma): MSN fora do ar não só no Brasil: http://tinyurl.com/3a4qyr
(jaredavery): What a nice start to my day. Had to help mum get in to Hotmail because MSN Messager did not want to work for her.
(cl0): who cares if you can’t get on msn? chances are not many people will wanna talk to you lot anyway ;)

And tons more comments like that. Lots of suggestions to try Meebo or defect to Gtalk. None of them seem to have any concrete intel on WHY MSN/Hotmail/et al are down, or if they do I don’t know enough portuguese/spanish/insert-other-languages-here to make it out.

I would like to note, that from my end, MSN messenger (using Pidgin) worked just fine, as did visiting LiveSpaces. The home page of Hotmail loaded up but I didn’t bother trying to log in.

Anybody got any good dirt on the situation?

Gentle readers: Well, it’s happened. I done hit the big time. It’s only a matter of time before I’ve abandoned you to go sip expensive bottled waters on yachts and anal-retentively police my own wiki entry.

What, might you ask, has caused this sudden surge in adulation for and popularity of yours truly? Well whether you’d ask or not, I’ll tell you! I’m published!

A while back, I heard about a six word memoir contest being held by SMITH Magazine. I mulled it over and decided that sounded like a lot of fun. So I cruised by the contest site, mulling over my life and adventures and everything so far. It’s hard to write a memoir when your life is still in full swing, but I found six words that I really felt fit who I am and where I am at this point in my life, submitted them with my contact info and that was that.

Some time passed and I got an email from Rachel Fershleiser, the woman who did an awful lot of work to make this happen. The editors of SMITH mag hand selected my entry out of over 5000 that had been submitted! WOW!

Truth be told I didn’t really believe it until yesterday evening when I got my contributor copy of the book in the mail, along with a press kit to help promote this volume that I had a hand in creating.

The book that is the result of so many people’s honesty and wit is called: Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. They aren’t kidding about the famous, either. They were able to get six words of to-the-bone slices of life from the likes of Stephen Colbert, Aimee Mann, and Mario Batali!

It is a privledge and an honor to have my words chosen, and put into this really interesting volume. True, I cracked it open to find my name, but wound up reading the introduction and marvelling at the process and the TLC the editors clearly put into the project. The memoirs themselves run between hilarious and heartbreaking, with about every other sentiment you can imagine in between. I wound up going through it cover to cover already, and I keep thumbing back to share with my co-workers and friends. I actually can’t say enough good things about this, and I’d say only 25% of that excitement has to do with seeing my name in print.

For anybody who lives near me, if you get a copy and want to get my signature next to my entry, I’d be positively ecstatic to do so. I actually think it would be a lot of fun to go around getting signatures from as many chosen entrants as possible. (Especially if you could get a signature like Colbert’s!)

And in truth, this isn’t exactly my big break or anything, but it is certainly a lot of fun and I got a really entertaining book for free out of the deal, so I certainly can’t complain. Check it out! Oh, and you can still submit your six word memoir at SMITH and read contributions that you won’t get in the book.

Hard on the heels of that mind blowing letter of protest came another. Let it never be said that direct reasoning and protest is useless.

Yknow, he’s got a point there. I was pretty quick to just fold on the whole issue, but the fact of the matter is, theres lives at steak* here. In a literal, and figurative sense.
There must be a way to keep it alive. Dont lose heart G. Our numbers may be small and even infrequent, but you provide unequaled sanctuary when its needed most. In the midst of the storm G! The Shit storm!
Think about it. Jesse’s inspiration has awakened a slumbering giant of ranting protest. Wait til all four of us get going! Between us we can inundate your inbox with thoughtfully nagging pokes and pleads until Dec. 22, 2012.
Dont think we cant do it.

Member-J-2xxx

*Where’m ah’ gonna get ma’ Steak or Chicken! Who’m ah’ gonna stick mah’ dick in?!

At this point you can imagine I’m feeling sort of guilty! Yet still somewhat resolute. There are things that must be done and there must be alternatives for these guys! Little did I know that this was not nearly the end, and J-2xxx’s threat was in no way a bluff.

Badass art blog named after a badass Slowdive song. (see video below)

Chatlog:

Brian: if only her head wasnt full of air

G: it’s not even hot air. it’s the same air that’s been there since birth. It’s since stagnated and aided in the generation of mutant virii that, if ever released, would wipe out all life on earth
not that I’m judgemental or anything

Brian: not in the slightest

More:

Jesse: yeah it sucks cause nobody in here has an open mind about music i understand that it is a work environment and some people get distracted easily, but people were BITCHING ABOUT LED ZEPPELIN yesterday. they were like “what is this, can we shut it off?” luckily i had my samurai sword and i cut them all into tiny fucking pieces and shoved them all into the coffee maker, waited 30 mins and sat back and relaxed to “trampled under foot” while sipping on some piping hot human tea…. assholes

Facinating photoset. Check out the ignorant-ass comments below.

Woe and sadness unto you, cubicle drone. An entire blog dedicated to snapshots of tons of different companies. Mainly young, hip, internet-based companies on top of it.

Take a good look around you. Do a quick inventory of your surroundings.
Do they include any or all of the following:

1. A full wall, hand-painted mural
2. Some manner of arcade cabinet or gaming table
3. “Alternative” or mainly ergonomic furniture
4. Pets, not counting fish, rocks, or plants
5. As-yet-to-be-finished sections, or furniture that is not yet assembled
6. A large colorful logo that isn’t your neighbor’s favorite sports team banner

If you said “no” to all of the following, it is entirely possible that you work for a stuffy, old-school, dead-end company. If this is a concern, it is highly advisable that your reorganize your life goals and hop to it. That house in Bali won’t build itself, bucko.

That said, go check out some of these pictures, seriously. If that doesn’t inspire you to improve your work life, what will?

Into every life, a little ridiculous, standardized bureaucracy must fall. In the case of mine, I have encountered the insurmountable juggernaut that is “Dress Code”. This has come up about five or six times in my time here, but never really stuck before. Thank goodness. Working for an Internet company who doesn’t really handle walk-in business (with rare exception), I’m stunned and frustrated by this repeated insistence upon doing things the “meatspace” way. I’ve never been the best at maintaining a budget, a laundry schedule, or a steady weight. These powers combine to create a condition by which I rarely, if ever, have anything that will pass for “Business Appropriate”, whatever that means. As a result I typically make-do with jeans and some kind of shirt that doesn’t look too grubby or trashy. So far so good I wager.

Yet I digress. Dress Code Part 2: Electric Boogaloo, has descended upon our merry band of rascals to lay some foxes in otherwise rather content hen houses. A condensed beam of sunlight seeking out worker ants whose exoskeleton is improperly decorated by worker ant standards as set out in Tomes of Olde. Presumably the goal is something of a mimicry of those who came before us. Even Jack Parsons wore a suit to work, and he was some kind of crazy-ass pagan/rocket scientist who did a lot of field work (in both areas of his life).

So let’s get down to the nitty gritty. The actual body of this extremely local legislation.

“Please use Dress Code Common Sense Law; If you aren’t sure, then don’t wear it!”
What if you’re a self-conscious person, or a fashion hound, or it’s early and you’re hung over and easily confused? Any of those three means that the odds are pretty good you aren’t sure about what you’re wearing for the day. What if you can’t decide what shirt to wear? Does that mean go without one? Technically that would follow that law to the letter. It’s a logistics nightmare. There’s also the believe that “common” sense is by no means common at all, but that’s another discussion altogether.

There’s a statement against wrinkles too. Wrinkles? Wear clothes without wrinkles? Whoever first decided that that was important needs to go right to hell. The individual who first decided that wrinkles were a detriment to one’s business ability doesn’t live in any reality I’ve ever been privy to where people wear clothes and they get wrinkled.

Casual Friday’s entry isn’t even complete in this official document. It’s both curious and a little frightening. As if to suggest the robot overlords terminated the author prior to their completion of the thought.

With the idea appearance directly affecting one’s worthiness as a business associate, or affecting the opinion of visitors so negatively as to be disgusted, I have come to the conclusion that the comedians are right: Business office atmospheres should be soul-crushing places, brimful of quiet desperation.
All employees should wear gray from fear of being offensive, except for the one guy whose wife makes him wear the pink shirt because Marie Claire Magazine told her that it would help him boost his confidence.
Everyone will spend all day whispering about him in lieu of anything worthwhile going on in their miserable lives, and smile really nicely when he shows up at the coffee pot to get his 80th cup of the morning.
In truth, this is just another way of burying his frustration at his utterly failed marriage, and dead-end job.
By the end of the week, he will be found hanging from his belt in the men’s room. No one will ever use the big stall ever again out of discomfort rather than respect and all silently curse their own fates, but express their misery just a little more openly.
But hey, at least they look business appropriate.

Why is this machination - this plot to undermine people’s abilities by overwhelming them with trivial appearance issues - desirable? I’m at an utter loss. Explain please!

“The belief that “order is true” and disorder is false or somehow wrong, is the Aneristic Illusion. To say the same of disorder, is the ERISTIC ILLUSION.”

~ Principia Discordia