Nothing makes you think harder about the quality of your life than having the shits. Truly. Nothing gives you more pause for thought than when your colon is doing things you know damn well it oughtn’t do at all.
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Being, in suitable Measure, a humble Broadside in the Baroque Fashion, the Aim, inasmuch as mere Persons be possessed of a Will to divine Truths, and these Truths doth shew the Purpose and Designes of such a benevolent Creator, who, though a Deity endowed with Caprice, hath made Humankind in His Image, and there-by disencumb’red His Creation of a notably oppressive Weight; that is to say, the tragic Burden of Ignorance, and there-by shewed to mortal Persons, (not much unlike thy humble Scrivener, may it please the Reader), the Whys and Hows of this World; including forthwith certain Understandings of Natural Philosophy, which, through the Mercy (and possibly Oversight) of the Lord our God, divers Peoples, (both antiently and contemporaneous with our Modern Times and Days), hath educated their Selves by way of divers Disciplines and Reasonings, these being demonstrably unattainable by the lower Orders of Beastes, by Which is implied, but not to these Specimens limited, nor specifickally iterated, as the common Aurochs, the fearsome River-Horse of Africa, divers Sheepes, or Rattes, &c., &c., and seeing thusly, (if my Esteemed Reader permit me such Embellisshment) that the Milk of human Reason is accordingly, through a veritable and ostensible (though mysterious) Trans-Substantiation, congeal’d there-by into the Cheese of Civilization, by the Means and Devices previously elucidated, by Nature founding a mighty Precedent, by which Learned Persons may discourse, on the very Nature of the Thinge at Hand; to wit, a golden Shafte, the approximatte Breadth and Girth of a Man’s Rod (this being, an Euphemisme, much in Fashion, of Late employ’d in the Description or Ridicule of a Man’s generative Organ), assumedly Hollow’d, and carried by certaine fashionable Ladies of High Breeding, who, being some-what Inured to the Censure of the Mobb, may carrie about their Personages, for Use in conducting a fresh Jet of liquid Urine, from a Lady’s divine Holiest of Holies, to any number of Targets, Destinations, or Bodies of Water intended for Same, a Device or Engine known to the Vulgar as the “Shenis“.
Previous Writings hath taken scant Account for the Merits of said Innovation, having elected to lambaste and be-labor the Shenis with some Scorn not entirely undeserv’d, and so discount the great Benefites, which can be enumerated at some length by thinking Persons.
These Criticisms, though frivolous in the Eyes of this humble Author, bear some Merit in their Repetition;
These Arguments, and divers Others, may certes be applied contra the Shenis, as many a contrary Opinion or Idea seemeth, while the Moon shines, to be well-reason’d or inviolable. The Esteemed Reader should, however, accept a Caution: that the Sun, as He rises and rudely violates the Brains of the recently Awakened (and typically Hung-Over) like a buggering Miscreant, also dispels Arguments which, upon secondary Inspection, are reveal’d to be Naught but the Excremental Discharge of ethereal, ephemeral Dreams, such as Those dream’d by One much devoted to the Pracktice of daily imbibing certaine Inexpensive Pharmacopoeic preparations.
This Author proposes a strong Counter-Argument, which, though not Infallible, (as only the Work of the Creator may be beyond Reproach), may serve to Illuminate a particular Pointe, as ruthlessly as does the Sun to the Retinas of the intemperate Drunkard, there-by rendering him a gormless Wrack of his former Self, and which, by outweighing other divers worthy Criticisms of the Shenis by reason of the greater Merit, should mote it necessary for the Publick to embrace the Shenis, and all Things Shenile:
Namely, that the Shenis is a suitable Accoutrement for Ladies of Distinction, who happen to be in the Habit of conducting the Exploration of divers low Taverns, slatternly Boozeries, certaine disreputable and ill-favor’d Stores of Convenience, and Dwelling-Places or Work-Places of sluttish or boorish Persons, for the Reason that, in such Circumstances as typically befall a Man, where-in he is forced, by his own bewilderingly wretched Drunkenness, or a Sense of sheer Meanness, or by a noble and gentlemanly Lust for unholy and awful Vengeance, to unfurl his mighty Member from behind his Codpiece, Sporran, Greaves &c., &c., and thence let forth a voluble Column of Pisse, for the Purpose of instilling Ignominy and Fury in the hearts of his Enemies- or possibly just from drunken Perversity, targeting some Object which would not benefite from such Bespatterment, id est: a Trashe-canne, or some-such other Item which requires Handling and subsequent Dis-posal by a deservedly furious Peasant or impertinent, surly Wage-Slave.
Long have Females, and Women particularly, labored under the Notion, that utilizing an Adversary’s Trashe-canne, for an amusing makeshift Privy, while in a State of vindictive Drunkenness, is an impossible Methodology. With divers technologickal Engines, such as the Shenis, can we now ensure that the Womanly Sector of our Populace is as equally forearmed, for this dire Contingency. Concomitant with the Advent of the Shenis, this Author augurs a Rise in the regard of the Female gender, and increased Respect paid to Ladies Hither and Yon.
In summation- Fine Ladies who indulge in Purchases of this or similar “Engines for the Guidance of Urine” shall make known a dire, yet silent, Ultimatum; “Your Respect, if you please, Knave, else your eventual Trip to the Dumpster shall be a dribbly and foul Journey indeed.” Victims of such unspeakably gruesome Treatment, upon their subsequent Bemoistening, may reflect on their Habits and Ways of conducting their Business, and possibly improve Same.
If these Rogues change not their Manners, repeated Shenisings may, at Least, alter their Tune.
J-Dilla, also known as Jay Dee, is widely regarded in the hip-hop community to be one of the most innovative producers ever to grace the turntables. Known as a “producer’s producer,” Dilla’s work was so highly esteemed that many of the biggest and most important names in hip-hop (like Common, Talib Kweli, ?uestlove, Erykah Badu, A Tribe Called Quest and Madlib) looked to him not only for inspiration, but for actual production work on what ended up being some of their most accomplished albums to date.
J-Dilla was also one of the first to release entire albums of sample-heavy, instrumental work, which incidentally is how he ended up collaborating with another master of the genre: Madlib. Madlib had been extremely impressed with Dilla’s innovative style and couldn’t help himself but to play with some beats for inspiration. The compliment didn’t escape Dilla and this initial meeting led to the creation of the now somewhat legendary JayLib.
Part of what makes their album, Champion Sound (2003), so distinctive stems from the way it was recorded. The duo met only once during the making, and the rest of the album was recorded by sending beats and vocals back and fourth. The collaboration ended with half of the album consisting of Dilla beats with Madlib’s vocals and the other half Madlib beats with Dilla’s vocals. I hesitate to call the final vibe earthy but for lack of a better word, it does feel somewhat organic in that there is nothing forced about the way these two artists blend their individual styles.
Dilla was a pioneer in blending hip-hop with a kind of neo-soul music that brought to life both genres and infused the result with a little bit of jazz, funk and a personal touch that can only be described as heart.
Talk about heart. Dilla struggled with TTP, a rare blood disease, and Lupus, and in 2005 performed throughout Europe from a wheelchair. He finished his last album, the brilliant Donuts from a hospital bed where he passed away just three days after its release. Check him out.
Special Bonus: If Champion Sound really appeals to you, CD Universe has a deluxe reissue, complete with TONS of extras and backstory.
I couldn’t tell you why but I take such a perverse amount of pleasure in the Xs that keep cropping up in place of where my actual “friends” used to be. It’s almost enough to let this account sit here until this site officially implodes in on itself. Unfortunately it’s become such a haven for melodramatic teenagers (Gaia without the cute avatars?), that it is highly unlikely it will ever go away. While it is true some people do seem to use this for what could be claimed is its “original purpose”, based on my experience I think the vast majority are composed of about five types.
1 - Whores - This is a very broad category. This includes spam accounts to generate pay-per-click revenue for any number of ridiculous products, as well as people whose extreme attention seeking behavior earn them the more generic label of Ho. Just to clarify, this category includes:
~ jailbait who put up pictures of themselves in their underwear
~ “scene kids” nee “emo kids”
~ businesses who put up some manner of profile front (I’m looking at you Carlo Rossi),
~ And of course, actual whores and/or sluts (one expects cash and advertises as such, the other just makes you pay for everything then dumps you), etc.
2 - Drama Students - While I applaud the philosophy of “never stop learning”, this does not apply to the kind of overly melodramatic and destructive behavior that one is likely to pick up during the Junior High and High School years of one’s life. Quite frankly I never wanted to use the internet to find out who hates who and why, and it’s largely because I usually don’t give a flying fuck. I disrespect drama in all forms, but internet drama… Stupid to the nth degree. Whatever happened to the good old fist fight? The screaming match in public? People are getting awfully passive aggressive. I blame all that “self-esteem” crap they taught us when we were all little.
3 - Angst (omigod awesome link lol)- It comes from all sides. I’m guilty of a bit myself. It’s that bizzare ritual of self-deprication in public, seeking sympathy, understanding, and/or open communication from any source even if it includes a bunch of people you don’t really like all that much. Angst, drama, and whoring are usually daisy chained together 4lyfe, but this gets its own category because there are career angst-and-woe types out there who absolutely must insist that they are miserable (or perhaps really are miserable) at all times, in the most public ways possible. How many people really give half a thought to you? Probably not as many as you would hope. Learn to bottle and die early of heart disease, if it was good enough for your grandparents and great-grandparents, it’s good enough for you. (Then give me all your meds, maybe there will be something good in that pile of rubbish doctors prescribe for behavioral modification.)
4 - Fledgling Media Breakouts - Before the recent rash of whores through my approval box, the only time I would bother to check this thing is when some manner of small or local band wanted me to rally to their flag. Sure thing guys, more power to you I guess. Someday I might even stop being such a workaholic and find the time to go catch a show. Who knows?
5 - /B/tards and Related - These people of indeterminiate race, religion, quanitity, and quality want you to be a retard who will fill in your password at the drop of a hat, without paying attention as to whether or not you really are still on the myspace servers. Then they’re going to take your brilliantly crafted profile and probably replace it with something involving memes, cuss words, and/or penises. Anonymous is legion, and they really don’t give a shit about you or your friends, so if defiling your profile is going to be funny to anybody, it will be done if you’re stupid enough to give up your information blindly. Quite frankly if you can’t be bothered to monitor your login information, you deserve it. (Besides, I think it’s kind of funny, too. …desu)
I hope I have made both my disgust and my amusement with this Borg-like hive of ridiculousness that is myspace. Please do let me know if I’ve forgotten any key points.
I just got done reading one of today’s Table of Malcontents blog entries in regards to a YouTube-related challenge in which people can obtain a free copy of the DVD called The God Who Wasn’t There, which is naturally about atheism. The goal of the challenge is to submit a recording of you “damning yourself to Hell”, primarily by including somewhere in your recording a distinct denial of the Holy Spirit.
This meatspace trolling crusade reminded me that I was recently asked as to whether or not I believed in the supernatural. A quick Wiki search pulled up a brief definition of “supernatural” as:
The supernatural (Latin: super- “above” + nature) refers to forces and phenomena which are not observable in nature, and therefore beyond verifiable measurement. Though supernatural refers chiefly to the cause of phenomena (an interpretation), if a phenomenon can be demonstrated, it is typically no longer considered to be supernatural.
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supernatural
I was told that there was only a binary way in which I could answer this: yes or no. The lack of admitting to a grey area has gotten me in trouble on a lot of subjects, and I dislike dealing with subjects as important as belief lightly. However, in binary I must answer no. If it cannot be proven then how can I really “believe” that such a thing exists? There isn’t enough time in the day to invest too much thought in something like that.
I suppose my more general answer is: I believe that things which are considered “supernatural”, which have not yet to date been verified, are subject to two possibilities:
[or]
Realistically there are many things which up until recent history fall into the realm of the supernatural which at this point are scientifically verifiable. Also, using the definition above, what becomes of theory? Especially in the areas of things like Quantum Physics and Mathematics. (Am I applying the definition incorrectly here?)
Best as I can figure, germs were supernatural until we figured out what they really were. We knew people got sick. There were any number of theoretical reasons why. For a long time we had no way to observe the actual force at work, the way it really works, just the body’s reaction. Eventually we got to the bottom of that particular mystery. It is now understood and is officially natural instead of supernatural. (And people definitely gave any number of highly superstitious reasons why people got sick, and still do.) Note the article on The Germ Theory of Disease. It took quite a lot of testing and hanging onto what were at the time unverifiable beliefs to get this idea to finally take hold until anything could be proven.
There are a number of things that are classified as supernatural in this day and age, and I do especially like the quote from that same Wiki page: “Measure what is measurable, and make measurable what is not so.” –Galileo
There is always a way to justify what we encounter in this world. Sometimes it is only on a purely psychological level. Speaking of psychology, I’m pretty sure we still don’t understand emotions all that well. That would make feelings an unmeasurable, unverifiable force or phenomena. Does that mean happiness is also supernatural?
I am definitely not one to counter the power of human belief, faith, and/or conviction in general. It is the source of our greatest power and our greatest weakness. While there are many things I do not believe because I cannot justify expending my faith on such things, I will never doubt the power a particular belief holds over another person, or how that belief ultimately effects me and my life. And while a thing may not actually exist in a measurable fashion, man is very attached to his symbols, and I think understanding humankind’s memes is a great way to help one’s self understand humankind itself.
There is no reason to scoff or discount what is not understood, there is only understanding or the lack there of and nothing more.
Wired’s “The Luddite” calls it like it is sometimes.
And I have to admit to being guilty of being too self-absorbed. To irritated and disillusioned (or just dillusional in general?) to be truely “angry” enough to do the right thing. The right thing being: get up in the faces of those that are falling LEAGUES short of their duty.
For the record though, I have never been fleeced by the amoral fluff that occupies prime time television. Paris Hilton will eventually develop a life-ending sexual disease and that will be that. If anything, that situation and any subsequent press coverage of her dealing with that eventuality would actually bring some light to the fact that living such a lifestyle actually does have negative consequences. The consequences for fucking everything that moves - as well as some things that don’t - are largely glossed over from what I can tell.
As for the government and the press? The phrase “fear and loathing” comes to mind. The dry, practical-yet-personal approach of Dr. Thompson is something that seems rather lacking during these times of crisis. I am sinking my teeth into Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ‘72, and I can safely say the similarities are already astounding.
So what is it going to take, I wonder, to motivate the people like me to do something? Besides of course this armchair punditry. What have others been doing? I’m curious. I don’t always keep track of the socio-political activities of my friends, but it’s still good to know that someone cares enough to do something.
Talk to me, people.
Some kids play in the sandbox. We play in the.... litterbox??? The RKNet staff is pleased that you decided to stop by. Currently this is a 1 author project, with periodic guest posts. Contact giania [at symbol] gmail.com if you'd like to play here to.
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