RKNet Blog... Thing

That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die.

Something I have learned over the past decade is that every investigative hero requires the correct and proper equipment. One thing they require is a sensible bag to store manuscripts and treasures in. Indiana Jones had his modified gas mask bag. Dean Corso from “The Ninth Gate” had his canvas satchel. Spider Jerusalem had his leather book bag. Currently I use a Megatokyo bag shoulder bag or a Burton snowboarding rucksack depending on what I’m doing. Both have served me well and see many wonderful sights. When I was first exposed to the Mythos I don’t know what my bag was. I would have been at school and just started doing my GCSEs. I believe that I used a cheap nasty messenger bag at the time.

My first exposure to the Cthulhu Mythos was rather appropriately took place outside of a library. Somehow talk drifted to the Necronomicon. A goth kid from the sixth form had bought a copy of it into school. “This is a famous book of occult bad ass,” was how it was described to me. No word or mention of Mr Lovecraft or of the books fictional origins. Sadly for my fifteen year old self a little research soon uncovered the books falseness.

Many people though still think that the Necronomicon is a real book. The copy that the acquaintance in the sixth form had was undoubtedly now a copy of the Simon Necronomicon. But first the fictional history of the book.

First mention of the book appears in the 1921 story “The Hound” (published 1924) as a book written by the “Mad Arab” Abdul Alhazred who was mentioned in a story written one year earlier called “The Nameless City”. The Necronomicon itself is mentioned in no less then five of Lovecraft’s Mythos stories. With references made to the tome in “At the Mountains of Madness” and “The Case of Charles Dexter Ward” among other stories.

In the 1921 story “The Nameless City” the rhyming couplet by Abdul Alhazred is given at two points in the text. This couplet appears in “The Call of Cthulhu” from 1928, it is identified as a quotation from the Necronomicon. The couplet is the one at the top of the essay. Some description of the text is given in “The Dunwich Horror” with the book being often described as bound in leather and having metal clasps to keep the large book’s pages safe from damage.

The authenticity of the Necronomicon has been in question since the time of Lovecraft with the author often being asked about the book. His answer was always that it was an invention of his own. In a letter to letter to Robert Bloch in July 1933 he clearly writes: “As for the “Necronomicon”—this month’s triple use of such allusions is bringing me in an unusual number of inquiries concerning the real nature & obtainability of Alhazred’s, Eibon’s, & von Junzt’s works. In each case I am frankly confessing the fakery involved.”

But still rumors of the books authenticity persist. These rumors helped by various differing editions of the Necronomicon being published in the years since Lovecrafts death. One of these the Simon Necronomicon mentioned above was released in 1977 by Schlangekraft, Inc. in a limited edition of 666. The book was later released in paperback and has never been out of print since. Unfortunately I’ve never read the Simon Necronomicon. So I can only give a quick digest of the information on Wikipedia. But it might be of interest if anyone wants to read further into the subject after.

The book claims in it’s introduction that it is a translation of the Greek Necronomicon. The content of the book is mostly based on Sumerian mythology with attempts to tie various entities in Mesopotamian mythology to correspondent entities in Lovecraft’s Mythos. Eh, what else is there to say? It’s black magic bullshit with curses and summons written in a mix of English and ancient Sumerian. With warnings all over the book claiming it’s danger. The back cover saying that this book is “the most potent and potentially, the most dangerous Black Book know to the Western world.”

Whatever the truth is and I suspect that the truth is fictional. The Necronomicon has a place in pop culture like no other book. With references to the book appearing in the Evil Dead film series, web comic Megatokyo and Terry Pratchett’s Discworld book “Moving Pictures”.

Will.

Next a journey into the occult underground of The Invisibles and Chaos Magic.

Pages of obvious interest:

The H.P. Lovecraft.com page about the Necronomicon, contains further information about the Necronomicon.

The network administrator is one of the funniest, most dedicated, generally awesome guys I’ve ever had the good fortune to meet. This morning I got copied on an email he sent to one of my co-workers regarding a rather unfortunate circumstance: a client of his was one of those people who gets a chain letter and forwards it to EVERYONE in their address book. This naturally included my co-worker, and the presence of giant attachments, unwanted witticisms and lots and lots of animated gifs was really starting to cramp the guy’s style.

Network Admin to the rescue! Below, with some redacted names to protect identities (because I try to be polite like that) is the solution.

Hey Todd,

I can block his e-mail address from hitting our server, but unfortunately he wouldn’t be able to send any e-mail to us at all if that happened-/probably/ not a good idea if he’s a client.

You can delete them, but the best thing to do is to ask him to stop sending them in the first place. The easiest way to do that is to make **ME** the bad guy, so the fucking idiot doesn’t get all offended and shit. Try something like this:

/”Good morning Mr. Latent Pedophile,

I can’t put into words how much sheer, unadulterated joy your wonderful e-mails have brought me. You see, before I starting receiving your witty and carefully crafted mass-produced chain e-mails my life was but a meaningless shell. Being on your “send” list has truly been a divine gift from above. Not only has it made me a better man, but flowers smell better, the sky is brighter, and food tastes better.

Best of all, it no longer hurts when I pee.

Alas, there is a problem: You see, the network administrator here is a real “type-A” knuckle-dragger. He’s an angry, angry man-the type of guy who has driven away anyone who has ever tried to love him. He is verbally abusive to his co-workers, and his breath is so bad that the paint around his desk *is actually peeling. *He monitors all of the network traffic to and from our e-mail server. Yesterday he waddled over to my desk, belched, farted in my general direction, and //then started screaming at me about bandwidth issues and security concerns. For this reason I must beseech you to stop sending me these types of messages. He assured me that if I receive any more he was going to dock my pay $10.00 per megabyte-so you’re most recent message for example could cost me $13.20.

I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with not receiving future chain letter messages from you. Alas, I may have to take up clown punching, chicken choking-or some other constructive way to vent my inhuman rage against the man. Thank you for your understanding.

I weep alone,

Todd T.
Resident Badass
“/

Give that a shot dude. Let me know how it works out.
*
**
Chris
*

Oh Chris, it is truly an honor to work with you!

Dear person who tried to use my debit card in Queens this weekend:

The joke is on you, not only did the bank call shenannigans on your attempt before anything was charged but I don’t have any fucking money anyway, so you would have been shit out of luck no matter what.

Thanks for forcing me to change all my service billing though, really appreciate having to sort through all of that.

Next time you’re scraping people’s personal information to buy crap, make sure the debit card you’ve snatched is attached to an account worth draining. Ass.

Also, thank you to TD BankNorth for being on top of this enough to prevent me from being robbed.

And another big fat fuck you goes out to Hannaford, since it is very likely my information was seized due to their highly unreliable credit card security.

Love, ~G

This morning my mother copied to me via IM an email or a page she had found. Within contains the most complete list of paranoias, hoaxes, wishful thoughts, and general falderall ever generated via email chain letters. It is a tremendously entertaining read and I absolutely have to share with you all. Oh, and if you don’t digg, del.icio.us and put this on your facebook then bad luck and extreme misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity. Bill Gates told me so. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

This is pretty cute and I thought you’d get a few healthy chuckles from it. :) I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I can’t enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck! I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are se nding me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a num ber for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda & Singapore and Uzbekistan I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your b ack, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician… Have a wonderful day… Oh, by the way….. A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.-

I was putting together a rather unexciting brochure, when I noticed that the capital Q in Arno Pro (Bold Caption) has a really elegant flow. Being familiar with the concept of typographical zoology, I decided to see what I could come up with. The tail-like nature of the letter of course lead me first to think of Felis catus, ye olde house cat. (A popular item on the internet these days, indeed.)

Enjoy!

Ok, not really. My good friend Kento over at Uglorable has composed an AMAZING compendium of obscure animals - one for each letter of the alphabet - entitled: Obscure Animal Alphabet: Axolotl to Zebu.

For letter A is the Axolotl, which HAS to be the inspiration for that internet famous Pokémon, Mudkips.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Sure there’s color differences, but that’s pretty minor all things considered.

As you go down the list, you realize that the creators of Pokémon were clearly influenced by nature itself. Sure, they take a lot of liberties, but in terms of creature design, it’s clear they went straight for nature’s bounty.

Even if you couldn’t care less about video games, Pokémon, or internet memes, I’d still recommend checking out this animal alphabet. Every letter is an adventure, there’s a photo of each unique animal, and a description of each one! It’s like Zoo Books, only awesome.

Now go read some James Joyce and get drunk!

Then after you’re drunk, read some of the dirty letters he wrote to his lady. Ooh la la!

This message inspired by: Shelfari and the urge to get drunk.

Last, but certainly not least, comes this heated admonishment.
For the record, I have not at this time cancelled the shoutcast.
Viva la musica.

G,

The SEOians may be upset about this horrid loss of a radio comrade. But at least they have their clever wit, sick twisted humor, their own ipods and LFO to get off on in the absence of this most beloved of all radio stations. What will I have to get off on? I am alone in a world of darkness. I am alone in a world of Ron Paul discussions and beef jerky farts. I have no high fangled, state of the art equipment such as Ipods and Walkmans. Think of me….the lone poor kid without a pot to piss or shit in.
I compare shoutcast[redacted] not to chocolate milk, but instead to Ether and Sour Mix…..what would you do G, without that beloved liquid filtering down your throat and making happy in your brain? Where would you be without the color changing straws?? I tell you where……alone in a world of darkness just as yours truly is.
I will take this moment of silence to remember the good ol’ days, when I was first free from client Care and liberated to enjoy such things as Google Talk, the bathroom when I wanted, tea, frolicking in the park, puppies, kittens, Blue Latitudes and of course sweet sweet tunes. Provided by our fearless General of Jams, our Sargent of Song, the Mastermind of Music and so on and so forth.

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane……ummmm Radio Show??? What happened to that dream? I could have been the Robin to your Howard Stern! We could have had naked broads catching things in their jugs for gift certificates to the mall. How dare you steal my dream? Member-J-2xxx is right, the revolution for shoutcast[redacted] has started and you will continue to receive our constant email bombardments until this situation has been righted!

So…..anyway…wanna play some Baby’s on Fire for me?

For those not in the know, the herpes references do have a legitimate precedent, namely the origin story of the band Godsmack’s name.
Erna stated in a 1999 interview that “I was making fun of somebody who had a cold sore on his lip and the next day I had one myself and somebody said, ‘It’s a godsmack.’ The name stuck. We were aware of the Alice in Chains song but didn’t really think much about it. It’s a cool song and the name had meaning for us”. ~via wikipedia

They’re right. I’ve been smacked in the face by herpes crisps one (5,000) too many times. Now, I lie, drenched in a puddle of mud, SULLen and covered in sloppy joe. [Crawling in my Skin.] Through the mess, I’m screaming for the relief that only Shoutcast can afford.

How will I drag myself through the moist, oozing slit that is Monday without a little Stevie Ray Vaughn to carry me along? How shall I adequately pay homage to the upcoming dreams of Ether-and-Sour that Friday afternoon promises, without a little chair-dance-party-inducing DP? Without you and your [shoutcast] box, how would I have ever discovered the joys of Party Fun Action Committee and Cocorosie?

Admittedly, I’m not always logged on, but the solace that Shoutcast’s presence affords is the only thing that keeps me from tearing the face off of the greyface drones who play 3 Doors Down and Nickelback on the community radio for all of our listening pleasure. Please G. Reconsider. If not for the morale of your fellow comrades, do it to prevent the spread of herpes in the workplace.

Hard on the heels of that mind blowing letter of protest came another. Let it never be said that direct reasoning and protest is useless.

Yknow, he’s got a point there. I was pretty quick to just fold on the whole issue, but the fact of the matter is, theres lives at steak* here. In a literal, and figurative sense.
There must be a way to keep it alive. Dont lose heart G. Our numbers may be small and even infrequent, but you provide unequaled sanctuary when its needed most. In the midst of the storm G! The Shit storm!
Think about it. Jesse’s inspiration has awakened a slumbering giant of ranting protest. Wait til all four of us get going! Between us we can inundate your inbox with thoughtfully nagging pokes and pleads until Dec. 22, 2012.
Dont think we cant do it.

Member-J-2xxx

*Where’m ah’ gonna get ma’ Steak or Chicken! Who’m ah’ gonna stick mah’ dick in?!

At this point you can imagine I’m feeling sort of guilty! Yet still somewhat resolute. There are things that must be done and there must be alternatives for these guys! Little did I know that this was not nearly the end, and J-2xxx’s threat was in no way a bluff.