You are hiding behind a stone wall being shot at by heavily armed cultist. You have had two weeks of training to deal with situations like this. But you’re only just starting to remember this. You know you should feel angry that people are shooting at you. But you consider that they would shoot at anyone trying to sneak into their heavily armed and very secretive religious compound. Instead you think about the figurative bastards that put you in this situation. They woke you up at four in the morning approximately thirteen hours ago. Bundled you into a car, then an airplane and whisked you six hundred miles from your home. They told you that that two week blackout you had was their fault. That two week blackout two years ago. A blackout that cost you a relationship with a person you deeply loved and very nearly alienated you from your immediate family. They said that you’d been taken to a secret government facility and been in their words ‘The Clockwork Orange’ treatment. Except instead of making you dislike violence they taught you to know how to do very unpleasant things to your fellow human beings. When you didn’t believe this as they quite reasonably expected they produced photographic evidence, timestamped and digitally signed. These memories slowly came back to you. You attributed this to the background music playing in the airplane’s cabin.
The current problem that you are to be injected into was explained to as a local disturbance which could rapidly turn into the European version of the Waco Ranch massacre. They explain to you that this is where you come in. You, they explain are to sneak into the compound and assassinate the leader of the cult as well as disrupt as much of the chain of command. Logically you try to explain to them that Solid Snake does this in the video games and he tends to die an awful lot in the attempt. They do not get the reference. They also suck their gums a lot which you take as a sign of ‘you’re not the first one we’ve sent in.’
The sneaking into the farm ran by crazy cult members did go better than expected. You made it past the official police line and through a field past the body of who you assume was ‘the first one sent in.’ As you reach the edge of the main farm complex however it all goes wrong.
Not the first one to be sent in seems to explain the problem well as you hide behind a dry wall. Your mouth is dry and your hands have almost stopped trembling. Their bullets have stopped firing. Cautiously you peer around the corner and see that three of the larger cultists are running towards you while brandishing very scary looking shotguns. You gulp. Aim the silenced pistol you were given at the closest cultist. Then you fire. It isn’t a perfect shot. It goes through his leg and he tumbles to the floor. He is screaming but the other two have upped the pace. You take aim again and fire. The next one drops without a sound in a mist of red. The third cultist stops. He raises his shotgun. You take cover. He discharges the weapon into the wall and the pellets bounce off the wall harmlessly. You feel you are getting the hang of this. Looking around the corner you feel slightly disappointed that he is running away from you.
You move forwards from this wall to the next. This is progress you think. Then they start firing a machine gun at you and you dive for the closest thing you see that looks like cover. The training you remember consisted of firing ranges, simulated close quarters combat exercises and training drills. Very little of the training (although you cannot be quite certain right now as your memory is still fragmented) involved being shot at and the immediate action to be taken when you inevitably come into the situation. You go on instinct here. Duck and cover, then hope that the machine gun breaks or runs out of bullets.
The person manning the machine gun appears to be enjoying himself. Every few seconds a burst of fire removes fragments of the dry stone wall. The bullets are close and you hear some of them whistle through the air. The gunner however has a steady rhythm to his firing. You remember that you have a mirror on one of the cargo pockets. You take it out and use it to peer round the edge of the wall. There is only him. His burst finishes. You jump over the wall and shoot him in the head. The way into the main building is clear now. You kick the flimsy wooden door from it’s hinges. You hear a thumping noise.
You are cold and cannot move. Your head aches with a dull throbbing sensation. Your face hurts. Opening your eyes you see that you are in a cellar. The thin light of sunset comes in through an opening in the wall near the ceiling. You work out why you are cold and cannot move. Directly ahead of you is a man. He is naked and strapped to a gurney. His right arm has a horrific gunshot wound and his groans occasionally break his possibly drug induced sleep.
Four sky clad people walk into the cellar. One of them has a demonic mask and a evil knife. Another, a drum made from wood with a tight white skin with tattoo ink blue Celtic markings on it. The other two are women who start dancing and chanting as soon as they enter the room. The drummer starts to hit his drum and the masked man you watch move to stand in front of the injured man blocking him from your view.
“For your intrusion onto hallowed ground we punish you,” the masked man shouts. “For your intrusion onto hallowed ground we punish you,” the others repeat. You watch the masked man drag the knife across the injured mans chest. Blood runs to the ground. “For your violent ways we injured you,” the masked man shouts. “So we shall injure you again!” The two dancers say. The masked man pushes the knife into the injured mans gunshot wound. He screams! “We the children of the gods say you must die,” all of the cultists say. The injured man screams one last time. You see the masked man turn to you.
You are sweating heavily now. That evil knife is covered in gore and the blank look of the masked man you feel hides a sadistic smile. The drumming man carries on his vile rhythm for the dancers to follow. You see a small ball shaped object role through the sunlight opening. It bounces on the stone floor of the cellar. “For your intrusion,” the masked man starts to say. You close your eyes in terror.
You hear a deafening noise followed by chaotic screams and gunshot. You close your eyes even more. The ringing in your ears stops and you open your eyes. You try to speak and a desperate whimper is all you can summon. You see eight people in battle dress and black full face gas masks. One of them approaches you and slings his weapon over his shoulder. You watch him take his gas mask off. “It will be alright. You’ve done your duty. You’ve exceeded our expectations. Let us help you,” he says.
This story was originally entered into the SFX Pulp Idol competition. It didn’t win (aw), didn’t get shortlisted and it didn’t even get an honerable mention. No matter I’m well aware of it’s deficencies and it was a tracer bullet. Oh well it’s a success if someone enjoys it.
Ordinarily, when I do a mixwit tape, I don’t just run with one artist, but I was listening to some Jonathan Richman and I discovered that I just couldn’t help but share my love for this inventive storyteller, musician, and big-hearted guy.
He is probably best known for his work with his first band, The Modern Lovers. He formed this band in late 60s, early 70s near Boston, Massachusetts.
His style is heavily influenced by his love for the Velvet Underground (another favorite of mine), and their stripped down, all-out, intense music.
But enough preamble! The music is what matters.
New Kind of Neighborhood
An entertaining story about encountering a, well, new kind of neighborhood. The kind where people are free and happy. Not in that “we’ve thrown off the government” protest way, but in the way that suggests really encountering a different, close-knit community. Richman’s approach to lyrics is insightful and touching on a level that should really appeal to all but the most hardened cynics.
I Was Dancing in the Lesbian Bar
Caution: potential ear worm! I have had the hook from this song stuck in my head more than once. Another entertaining tale about a night out on the town, and how much more fun it is to be able to just get up and dance.
New England
As a New England native, and being the kind of guy he is, my guess is he just couldn’t resist talking up the area he calls home. Particularly relevant to me, as I’ve lived in New England myself for over ten years now!
You’re Crazy for Taking the Bus
Might be crazy, but again his poetic observation doesn’t fail to really capture the essence of the journey, and strike a chord with anyone who has had a similar experience.
I’m Straight
Not a reference to sexual orientation, but an inference that he can provide more engaging company than the competition for the object of his affections.
Satisfied Mind
The first of 3 covers tacked onto this unique sampler. It also happens to be a favorite song of mine.
Back in the USA
According to the intro to this track, this is originally a Chuck Berry song. So classic, and I love the background vocal harmonies. Also, check out that guitar sound. WHEEEEEW. I simply haven’t the words for it.
96 Tears
Originally by ? and the Mysterians. I love the gritty, haughty nature of the song, and the Modern Lovers (and Richman) really give it the treatment it deserves. You can also feel some serious Velvet Underground live recording sensibilities oozing through this track.
Within the video, a friendly older gentleman wishes to share a neat experiment and a metaphor with the audience. The experiment involves taking a regular pickle of fairly decent size, skewering either end with metal forks, hanging it from a safely grounded sling, and hooking up electrical clips to the forks. When the wire with the clips is plugged into a source of electricity (in this case a wall socket, as evidenced by the standard US plug on one end), we can see that electricity is conducted through the pickle to create a complete circuit. With the lights off, you can watch one end of the pickle glow and spark like a fourth of july sparkler as seen through frosted glass.
It is at this point which Grandpa John - that’s this older fellow’s stage name I’d assume - wishes to really make his metaphor. His goal was to demonstrate that by introducing the power of Christ in the life of any average person, that person will glow (figuratively) with the power and light of God.
Needless to say, the BoingBoing commenters had a field day with this somewhat dubious analogy.
My favorite comment: “Pickle! Pickle! burning bright,
Between the forks of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?” ~ chriss1519
Later on…
Gia-tan HA. take that expensive, wasteful floor washing kits and mops! Entire kitchen floor cleaned with one clorox wipe and my foot!
Gia-tan toes: best for getting into corners since the jesus pickle invented them
Then Mathiasx mentioned a song called Handlebars by a band called Flobots (which is absolutely amazing, by the by), which in turn reminded me of a song called Jesus Grow a Handlebar Moustache for Me by a band called Pataphysics. Bringing things somewhat full circle. Quite a reach for synchronicity, but without the original Jesus Pickle video from earlier, the odds of my remembering the Pataphysics’ song to make mention of it would have been significantly lessened.
Pataphysics - Jesus Grow a Handlebar Moustache for Me
If you can’t read that, and I don’t blame you if you can’t, it says “This Page Intentionally Left Blank” - which is to say that the second iteration of the Design-a-Vagina contest has come and gone without an entry. As such, I am somewhat grateful as it means I don’t have to shell out upwards of $150 on prizes, but I am also disappointed that I could not help the woman from North One who had encouraged me to rerun the contest in the hopes of fostering discussion on modern women’s body image issues.
Which is a subject that has been touched upon before by yours truly, although never really discussed outside of that post and mentions as part of the contest. Fun, games, and fabulous un-won prizes aside, are there any issues regarding elective cosmetic surgery and women’s body issues that anyone would like to talk about? If so, we would love to hear from you. No issues can be fixed or even identified unless they are understood, and understanding requires communication.
The comments and contents of this post are considered NSFW - Not Safe For Work - and we assume no fault if you get tagged for inappropriate conduct. Though we here at RKNet do not consider these contents inappropriate, we do not make the rules or the laws regarding your day-to-day life. Thank you for your understanding.
Welcome one and all to the second run of RKNet’s very first contest, the Design-a-Vagina contest. Previously we here at RKNet had provided a mostly blank sheet, in activity book style, encouraging people to create an image of a realistic or fantastic “ideal vagina”.
Thanks to the interest of a documentary team doing a film for North One Productions, we are proud to reopen the contest, with a few changes. The documentary is going to be called The Vagina Dialogues, with the goal of discussing female sexuality and body image, particularly as it relates to the Holiest-of-holies, the vag, the cooter, the hoo-hoo parts, the vagina, the vulva, the cooch and (depending on who you talk to) the cunt. With a focus on discussing the issue, the acceptable categories for entries to the Design-a-Vagina will be as follows:
150-1000 words on your personal feelings regarding the “ideal vagina” and your thoughts surgery or other modifications to attain an ideal visual appearance. You may express this in fiction if you include a brief opening statement which declares it a fictional piece, and hopefully states the goals of the piece in a short and clear fashion. Please state if you are male, female, mixed gender or transgender. Post your entry in the comments, or on your blog and link to it from the comments.
An original visual representation of what to you constitutes the “ideal vagina”, preferably with a brief description on your overall concept and thoughts surrounding the image. Photos, drawings, computer generated and mixed-media images appropriate. Link to your image (html image tags supported in the comments also) and share your comments. Please state if you are male, female, mixed gender or transgender. This category will rely on the honor system in part, however we will be doing background checks on every image submission.
Personal (i.e. of yourself) audio or video submissions between 1 and 5 minutes, discussing what you consider the “ideal vagina” and your thoughts surgery or other modifications to attain an ideal visual appearance. Please state if you are male, female, mixed gender or transgender.
Prizes will be determined in part by the number of entries in each category. If there are more than 10 in each category, then the chosen winner in each category will receive a $50 gift certificate to JT’s Stockroom (site NSFW) or Amazon.com - winners’ preference. Each category must have at least ten entries for this to apply. If there are less than 10 in each category (yes, even if it’s 10, 10, and 9), then one single winner will be chosen from all categories and be awarded a $50 gift certificate to either JT’s Stockroom or Amazon.com - winner’s preference.
Winners (in each category or in general if too few of each category are submitted) will be chosen at random. This is something I failed to specify before and many thanks to my good friend Matt for pointing out this grevious omission. The goal here is to foster communication, and as such I cannot very well propose that I have what it takes to judge the merit of people’s personal feelings.
Watch this post for updates: I will be trying to get backing to make the prizes more interesting for participants. Though I should hope that the opportunity to discuss these issues publicly would be the biggest draw of all.
There will also be bonuses and/or props available for people who demonstrate that they have promoted this contest. The person who can provide the most proof of promotion will receive a prize of their choosing, either many very public thanks and links by RKNet on your behalf or a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com.
The deadline for the contest is 06/30/2008, 12:00 pm EST.
Entries will be chosen within a week of the deadline. An update will be made after the close of the deadline declaring the number of entries in each category.
It’s a two for one special! Come for the paraphrasing of a pretty funny BBC article, and stay for the hook up on ancient cannabis usage!
I happened to pop my head into the ectochat and what to my wondering eyes did appear but a BBC article link!
Upon following it I discovered that this story was indeed lol-worthy as had been indicated.
A rather dedicated but less-than-thorough customs official at Japan’s Narita airport hid a 142 gram baggie of weed into the side pocket of a traveller’s suitcase. The goal was to test the sniffer dogs in a real-life training exercise.
The dogs, however, failed their exercise by not detecting the baggie at all. To make matters worse, the official who hid the 142 gram (that’s 5 ounces for those not familiar with metric) bag couldn’t remember in which suitcase he’d hidden the weed!
That’s right, some lucky schmuck walked out of Narita airport with 5 ounces of free marijuana! Awesome right? Not really, when you consider Japan has rather strict laws against possession which could net this traveller a prison sentence. Officials admitted their mistake and are encouraging the person who got the baggie to come forward in order to avoid unnecessary legal troubles.
In my search for more specifics about the laws, I came across a really interesting history of cannabis, beginning with its place in the ancient world. Which is admittedly far more entertaining than the original BBC story I mentioned. After discussing the knowledge - or lack thereof - by the Greeks, and the ancient Japanese and Indians, it moves on to an entire passage on the history of cannabis in the Arab world.
One of the most fascinating ways to explore the ancient world, I think, is to track a substance or supply through the ages. It brings to light ancient trade routes, how information was shared, which cultures were accepting of new things and which closed themselves off. Following marijuana in such a way is a two fold path. On the one hand you get to see which cultures adapted the plant for use as hemp fibers, and how as a valuable supply the plant travelled the world. You also get to track its history when grown and used as a psychoactive substance, and the attitudes of the cultures which were aware of those properties.
All of that and much, much more at druglibrary.org. If you’re someone who visits Erowid frequently for reference on drug-related matters, I might suggest adding this to your repertoire also.
While the Flickr link and image will undoubtedly automatically post here, I wanted to make sure that the full, original 1400 x 900 version of the image was also readily available. Enjoy!
Chapter 1, passage 3: Every man and every woman is a star.
Because I love you all so dearly, gentle readers, I have put together another mixwit tape for your enjoyment. In this installement I share with you a variety of delightful mashups. What is a mashup, you may ask? Something akin to a remix, but in this case more focused on taking two (sometimes more) songs and melding them together in such a way that you’d never want to hear them any other way. Generally speaking, this mix is intended to at least get you chair dancing, if not full out dancing your ass off. Three from A plus D, three from Instamatic, three from DJ Lobsterdust.
A plus D - Love Will Tear You Apart (She Wants Revenge vs. Joy Division vs. Bauhaus)
Not much to say about this one. Consider it an appetizer for what A plus D has to offer.
A plus D - Sexy Peek-A-Boo (I’m Bringing Siouxsie Back) Justin Timberlake vs. Siouxie & The Banshees
Ordinarily I’d have nothing to do with Justin Timberlake. I really don’t go in for “pop” music. This changes things a lot. Trust me. Also, accordian.
A plus D - Don’t Stop Believin’ In Planet Rock (Journey vs. Afrika Bambaataa)
Journey never had so much funk. Nor did they expect to have it. Yet… it feels so right.
Instamatic - Crazy Marvin (Gnarls Barkley vs. Marvin Gaye)
That song you couldn’t get away from meets a soul master for a refreshing look at both.
Instamatic - Electric Loop (Judas Priest vs. Pendulum)
Chosen mostly for the liberal Willy Wonka (original film thankyouverymuch) sampling, in all honesty. Fast-paced and fun.
Instamatic - Ghetto Tits 2006 (Benassi mix of Outkast vs. Peaches vs. Scissor Sisters)
This is mostly Peaches, and therefore has liberal use of various sexually charged terms some folks consider foul. NSFW I guess. Probably my fav of the Instamatic remixes.
When they call this an allstar jam they aren’t at all kidding. This is my favorite mashup of all time. Just listen. The transitions are masterful, the songs flow like an undeniable force of nature, and I pretty much guarantee you’ll smile at least a little.
DJ Lobsterdust - RightNowRightNow (Beastie Boys - Love Psychedelico)
I think if the Beastie Boys had met Hot Chip, or hung out with the guys hacking their C64 to make chip tunes they might have made something like this on their own.
DJ Lobsterdust - Glass Octopus (The Beatles vs. Blondie)
This may be the most approachable mashup for people who don’t really care for hip hop or techno or dance-oriented music. It’s Blondie’s Heart of Glass mixed with The Beatles’ Octopus’s Garden in a really fun, natural way. Still got a great beat for those who do enjoy a good excuse to dance.
That’s all for now! I hope you have as much fun with this as I have!
Image on the tape is art from P. Robertson’s Kings of Power 4 Billion %. Download it. Watch it. He’s great.
As you may have noticed, with the advent of automatic updates via Twitter and del.icio.us, yours truly has gotten rather lazy about posting things that you, gentle reader, would find interesting, delightful, or thought-provoking.
This upsets me possibly more than it upsets you, because after all no one likes to feel like they’re shirking their most important duties. The particularly astute may notice that I have taken the author count on the side bar from 4 down to 1.
I feel as though I will be much less inclined to badger my friends into producing material for this website if I do not count them as “authors”. In my mind, an author on this blog should be committed to posting something original at least once per week, if not more often. I barely make this quota myself at times, and would by no means wish to start imposing it on others. Therefore I have decided that they are welcome to contribute at any time, but will only have the burden of being considered an author should they desire it.
That said, I am looking for a few good creatures who can type, who would like to contribute or be a full-fledged author. It’s not a job, I cannot pay anyone for writing here, not even myself. It is purely voluntary. As you may have noticed there really isn’t much of a theme going here. Pretty much any subject goes. Those highly prone to inflammatory remarks, spamming, and being generally hateful need not apply. We here (and I guess at this point it’s the royal “we”) at RKNet are fans of chaos, but not of wantonly pissing off others for no particular reason. What say you, any takers?
In this mix, for your listening pleasure, I thought I’d slow things down, and stretch things out a little. Kind of get you all in the mood for some late night philosophy and spooning. I’m too cheap to ply all of you with booze so I thought I’d make you a mix tape, kind of give you a little something to ruminate on before I discuss the merits of an open view of love in this century and bum drinks off you all night. Hope that’s cool, ’cause we’re totally friends right broham?
Anyway, the background image for this tape is Sisters G from Gatochy’s flickr stream. I can think of no nicer image to go with the theme of “everything is better in pairs”. Except for maybe some extra-adorable mittens, but it’s Spring now and no more of THAT! Anyway, for the sake of not writing all over the lovely ladies’ faces, I just titled the tape “Pairs”.
Pairs are exactly what you’ll get on this tape. Let’s explore the contents, shall we?
Jesus and Mary Chain - April Skies
I listened to this song the other day on the way to work and it improved my mood like nothing else could at that very moment. Music to soothe the savage neurotic.
Jesus and Mary Chain - Darklands
The second J&MC track is one of my favorites. “I wanna move, I wanna go, oh I wanna go, do-do-de-do-do-doo…”
I went with one I’m unfamiliar with, to avoid the folly of ignoring deep tracks. It’s got a bit of a Velvet Underground feel. Check the pedigree though!
Jonathan Richman - Satisfied Mind
I chose this track because it’s a classic (1955 by Porter Wagoner), and Richman’s treatment of it is a great introduction to his style.
Jonathan Richman - Springtime in New York
Truth be told, all I can think of when I read this is Stephen King’s The Wastelands. It’s all those dreams about NYC they have.
From the sounds of this song, you can see where he fits with Richman and Donovan. Rich metaphor paired with a bare-hearted, literal approach combine for maximum enjoyment.
Rounding out this mix is Jeff with the rest of his usual band, Wilco, in a tune off of Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. The opening violin reminds me of Yoshi’s Island.
I hope you all enjoy this! What are some of your favorite pairs of songs?
Some kids play in the sandbox. We play in the.... litterbox??? The RKNet staff is pleased that you decided to stop by. Currently this is a multi-author project, with a rotating cast of totally kooky characters. Contact giania [at symbol] gmail [dot] com if you'd like to play here too.
. He formed this band in late 60s, early 70s near Boston, Massachusetts. 
