“Now drugged, and wielding a camera tripod, Blacky begins to charge…””
Last night, while flipping through the channels, my roommates and I came across an exceedingly misleading show entitled “Untamed and Uncut: Goose Attack.” Naturally, we were sold. The boys and I exchanged solemn nods. “Let’s do it.””Would it be weird to watch porn with my roommates? Such, apparently, specific porn? Don’t care. Maybe you missed the title…it contains the words “Goose Attack.” With visions of rampaging men and their equally rampaging and, well, uncut mansticks (too far?) goosing chicks (with, I like to think, perforated wooden paddles), I eagerly clicked “select.”
Well, “Untamed and Uncut: Goose Attack” was not a porn… I suppose I should have guessed. In fact, it was on Animal Planet, though incidentally, the description of the show straight from animalplanet.com is as follows:
Gritty, shocking, compelling, *and always raw*, each half-hour episode takes viewers on a journey around the world to meet the people who’s lives are forever changed by a moment in time with an animal.
I wish I could tell you I made that up.
No, “Untamed and Uncut” wasn’t porn. And it didn’t even feature animal sex (foiled again.) What it was, though, was one of those “when animals attack” type deals. And, just what was the series-documentary covering today? A rampaging bastard (named Blacky, oddly enough) looking something like this:
Dude, Blacky was a Beast; almost the size of an elephant! Motherfucker was raging his way through a little town in Thailand- tipping over motorcycles, throwing trashcans like fucking Donkey Kong and just generally charging around, terrorizing tourists, for three hours… Three Hours! At one point (after poor Blacky had been shot with a tranquilizer dart) the announcer actually said, “Now drugged, and wielding a camera tripod, Blacky begins to charge…” This show rules!
If you’re wondering what the deal with the “Goose Attack” portion of the show was all about… well, a goose attacks a fisherman and his dog. I’d actually seen it before and to this day it gives me visions of being mauled to death by legions of loons every time I go kayaking. Speedy fuckers.
For reference, film evidence of various persons being assaulted by large birds.
Whether or not you feel that you’ve just wasted four minutes of your life reading about my (decidedly satisfactory, though misguided) attempt to catch some silly porn action, I highly recommend you start watching this “series-documentary.” It’s got all the elements of a good “when animals attack” show: gratuitous violence, badly generated computer animation (though the website claims to offer “ground-breaking computer graphic imaging,”) stupid commentators and an obtuse morbidity that’s just damn funny (later in the show, someone says, “I was just waiting for that sickening sound of Stan’s flesh being chopped up by those propellers…”) If that doesn’t sell you, I don’t know what will…
Now here is a bit I haven’t done in quite some time! The Words To Know series had all but died. Tonight I feel like shaking the dust off, brushing away the cobwebs, and putting WTK to work once more. I’ve decided to go easy on the old girl, by featuring two terms, and peppering the descriptions with other delightful terms to incorporate into your vernacular. On we go!
Our first featured term is: Adroit - This is a handy way to turn a shocked and braindead exclamation of “Whoa! Skills!” into a pithybon mot. For example, when watching Sonny Chiba in the film The Street Fighter, one might be able to say something like “That was the most adroit instance of someone’s testicles being pulled off I think I’ve ever witnessed!” Not-work-safe clip below for those who may not have had the good fortune to see the whole film. (Which, by the way, I strongly recomend to anyone.)
Our second word for the day is: Obstreperous. Obstreperous is a fantastic word to use to describe someone’s putrescent offspring who have decided that it would be a fantastic time to start various types of boisterous carrying on (running, yelling, messing with others’ belongings, etc.) when you have just been sealed onto a several-hour flight. It certainly passes over in polite conversation a lot more readily than simply turning to your seat mate to comment that the plane’s younger passengers are in fact “little fucking assholes” who should, in fact, have a rigorous application of chloroform applied to them posthaste. To make such a comment could be considered maladroit - the opposite of our first featured word - due to its utter lack of tact. The child pictured below, though adorable, may be one of these children whom the label of “obstreperous” applies.
Or perhaps these three might be more prone to various hijinks.
Hope you enjoyed this edition of WTK as much as I did! (If you did, won’t you show some comment love?)
Because I love you all so dearly, gentle readers, I have put together another mixwit tape for your enjoyment. In this installement I share with you a variety of delightful mashups. What is a mashup, you may ask? Something akin to a remix, but in this case more focused on taking two (sometimes more) songs and melding them together in such a way that you’d never want to hear them any other way. Generally speaking, this mix is intended to at least get you chair dancing, if not full out dancing your ass off. Three from A plus D, three from Instamatic, three from DJ Lobsterdust.
A plus D - Love Will Tear You Apart (She Wants Revenge vs. Joy Division vs. Bauhaus)
Not much to say about this one. Consider it an appetizer for what A plus D has to offer.
A plus D - Sexy Peek-A-Boo (I’m Bringing Siouxsie Back) Justin Timberlake vs. Siouxie & The Banshees
Ordinarily I’d have nothing to do with Justin Timberlake. I really don’t go in for “pop” music. This changes things a lot. Trust me. Also, accordian.
A plus D - Don’t Stop Believin’ In Planet Rock (Journey vs. Afrika Bambaataa)
Journey never had so much funk. Nor did they expect to have it. Yet… it feels so right.
Instamatic - Crazy Marvin (Gnarls Barkley vs. Marvin Gaye)
That song you couldn’t get away from meets a soul master for a refreshing look at both.
Instamatic - Electric Loop (Judas Priest vs. Pendulum)
Chosen mostly for the liberal Willy Wonka (original film thankyouverymuch) sampling, in all honesty. Fast-paced and fun.
Instamatic - Ghetto Tits 2006 (Benassi mix of Outkast vs. Peaches vs. Scissor Sisters)
This is mostly Peaches, and therefore has liberal use of various sexually charged terms some folks consider foul. NSFW I guess. Probably my fav of the Instamatic remixes.
When they call this an allstar jam they aren’t at all kidding. This is my favorite mashup of all time. Just listen. The transitions are masterful, the songs flow like an undeniable force of nature, and I pretty much guarantee you’ll smile at least a little.
DJ Lobsterdust - RightNowRightNow (Beastie Boys - Love Psychedelico)
I think if the Beastie Boys had met Hot Chip, or hung out with the guys hacking their C64 to make chip tunes they might have made something like this on their own.
DJ Lobsterdust - Glass Octopus (The Beatles vs. Blondie)
This may be the most approachable mashup for people who don’t really care for hip hop or techno or dance-oriented music. It’s Blondie’s Heart of Glass mixed with The Beatles’ Octopus’s Garden in a really fun, natural way. Still got a great beat for those who do enjoy a good excuse to dance.
That’s all for now! I hope you have as much fun with this as I have!
Image on the tape is art from P. Robertson’s Kings of Power 4 Billion %. Download it. Watch it. He’s great.
Last night and well into today has been a flight of extreme fantasy, not all of which was enjoyable, but all of which has left me thinking. Unfortunately I’ve waited too long to write this all down, so some details will inevitably be lost in the rapid cognition thought-shuffling of daily life.
At some point, I woke up and said “Ok, that’s it, no more Howlings before bedtime.” The series of dreams felt like a test. Felt like a warning as well. A test of my mental strength and a warning not to meddle carelessly in affairs which are far larger and more powerful than I have previously taken them to be. It’s true, all throughout the documentary by Poke Runyon, discussing the methods by which they employed the Goetic techniques to summon, and to scry, I (drunkenly) scoffed at the notion of some of the scraping and bowing, and alternately at the idea of binding and domineering these unseen spiritual forces. (It should be noted that while the Goetia is amply available[pdf], I have yet to read the work itself.) While reading Howlings, likewise I took a skeptical attitude towards some of the methodology, considering it to be somewhat overcautious and paranoid. Some have argued that the Goetic (among other) spirits are sovereign beings, and some have argued that these works are exercises in confronting one’s own inner labyrinth. (Think highly aware self-hypnosis and play acting as a form of therapy or mental/spiritual growth, if you will.) Either way, those that have studied these things have preached caution, and some have issued threatening warnings regarding the dangers of treating these things lightly and carelessly.
I have always been a skeptic of sorts, and perhaps a bit overeager and zealous when it comes to the thought of finding proofs to these claims and methods. Last night’s dreams felt like a deeply detailed experience designed to caution me against doing or saying things which may ultimately land me into very hot water.
Yet I digress, these dream logs aren’t intended for me to get into the whys and the wherefores, but to chronicle the dreams themselves for future reference and entertaining reading. Read the rest of this entry »
The man was busily filling out forms. he had to complete two of them and fax them back to headquarters or he wouldn’t get a lick of benefits. The first one done he slammed the number into the keypad and fed the forms, all at once (beige, pink and blue, as each had to be in triplicate, naturally) through the vertical fax slot next to the pad.
Frowning his way through the second set of forms he looked up through the clear door to his left to see someone behind a desk saying something about preparing for landing. Indeed, gravity felt a little bit off and there was that sickening feeling of his internal organs shifting, like going downhill on a bike really fast.
Not much time then. Some other vague announcement, and as he was feeding the second set of forms, it was announced that landing was nearly completed, and only a select few were going to be let off. The rest were to be left behind on the ship.
NO! was the first and only frantic thought that ran through his mind as the door to his empty holding area whooshed open. Apparently there was to be free run of the ship, even if they weren’t going to be let off. Surely there was a solution here, a way out. Either way, there would be limited resources and securing a position without… hurting someone would be challenging unless it was done soon. No time to consider the inevitable, really.
Scurrying about proved useless. The place was as vague his forms and featureless as his containment area.
A panel opened up to the right. What is this?! A face appeared and disappeared from this opening quickly enough to cause some serious consternation regarding an early departure of sanity. Not a good sign, the only thing to be done was investigate, obviously.
The underbelly had ostensibly more to offer, although that really wasn’t saying much. Pipes and grey corridors, some blinking lights. Not much of a shift from the clean powder blue, spotless glass, and white ceilings. It was a start, nevertheless.
…….
and that’s the last I remember.
There were other dreams about plane rides, some things involving cephalopods that it’s apparently better not to share, uhm, and some other stuff I don’t really remember.
I was standing outside in the back parking lot of my apartment building with some people, talking about I don’t even remember what. It was night time approaching early morning and rather cloudy. All of a sudden there was a noise in the air like dozens of planes. Flood lights popped on to periodically illuminate green (like the old copper on Lady Liberty) planes of a sort I don’t even suspect could really fly. Rather than having a wing perpendicular to the body, or two as with a bi-plane, there was one wing suspended away from the body in a parallel that extended slightly beyond the body of the plane on all sides. While I was busy being confused-bordering-on-fearful about it all, one of the planes swooped low and banked hard over our building once or twice before dropping a bomb that rocked the very air around. Everyone outside was knocked down, including myself, but I looked up to discover the damage was mostly to the third floor, but there was a fire. I pushed myself off the ground in a rush. I nearly went right back down to the ground from the immediate dizzy spell, so I half-ran and half-crawled to the badk door, struggling to get the key in the sticky lock and charge up the stairs. The next thing I remembered I was waking up next to my beau. It was early in the morning, the apartment was a mess, and it took me a moment to realize what had happened. I’d gotten to the apartment and passed right out. Why he was there, seemingly undisturbed, I don’t know. I can’t remember if I woke up on the floor or in bed. At this point, a frantic search for the people outside occured, turning up everyone who had been there, plus extra. Rushing up the stairs, the damage was awful but no fire was raging. Heading back down to the lot showed everyone was either up or getting up. There was some outside source who didn’t believe in the bombing, at which I nearly lost it. The planes had been there! Everyone else saw it, too! It was a short lived argument for whatever reason, and next I was looking to help one of my neighbors who was mysteriously also one of my co-workers. He’d lost a lot in the explosion and I was going to offer to store some of his stuff while he tried to rebuild/relocate. The beau wasn’t too happy about that and was probably less happy when neighbor/co-worker started making up the couch as if to stay there.
Before, during, or after all that, I was somewhere public with a little watch on a chain attached to my collar. Just a little clip on thing, and it also had a pink teddy bear charm. I found out during the course of the speech I was listening to that there was a culture of dominance and subserviance which relied on such indicators to show who was who. Sure enough I look across the room just in time to spot the short haired girl with the animal collar riddled with charms just like my little pink bear. I didn’t get my watch out of sight fast enough and she came over to me. Subserviant though she was, she was clearly a leader in her circle. I tried to explain that I didn’t know, and it was a mistake. The girl only smiled at me knowingly and proceeded to evaluate the quality of the bauble hanging from my shirt collar (or did I have on an animal collar as well…). I remember a couple arguments between some same sex couples where I hyperfocused on their faces, as well as the start of another event/scene/thing, but not clearly enough to make the transition.
that’s all.
I use a few Linux distros at home and at work, and being a half-baked nincompoop, I prefer the shiny new ones that end in “buntu”. The 64-bit version of Kubuntu is what I run at the office, and I have installed my preferred web-browsing application, Firefox 1.5.x, with my favorite themes, and a ton of useful extensions, most of which I need for work.
Among these extensions, there is a slick little application called Sage. This is an RSS reader embedded into Firefox, which is almost unspeakably convenient. I am expected to do research at least some of the time because my job demands it. Therefore, I am subscribed to numerous feeds, some authored by unabashed marketroids in Manhattan, others by squirrelly black-leather-jacket types in exotic places like Prague.
Every once in a great while, the workload becomes, um, constipated. Don’t get me wrong, there’s never a shortage of things to do around the place, but lately we tend to hyperfocus on a few high-priority items at a time - as opposed to taking a more holistic view (as in “HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE HAVE SO MUCH TO DO HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS GIMME A CIGARETTE YOU PEEEN-ARSE YES I KNOW I DON’T SMOKE” etc). It might be perceived as inefficiency but our deliberately selective awareness of imminent doom allows us to actually get things done without the embarrassment of pissing our collective pants in abject terror after suffering massive aneurysms.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Slow day at work. Reason: we have a balky cms built in deprecated php. The code is liberally commented in at least one Central European language, but aside from that, documentation is scant. This cms has the quirky habit of eating posts according to some fiendish glitch. Programmatic functionalities combine with traditional meatbag error and really weird things happen to our precious data. We would like to begin serious repair of the website but there is no way to do this, at this time, without using this cms. (By the way, if you want to know what using our cms is like, imagine if Franz Kafka wrote Catch-22).
So, we must wire Switzerland and tell them to put their finest gnomes to work. By tomorrow, we expect these gnomes to be busily engaged in pulling meaningless strings of ones and zeroes from the mysterious innards of the database and weaving them into more or less normal html.
In the meantime, there’s various personal crises and dramas to fill the available time. All this stuff, on top of a two-long-island-iced-tea lunch and a nasty sugar crash caused by socially mandatory birthday cake, makes me stupidly susceptible to opening up the feedreader and clicking links. As a result I am now fully briefed on a variety of current events in the nerd universe.
First, let’s start off with what we already know. At 9pm EST yesterday, instead of deleting forum spam like a good boy, I was glued to my monitor, drinking a beer and watching as Digg rioted. This was absolutely fascinating. I’ve tried to spam Digg a few times so I know what kind of raw power was needed to unleash something like that, and believe me, the power level over there was waaaaaaaaaaay over nine thousand. A few places like the nefarious Forbes.com (more on those assholes later) were Diggbaiting this story earlier today (reposting a similar story at their own url in an attempt to attract backlinks), and earning upwards of 1000+ diggs. If I was into AdSense arbitrage I would have done the same thing. Digg is famous for funneling huge traffic to popular pages, enough traffic to crush a server. Some of those visitors will click an ad or two. Wash, rinse, repeat - voila! There’s your business model.
What was most interesting was Kevin Rose’s attitude. I was really impressed that he decided to side with the majority of Digg users. Unfortunately this flies in the face of all business sense (wherein you are supposed to avoid getting sued and do nothing except increase shareholder value, regardless of the collateral damage). In the more profit-minded areas of the intarwebs he has been damn near vilified, not so much for taking a stand, but the manner in which he took it. However, this issue involves more than just money. This is a matter of ethics. The future is at stake here, and rather than defer to the corporate interests involved, Kevin Rose did what was right. We won’t know the outcome for a while, but a line has been drawn in the sand, and a million computer enthusiasts are loudly saying with one voice “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”
But, I’m beating a dead horse with all this Digg stuff. We all know about that shit. What I am really interested in is space.
I am grouchy and tired. I think I got whatever vile sickness has turned the ambient noise in my office into Sounds from the TB Ward Vol. #1: Probably Going to Die Edition. Joy of joys.
I found out today that I’m too stupid to do ASCII art. Not even creating it, I’m talking just copy/pasting it. So, in a childish fit of pure idiocy, I have decided that ASCII is stupid and I hate it. That will probably change as soon as I’ve had a nap.
At least I’m pretty good at pasting links.
Today’s been sort of a waste overall.
Also:
3:29:14 PM) XXX: have you ever seen a kiwi bird?
(3:29:20 PM) Giania Lilan: they’re funny looking
(3:29:25 PM) XXX: I need to get one
(3:30:10 PM) Giania Lilan: why?
(3:30:17 PM) XXX: they are the best goddamn wingless things alive, thats why
(3:31:20 PM) Giania Lilan: there are a lot of things without wings
(3:31:31 PM) XXX: yeah, but this is clasified as a bird
(3:32:02 PM) Giania Lilan: well you just said “things” not birds
(3:32:24 PM) XXX: well, you have to forgive me, I took vicadin today. I’m a little tired
(3:32:33 PM) Giania Lilan: :( I want vicodin
(3:32:46 PM) XXX: is that how to spell it?
(3:32:53 PM) Giania Lilan: yes I believe so
(3:33:04 PM) Giania Lilan: hard to say, with all the spam variations
(3:33:14 PM) XXX: to true
(3:33:14 PM) Giania Lilan: Everybody’s trying to sell me the stuff but no one knows how to spell it
(3:33:20 PM) XXX: haha
(3:33:48 PM) XXX: by some penis enhancing cream, its called “Gratee Rood Bod”
(3:34:24 PM) Giania Lilan: don’t forget the fighter plane stock emails… TORA! TORA! TORA!
(3:34:30 PM) XXX: hahaha
(3:34:50 PM) Giania Lilan: See also: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0066473/
(3:36:45 PM) XXX: jesus, its a real movie
(3:36:52 PM) Giania Lilan: oh yeah
(3:37:04 PM) Giania Lilan: I wouldn’t lie about that shit
(3:37:08 PM) Giania Lilan: I should rent that
(3:37:37 PM) XXX: what are you gunna be on when you watch it?
(3:37:50 PM) Giania Lilan: eh, whatever I got
(3:37:59 PM) XXX: nice, not to picky
(3:38:00 PM) Giania Lilan: Probably either nothing, or just drunk
And one more thing, a horrible california travel site: http://www.californiatraveldreams.com/CaliforniaGardenTours.htm
Thanks to the magic of RSS, and the writings of Wired’s copy chief, Tony Long (aka The Luddite), I’ve discovered a major media political analyst whose statements I actually find worthwhile during this time of discussion on the events of September 11th 2001.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6210240/
Keith Olbermann, of MSNBC news of all places, has a few articles up right now that really impressed me. I tend to dodge the news, as it’s typically rather depressing, highly skewed in ways I have to question, and generally not useful. While these articles are undoubtedly skewed, they are skewed with the air of human opinion, instead of reeking of propaganda. While these are depressing, they are also hopeful, because they’re written with the idea that Americans are not the sheep we’re being made out to be. The usefulness is dependant wholly upon the impact and reach of the article. It reached me, and I’m spreading it. The impact on me was immediate and profound.
A lot of people have been writing about the anniversary of the destruction of the World Trade Center, part of the Pentagon, and the planes which were destroyed during this series of attacks. Mostly, where they were on the day. I know right where I was. I can’t forget, it was a huge event that no one in America could realistically avoid.
In the article “This hole in the ground”, Olbermann addresses not so much the event but the national progress since then. In our dedication to the adage-nouveau “Never Forget” some of us - a lot of us - have elected to focus solely on the event. Which is understandable to a degree, it was horrific, it hurt a lot of people directly and indirectly. The circles of effect that radiate out from that series of assaults runs far and fierce, there’s no question there. However, the history of what has occured as a result of these particular incidents is just as important to address - if not more so - than the original events themselves. I recommend reading beyond that particular article as well; it illustrates my point better than I probably could myself.
Where are we going?
What are we doing?
Who is driving?
What do they want?
What do WE want?
Who among us will stand/are standing for the desires of the majority?
What is accomplished by fear?
Some kids play in the sandbox. We play in the.... litterbox??? The RKNet staff is pleased that you decided to stop by. Currently this is a 1 author project, with periodic guest posts. Contact giania [at symbol] gmail.com if you'd like to play here to.
