“Now drugged, and wielding a camera tripod, Blacky begins to charge…””
Last night, while flipping through the channels, my roommates and I came across an exceedingly misleading show entitled “Untamed and Uncut: Goose Attack.” Naturally, we were sold. The boys and I exchanged solemn nods. “Let’s do it.””Would it be weird to watch porn with my roommates? Such, apparently, specific porn? Don’t care. Maybe you missed the title…it contains the words “Goose Attack.” With visions of rampaging men and their equally rampaging and, well, uncut mansticks (too far?) goosing chicks (with, I like to think, perforated wooden paddles), I eagerly clicked “select.”
Well, “Untamed and Uncut: Goose Attack” was not a porn… I suppose I should have guessed. In fact, it was on Animal Planet, though incidentally, the description of the show straight from animalplanet.com is as follows:
Gritty, shocking, compelling, *and always raw*, each half-hour episode takes viewers on a journey around the world to meet the people who’s lives are forever changed by a moment in time with an animal.
I wish I could tell you I made that up.
No, “Untamed and Uncut” wasn’t porn. And it didn’t even feature animal sex (foiled again.) What it was, though, was one of those “when animals attack” type deals. And, just what was the series-documentary covering today? A rampaging bastard (named Blacky, oddly enough) looking something like this:
Dude, Blacky was a Beast; almost the size of an elephant! Motherfucker was raging his way through a little town in Thailand- tipping over motorcycles, throwing trashcans like fucking Donkey Kong and just generally charging around, terrorizing tourists, for three hours… Three Hours! At one point (after poor Blacky had been shot with a tranquilizer dart) the announcer actually said, “Now drugged, and wielding a camera tripod, Blacky begins to charge…” This show rules!
If you’re wondering what the deal with the “Goose Attack” portion of the show was all about… well, a goose attacks a fisherman and his dog. I’d actually seen it before and to this day it gives me visions of being mauled to death by legions of loons every time I go kayaking. Speedy fuckers.
For reference, film evidence of various persons being assaulted by large birds.
Whether or not you feel that you’ve just wasted four minutes of your life reading about my (decidedly satisfactory, though misguided) attempt to catch some silly porn action, I highly recommend you start watching this “series-documentary.” It’s got all the elements of a good “when animals attack” show: gratuitous violence, badly generated computer animation (though the website claims to offer “ground-breaking computer graphic imaging,”) stupid commentators and an obtuse morbidity that’s just damn funny (later in the show, someone says, “I was just waiting for that sickening sound of Stan’s flesh being chopped up by those propellers…”) If that doesn’t sell you, I don’t know what will…
Looks can be very tricksome indeed. Take this juicy hentai clip below. At least, that’s what it looks like, right? I assure you, it’s actually quite innocuous, and rather laughable. (And I also promise it’s not a rickroll. You have my word.)
There are a lot of clips like this on youtube, and a few that are genuinely somewhat perverted. There are also a lot of annoying edits with flashing and sped up music and general obnoxiousness. Poke around for a little while some time (when you aren’t at work, just to be safe). Some of these “hentai” clips might actually be funny enough to watch.
Well, once the subject of “what’s a girl to do when there’s no sit-down toilet services available?” was broached, someone was kind enough to mention a similar invention they’d heard of in years past.
Now maybe it won’t let you pee off the side of a boat as perfectly as a twelve inch golden dong, but at least I won’t have to worry about urine in my purse afterward. For purchase of the P-mate in the US, please see their US-based order-and-info site.
While The Show (with Ze Frank) has been officially over for some time now, Ze Frank has come out of the woodwork since the Writers’ Strike began to give the writers a few words of encouragement, and provide some of his glorious info-tainment regarding the situation with Pakistan to the presumed-to-be-unwashed masses of the internet.
I for one could do a jig about the situation - Ze Frank’s brief return, not Pakistan - but regrettably I’ve never been much of a dancer.
Who loves the little duckies in the pond? Oh-ho-ho. You bet your ass that I do!
I wanted to embed all 3 Ze Frank Redux (heh heh, “dux”) videos, but all I got was this lousy tee shirt. I mean, post link.
Good idea:
A device that allows folks with female sex organs to pee standing up.
Bad idea:
Fashioning said device to look something akin to a giant golden dildo.
It’s certainly a device that’s an invention of necessity. Yet I fail to see the need for it to be - as the site describes it - 12 inches long, and golden. And as it’s stated on the site “The Ebony model is due out soon. It will be significantly larger than the gold model, come with wheels and is…priceless.”
I’m absolutely positive that concept of this device could be executed with a LOT more discretion. I can’t picture wasting that much space in a hiking or camping pack, much less a purse with something that huge. A plastic funnel would probably serve the same purpose, at that.
Plus, I’d bet a nickel they’ve done SOME kind of keyword research, too. On the “Blog On” page, I couldn’t help but notice the sub-header stating: “The Shenis fits all designer vaginas”. The designer vagina issue seems to be coming up a lot more lately, probably due to changes in surgical proceedures and promotion. (I distinctly recall complaining about the very idea, in fact.) They could probably do more to optimize for that particular keyword, but I find it’s placement and presence in general to be highly suspect.
Conclusion: This is a pure novelty item and I’m not terribly impressed, to be honest. Campers, hikers, and road-trip travelling ladies, just make sure you have a plastic funnel (or good directions). You’ll be fine. Don’t throw money at this silly attempt to provoke in the name of convenience.
This has to be one of the least intelligent surgical developments I have heard in quite a long time. It’s just another item in a long line of things subtly encouraging people to assume that sex has nothing to do with personal happiness and everything to do with how one’s sexuality will be judged by others. Barring any actual deformities, such as those caused by functionally limiting accidents or birth defects, I can see absolutely no reason for this procedure. Anyone who encourages this be performed on healthy women is - to say the least - very disappointingly short-sighted.
As a part of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, sex ranks directly with food, sleep, and breathing as one of the most important needs for a human being. I myself am in agreement with that sentiment.
Esteem? That which would make one desire a purely cosmetic change in the first place is a much smaller piece of the pyramid. Rightfully so, as the interactivity one elects to have with other humans is as optional as this “designer vagina” surgery. I can’t really picture a scenario in which the likeness of my pubic area to that of one seen in a magazine or film would really be that important. Even for those in the habit of posing for said magazine photographs, there is indeed photoshop and other such techniques which would prevent the necessity of voluntary genital mutilation.
Ladies, the next time you start to feel insecure about the appearace of your genitalia, just remember: “Who really has any business giving a shit besides me?”
O Gentle Readers, I would be truly remiss if I did not make it a point to express my elation and sorrow. Sorrow for the loss of Table of Malcontents, and elation that when ToM was slain a glorious monstrosity arose from its fetid corpse to continue to disseminate only the finest cthuloid steampunk propaganda porn available, among other gruesome oddities and fascinating delights.
Be sure to stop by Ectoplasmosis (or “ectomo” for short) and tell them I sent you. ;)
If you’re interested in contributing, they have a twitter account which you can “at” message to send links of interest. (i.e. @ectomo russian steampunk explorer vessel art http://urltea.com/blablablabla)
Help with the layout would also be welcome, as they’re wriggling deparately inside their first carapace, begging to molt into the glorious octobee they know they’re capable of being.
was kind enough and clever enough to take some important legislative news in regards to music, internet radio, broadcast radio, and everybody's favorite group: the RIAA, and break it all down for We T.
On March 2, 2007, The CRB approved royalty rates that will bury any small webcaster, and create a heavy burden even for big broadcasters like Yahoo, AOL Music and Pandora. How high will these rates be? Around 100% of a small webcasters revenue, give or take a few points, in most cases. What?! That's impossible to pay! Yep, it sure is…
- source: Help Internet Radio Avoid Extinction (reposted)
I believe that's what you call “serious business”. He's provided several links to more news and resources on how you can learn more and how you can attempt to battle Bureaucratic Bullshit on Bureaucratic Bullshit's terms. I wish everone good luck with that, by the way. I will almost certainly throw in my two cents to people who are supposedly elected to serve We The People.
Some kids play in the sandbox. We play in the.... litterbox??? The RKNet staff is pleased that you decided to stop by. Currently this is a 1 author project, with periodic guest posts. Contact giania [at symbol] gmail.com if you'd like to play here to.
