Being, in suitable Measure, a humble Broadside in the Baroque Fashion, the Aim, inasmuch as mere Persons be possessed of a Will to divine Truths, and these Truths doth shew the Purpose and Designes of such a benevolent Creator, who, though a Deity endowed with Caprice, hath made Humankind in His Image, and there-by disencumb’red His Creation of a notably oppressive Weight; that is to say, the tragic Burden of Ignorance, and there-by shewed to mortal Persons, (not much unlike thy humble Scrivener, may it please the Reader), the Whys and Hows of this World; including forthwith certain Understandings of Natural Philosophy, which, through the Mercy (and possibly Oversight) of the Lord our God, divers Peoples, (both antiently and contemporaneous with our Modern Times and Days), hath educated their Selves by way of divers Disciplines and Reasonings, these being demonstrably unattainable by the lower Orders of Beastes, by Which is implied, but not to these Specimens limited, nor specifickally iterated, as the common Aurochs, the fearsome River-Horse of Africa, divers Sheepes, or Rattes, &c., &c., and seeing thusly, (if my Esteemed Reader permit me such Embellisshment) that the Milk of human Reason is accordingly, through a veritable and ostensible (though mysterious) Trans-Substantiation, congeal’d there-by into the Cheese of Civilization, by the Means and Devices previously elucidated, by Nature founding a mighty Precedent, by which Learned Persons may discourse, on the very Nature of the Thinge at Hand; to wit, a golden Shafte, the approximatte Breadth and Girth of a Man’s Rod (this being, an Euphemisme, much in Fashion, of Late employ’d in the Description or Ridicule of a Man’s generative Organ), assumedly Hollow’d, and carried by certaine fashionable Ladies of High Breeding, who, being some-what Inured to the Censure of the Mobb, may carrie about their Personages, for Use in conducting a fresh Jet of liquid Urine, from a Lady’s divine Holiest of Holies, to any number of Targets, Destinations, or Bodies of Water intended for Same, a Device or Engine known to the Vulgar as the “Shenis“.
Argument:
Previous Writings hath taken scant Account for the Merits of said Innovation, having elected to lambaste and be-labor the Shenis with some Scorn not entirely undeserv’d, and so discount the great Benefites, which can be enumerated at some length by thinking Persons.
These Criticisms, though frivolous in the Eyes of this humble Author, bear some Merit in their Repetition;
- The Shenis, following Use, in the Manner above described, contains various and sundry bodily Humors and Fluides which, if not cleansed with Water, Acqua Fortis, or Vitriol, may linger with-in the golden Shafte, (and also the Receptacle designated for Catchment); and certain Doctores of Physick, Natural Philosophers, Churchmen, Charlatans, Apothecaries, Wise-Women, Bone-setters, Seers, Wizardes, and Herbalists happen to advance the Radickal Claim that, as accumulated Detritus of this Nature may breed Swarmes of divers Diseases and Discomforts, including Locust-Crotch, Ague, and The Itch, so close Handling of a Shafte long Impregnated with Effluvia may confer said Ailments on the noble Bearer Herself, much to the Dismay of the Lady and her Companions.
- The Shenis, being an extaordinary gilded Phallus, in Length not smaller than twelve Inches, is a Sight so extra-ordinary as to attract undue Oversight and Scrutiny from Persons of Quality, and these Gentlefolk, though devoted in Spirit to Modernity, may quail at the Acceptance of the common Use of such an Artifact which, by Comparison with various and sundry Dildoes, &c., &c., formerly in Possession of the Borgia Popes, or the Emperor Caligula, rival these Objects for sheer, unmitigated Decadence, Tackinesse, and conspicuous Excess. (In Sooth, dear Reader, thy humble Author admits the Truth of this, yet holds Unconvinc’d that this Item be a Faulte).
These Arguments, and divers Others, may certes be applied contra the Shenis, as many a contrary Opinion or Idea seemeth, while the Moon shines, to be well-reason’d or inviolable. The Esteemed Reader should, however, accept a Caution: that the Sun, as He rises and rudely violates the Brains of the recently Awakened (and typically Hung-Over) like a buggering Miscreant, also dispels Arguments which, upon secondary Inspection, are reveal’d to be Naught but the Excremental Discharge of ethereal, ephemeral Dreams, such as Those dream’d by One much devoted to the Pracktice of daily imbibing certaine Inexpensive Pharmacopoeic preparations.
This Author proposes a strong Counter-Argument, which, though not Infallible, (as only the Work of the Creator may be beyond Reproach), may serve to Illuminate a particular Pointe, as ruthlessly as does the Sun to the Retinas of the intemperate Drunkard, there-by rendering him a gormless Wrack of his former Self, and which, by outweighing other divers worthy Criticisms of the Shenis by reason of the greater Merit, should mote it necessary for the Publick to embrace the Shenis, and all Things Shenile:
Namely, that the Shenis is a suitable Accoutrement for Ladies of Distinction, who happen to be in the Habit of conducting the Exploration of divers low Taverns, slatternly Boozeries, certaine disreputable and ill-favor’d Stores of Convenience, and Dwelling-Places or Work-Places of sluttish or boorish Persons, for the Reason that, in such Circumstances as typically befall a Man, where-in he is forced, by his own bewilderingly wretched Drunkenness, or a Sense of sheer Meanness, or by a noble and gentlemanly Lust for unholy and awful Vengeance, to unfurl his mighty Member from behind his Codpiece, Sporran, Greaves &c., &c., and thence let forth a voluble Column of Pisse, for the Purpose of instilling Ignominy and Fury in the hearts of his Enemies- or possibly just from drunken Perversity, targeting some Object which would not benefite from such Bespatterment, id est: a Trashe-canne, or some-such other Item which requires Handling and subsequent Dis-posal by a deservedly furious Peasant or impertinent, surly Wage-Slave.
Long have Females, and Women particularly, labored under the Notion, that utilizing an Adversary’s Trashe-canne, for an amusing makeshift Privy, while in a State of vindictive Drunkenness, is an impossible Methodology. With divers technologickal Engines, such as the Shenis, can we now ensure that the Womanly Sector of our Populace is as equally forearmed, for this dire Contingency. Concomitant with the Advent of the Shenis, this Author augurs a Rise in the regard of the Female gender, and increased Respect paid to Ladies Hither and Yon.
In summation- Fine Ladies who indulge in Purchases of this or similar “Engines for the Guidance of Urine” shall make known a dire, yet silent, Ultimatum; “Your Respect, if you please, Knave, else your eventual Trip to the Dumpster shall be a dribbly and foul Journey indeed.” Victims of such unspeakably gruesome Treatment, upon their subsequent Bemoistening, may reflect on their Habits and Ways of conducting their Business, and possibly improve Same.
If these Rogues change not their Manners, repeated Shenisings may, at Least, alter their Tune.
