RKNet Blog... Thing

The bathroom was a terrible place to be. All the stall doors were slightly ajar and the terrible placement of the typical office fluorescent lighting gave the shadows life that they certainly wouldn’t have possessed on their own. I kept turning back in terror from what I assumed was a malevolent face in the handicapped stall. The wall by the sink provided me something to look at to occupy my mind, but this too became a source of vile fascination. Whether the talk was all in my mind or if there was someone there I do not know. Kindly and reassuring it spoke to me of demons, and angels, and paths to power sometimes being fraught with dangerous-looking things. There was no need to worry though of course, not if you were prepared.
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Yes, once again our first-ever contest, the Design-a-Vagina Contest (Redux), has come to a close. The results are already in and those results may be expressed with the following image.

If you can’t read that, and I don’t blame you if you can’t, it says “This Page Intentionally Left Blank” - which is to say that the second iteration of the Design-a-Vagina contest has come and gone without an entry. As such, I am somewhat grateful as it means I don’t have to shell out upwards of $150 on prizes, but I am also disappointed that I could not help the woman from North One who had encouraged me to rerun the contest in the hopes of fostering discussion on modern women’s body image issues.

Which is a subject that has been touched upon before by yours truly, although never really discussed outside of that post and mentions as part of the contest. Fun, games, and fabulous un-won prizes aside, are there any issues regarding elective cosmetic surgery and women’s body issues that anyone would like to talk about? If so, we would love to hear from you. No issues can be fixed or even identified unless they are understood, and understanding requires communication.

The comments and contents of this post are considered NSFW - Not Safe For Work - and we assume no fault if you get tagged for inappropriate conduct. Though we here at RKNet do not consider these contents inappropriate, we do not make the rules or the laws regarding your day-to-day life. Thank you for your understanding.

Welcome one and all to the second run of RKNet’s very first contest, the Design-a-Vagina contest. Previously we here at RKNet had provided a mostly blank sheet, in activity book style, encouraging people to create an image of a realistic or fantastic “ideal vagina”.

Thanks to the interest of a documentary team doing a film for North One Productions, we are proud to reopen the contest, with a few changes. The documentary is going to be called The Vagina Dialogues, with the goal of discussing female sexuality and body image, particularly as it relates to the Holiest-of-holies, the vag, the cooter, the hoo-hoo parts, the vagina, the vulva, the cooch and (depending on who you talk to) the cunt. With a focus on discussing the issue, the acceptable categories for entries to the Design-a-Vagina will be as follows:

1. 150-1000 words on your personal feelings regarding the “ideal vagina” and your thoughts surgery or other modifications to attain an ideal visual appearance. You may express this in fiction if you include a brief opening statement which declares it a fictional piece, and hopefully states the goals of the piece in a short and clear fashion. Please state if you are male, female, mixed gender or transgender. Post your entry in the comments, or on your blog and link to it from the comments.
2. An original visual representation of what to you constitutes the “ideal vagina”, preferably with a brief description on your overall concept and thoughts surrounding the image. Photos, drawings, computer generated and mixed-media images appropriate. Link to your image (html image tags supported in the comments also) and share your comments. Please state if you are male, female, mixed gender or transgender. This category will rely on the honor system in part, however we will be doing background checks on every image submission.
3. Personal (i.e. of yourself) audio or video submissions between 1 and 5 minutes, discussing what you consider the “ideal vagina” and your thoughts surgery or other modifications to attain an ideal visual appearance. Please state if you are male, female, mixed gender or transgender.

Prizes will be determined in part by the number of entries in each category. If there are more than 10 in each category, then the chosen winner in each category will receive a $50 gift certificate to JT’s Stockroom (site NSFW) or Amazon.com - winners’ preference. Each category must have at least ten entries for this to apply. If there are less than 10 in each category (yes, even if it’s 10, 10, and 9), then one single winner will be chosen from all categories and be awarded a $50 gift certificate to either JT’s Stockroom or Amazon.com - winner’s preference.

Winners (in each category or in general if too few of each category are submitted) will be chosen at random. This is something I failed to specify before and many thanks to my good friend Matt for pointing out this grevious omission. The goal here is to foster communication, and as such I cannot very well propose that I have what it takes to judge the merit of people’s personal feelings.

Watch this post for updates: I will be trying to get backing to make the prizes more interesting for participants. Though I should hope that the opportunity to discuss these issues publicly would be the biggest draw of all.

There will also be bonuses and/or props available for people who demonstrate that they have promoted this contest. The person who can provide the most proof of promotion will receive a prize of their choosing, either many very public thanks and links by RKNet on your behalf or a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com.

The deadline for the contest is 06/30/2008, 12:00 pm EST.

Entries will be chosen within a week of the deadline. An update will be made after the close of the deadline declaring the number of entries in each category.

Thank you and good luck!

In an endless void of silence, one voice was bold enough to even suggest an answer to the challenge put forth by me and my cavalier crew! It was none-other than the good Doctor. The email from Dr. Hypercube was like manna from the heaven that exists in a twisted alternate reality in which anatomy was meant to be treated just like modeling clay.

Despite his highly understandable trepidation in regards to meddling with the forms of nature, he slipped through enemy lines in broad daylight to pass on a concept so daring, so bold, so positively fantastic that I nearly fainted on the spot.

It was a simple visual combination, he suggested, trying not to catch the attention of the vicious guards of Biology and Feminism.

It’s…
and
That’s right. Sally Impossible, of the Venture Brothers, and a Sea Anemone, of… the sea.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find the picture of Mrs. Impossible that I wanted, but I feel as though this one fits surprisingly well. You see, Sally Impossible was bombarded with radiation in an accident (ala The Fantastic Four), and now turns “invisible”. I use the term invisible in quotes because the only part of her that turns invisible is her epidermis, skin, outermost human shell. This reveals something that looks like one of those human anatomy models. It’s unfortunate, and since it happens that she reverts to this “invisible” state without a great deal of concentration, it really puts a damper on her dating life.

Our other inspirational component is the sea anemone - a fascinating creature. Though they appear to be delicate, colorful flowers, the tendrils which gentle waver in the tidal pull are in fact the seeking tentacles of a meat-eating animal. An animal which lives all over the world and has many different species in shape, color, and behavior. Although they lack the teeth to make this combination a true “vagina dentata”, the anemone’s anatomy (say that a couple times fast!) is highly limited, and beyond the tentacles lies the mouth, and beyond the mouth lies what can best be described as a G-spot capable of digestion. Anemones which are divided into two sexes release eggs or sperm through the same orifice through which food is gathered. So essentially they eat sea life and periodically vomit reproductive splooge.

All in all, the most glorious combination ever the grace the minds of RKNet’s fine fellowship in general. A stunning combination of science and awesome cartoons. Roll that into our contest concept of redesigning the human female reproductive area and, well, it’s a work of art.

So, here’s to you, Doctor Hypercube! Even though you weren’t able to diagram your thoughts, you have truly inspired us all in ways we may never be able to scrub from our imaginations whether we’d like to or not.

…and so is love.

We had precisely zero submissions. I’m speechless, gentle readers, but ultimately not terribly surprised. We are a sparse, busy, and easily distracted lot here at RKNet, and we can only assume that our readership shares at least some of these qualities. Most notably the sparseness, what with the sheer lack of exposure. It will change, someday, you’ll see, you’ll ALL see! BWAHAHAHAHAHA-*cough* ’scuse me.

I would like to give honorary first place, however, to Dr. Hypercube for his amazing concept submission. While he was not confident that he could produce the appropriate visual representation of his thoughts on the matter, he was kind enough to send me his idea.

Stay tuned for a complete write up, with pictures to help shed some light on the brilliance at work, soon to come.

Well kids, there’s about 2 days left for RKNet’s very first contest: Design-a-Vagina.

Truth be told I still haven’t come up with any suitable prizes, although the following options have crossed my mind:

• Print the winning entry on a shirt, bag, or just get it on some really nice print stock.
• Some manner of personal manipulation device (a.k.a. dildo)
• A gift certificate of some sort.
• A hearty congratulations and a page to enshrine the winner for all time.

However, given that there have been approximately ZERO entries thus far (not even non-qualified entries from the judges!), I suspect that I may not have to concern myself with prizes. Should anyone desire to participate, now is the time! If there’s significant activity near the closing bell I will be more than happy to accept entries that are technically “late”.

Gentle readers, this is your time to shine. Scrape at the creative mucus that resides in your skull for the sake of re-imagining that oh-so-mysterious entry to the female generative organs and we promise not to disappoint in rewarding you.

Just in time for both Cthuhlu Cthursday and Vag Day- I mean - Valentine’s Day, here’s a card for your scrumptious puppet of fear, madness, and in some cases the wasted human expression known as “love”.

Although he waits in a death-like slumber, Cthuhlu is still polite enough to at least send a card when the time comes again for the humans to get all agitated and rub against each other in various futile forms of staving off madness and death. The humor of your petty practices of self-adulation are not lost on The Tentacled One, and thusly he has usurped my standard functions and compelled me to create a card that you might share in the worshipful ecstacy of the passing regard issued forth by Mighty Cthuhlu.