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I MAED A R3V13W OF A I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MBIES (IN IT)!!!1

Giania — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 15:51:27 +0000

Hot:

I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MBIES 1N IT!!!1

Right from the start when I saw the red-on-black characters I recall from the DOS days of yore, and the eagerness expressed in the all-caps 1337 misspelled name, I knew that I would love this game. When I saw that James Silva’s I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MBIES 1N IT!!!1 was only 80 Microsoft Points (which translates to approximately a dollar in the US), I didn’t even bother with the demo first, I just went ahead and bought it. It apparently launched back on the 16th, but I’ve never been known for being a bleeding edge gamer, so you know, whatever.

As it turns out, I don’t just love this game, I love-love it. Let me tell you right now that you may not spend hours and hours on this. It’s not that kind of game. What it is, you see, is the fastest paced, 1-4 player shoot-em-up (or shmup, if you must resort to neologisms like that) on the block. It starts slow, with just a few enemies so you can get the feel for the two-stick mechanic which is smooth like butta, even if you’re like me and your hours of Katamari training make you tend to point both sticks in the same direction. There are no instructions, no tutorial, just a couple of shuffling zombies coming at you across the field, shown in glorious top-down 2d as the theme music begins to swell “Welcome… to my game…”. After killing a few zombies a couple power ups might appear on the field. Scampering over to pick these up, you may find yourself as I did: simultaneously delighted with the new firepower presented to you, and horrified as you realize that the number of foes is beginning to rapidly increase. I’d tell you what happens next, but to do so would be to totally ruin the awe-inspiring effect.

Let me prognosticate for a moment about this game’s theme music: it will be the next Still Alive. It encorporates all the elements that make a video game song just great. Involves a nerd favorite, in this case zombies. It is very tongue in cheek. It is epic in scope. It appeals to those with an already eclectic taste in music. I am going to link you to the song under one condition: don’t listen to it until you have played the game. Ok? Here you go.

The game, as I mentioned, accommodates up to 4 players, and I strongly suggest enlisting all four. From what I understand it’s a short game, but I still haven’t made it to the end. I die pretty quickly on my own, and got MUCH farther with just one extra person. I think a team of four could probably make it all the way to the end, although it gets really intense rather quickly. I haven’t explored if the game allows remote multiplayer, but if it does I invite you to join me for a round or two.

Go get the game! You’ll probably spend more money on a shitty sugar soda! This is so much better for you, trust me.

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The Craigslist Posting That Will Almost Certainly Never Be

Giania — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:50:48 +0000

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Disclaimer-by-way-of-Prologue – I sat down and thought to myself: “Suppose I was to solicit some kind of bodily coupling through something like craigslist, in an area where these kind of services are clearly not at their peak usefulness?” This is the result of that thought process. (I may have also been letting my mind wander after reading Curvy. [NSFW] So, you know, whatever.) I couldn’t necessarily decide if I wanted to put it in the fiction category or not since it’s more of a “thought experiment” so I decided that the almighty FNORD would be perfectly adequate here. There is a certain amount of temptation to go ahead and post this to see what kind of responses it would turn up, but at the same time I’m afraid that the rage caused by attempting to read the painfully infantile responses that I would anticipate from such a posting would cause me to have a stroke. The other terrifying alternative is explained below, and the consequences would be no different if I were joking or serious, because some people just don’t get that other people having sex is none of their goddamn business and they, therefore, have nothing to be afraid of or disgusted by if they just take the unimportant information of who’s doing what with their naughty bits and just put it out of their mind entirely.

At any rate, the questions for the readers might be this: Would you respond to a personals ad on a site like craigslist? Would you POST a personals ad on a site like craigslist? HAVE you done either of those things, and how did it turn out if you did? I myself have always been extremely particular about my partners, so I can’t actually imagine following through with something like this, but the idea intrigues me and I am interested to hear from people who’ve been there and done that. Comment! Your email will never be published here, and if you’re worried about something like that anyway, don’t forget there’s always hushmail.

You know, this is totally crazy. I mean, New Hampshire is a pretty small state, the seacoast area doubly so from what I’ve noticed. Yet here I am, typing this up as if I’m really and truly considering putting myself and my partner up on the block to be passed over (or worse taken up) by people we’d potentially never think twice about, much less set up an intimate relationship with. An even further terrifying thought is the idea that someone I actually know, or heaven forbid work with, would actually come across this and be able to identify who I am by the way this is written or the location I’ve specified.

Not that it’s any of their business anyway. After all, if I’d wanted to include them in my sex life I probably would have just gotten extremely drunk and asked by now. Still, even if lots of people do this (and you must be at least interested or you wouldn’t be here reading this, would you?), and it’s really not that big of a deal, and if anything it’s safer and more cost effective than trolling bars, it would undoubtedly be seen as some kind of transgression of society and be laughed at heartily and most likely jeopardize my good standing with certain less open minded individuals. It’s really an unfortunate state of affairs (no pun intended).

So the first question that I must ask of you, dear respondent, is how do you deal with the knowledge that this ostensible stranger you’re contacting may be someone you know? Furthermore, how do you deal with the knowledge that you actually know nothing about this ostensible stranger if indeed they turn out to be someone previously unknown to you? A relatively decent answer to either one of these questions will also help me establish that you are not some kind of weird robot intent on selling me man-bits-enhancing-laced flapjacks or whatever it is they’re pushing these days with the spam.

Clearly, this process would have to start with some kind of meeting sans sexual expectations. Not that he or I would be looking for anyone interested in forging a lifelong bond of inseparable friendship and omfg-limbs-everywhere sex, but it would be nice to know beyond a simple reply message whether or not the person we intend to meet is some kind of mouth-breathing troglodyte before we get to the clothes off stage of things. I also naturally assume that, like me, you will want to be seeing the person whom you’re considering climbing into bed with – totally understandable. Well, I won’t be posting any photos of myself or my significant other on craigslist, as that erodes what little sense of safety in anonymity craigslist actually provides (see also that “small state” comment from the beginning). That said, I know that pictures are helpful to bridge from emails or phone calls to the next actual meeting step, and I’ll be happy to send one along as soon as I hear from someone who seems like an interesting person (that I don’t already know). I am in my late 20s and he is in his early 30s, and neither of us are body builders but we are also not sacks of human waste with eyes, so that’s a plus.

Oh, and what we’d ideally be looking for is a woman, between the ages of 19-35, or maybe even a couple in that age range (male/female or female/female would be fine, male/male might be too many man-bits to for either my partner or I to deal with, sorry guys), who takes interest in or at the very least does not take exception to the following:

Substance use (for the sake of legality I will say booze and cigarettes)
Terrible B movies, and not-terrible movies centering around sci-fi, history, or abstract concepts
Discussions about esoteric philosophy, science, computers & the internet, art, video games and comics
Relatively obscure/eclectic music including but not limited to medieval Serbian folk music, The Fleet Foxes, of Montreal, Daft Punk, Guided By Voices, and the soundtrack from the Katamari games
Keeping things completely and totally out of the commitment zone.

(By now anyone who really knows me has probably figured out who I am by the contents of this post, and if you – for whatever reason – want to talk to me about this by all means respond, or speak to me privately. Should I discover that my request has been aired in whispers all over the fruited plains I shall be very disappointed in humanity as a whole.)

If you are still interested after this confused diatribe and wish to contact my partner and I about this (flight of fancy I have decided to) post (without telling him) then please feel free to respond. I look forward to the kind of unique interest something like this can generate.

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Papercraft Tools and Resources

Giania — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 00:20:42 +0000

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When you’re stuck inside because the weather has gone from bad to worse, or when you’re looking for a cheap project for gift giving or just good old fashioned time consumption that actually isn’t looking at pictures of cats with captions, papercraft is great.

“Papercraft” is exactly what it sounds like: crafts made with paper. This includes things like origami, card making, and making paper models. Making paper snowflakes or chains of paper people? That’s papercraft. All those red and green chains made by gluing strips of construction paper into links? That’s papercraft too. Those little fingertip fortune readers? Yup, that too. Of course, those are all rather old hat, but that’s ok because the internet is here to help.

It almost goes without saying that CRAFT and MAKE magazines are chock full of great ideas for any kind of crafting project, and paper is no exception.
Fans of video games will be pleased to note that there are several resources for making paper models of all your favorite characters. Nintendo Papercraft is a blog dedicated to Nintendo-themed paper projects.
Papercraft Museum has a pretty massive database of video game, anime, and film related projects in an easy to navigate archive, complete with downloadable patterns. They’ve also got beginner and advanced tutorials and a forum.
4chan’s /po/ board has a variety of papercraft (and origami specific, thus the o in /po/) projects, some of which are totally original. (I saw one there of DOG from HalfLife2 that totally blew my mind!) For any who aren’t familiar, 4chan is comes with an +18 plus disclaimer, because they do not restrict the content posted to the site. If you’re looking for projects with your kids, keep that in mind before you visit here.

So the resources for the projects are out there, but of course to build these things, you’ll need supplies. Below I’ve linked to a bunch of tools at Amazon (each under $20) that can help you get started. Things like small scissors for those tricky little corner cuts, a self-healing cutting mat, some regular and some paint markers, and an inexpensive (but really nice looking) set of x-acto knives. Having a few specialty tools will really help if you want to get into some of the more intricate projects, but nothing beats a regular pair of scissors, a (black and white or color) printer, paper, and glue if you just want to get started on something fun.

Paper itself is also a consideration! I strongly recommend recycling as much as possible, reusing all those misprint sheets with one or two lines on either end and so on. You can even recycle more heavily printed-on paper if you use paint or bold markers to color your creation after you’ve printed out the outline. If you’re interested in going tree-free with your paper projects, there are some vendors out there who can hook you up.

Card making and scrapbooking are a branch of crafting/papercrafting that are growing in popularity, and in a world full of boring pre-printed cards, nothing is nicer than getting a hand made original. There are positively TONS of resources available for card making tips, ideas and equipment, so I won’t bother getting into it here. However, I would encourage everyone to try to get creative with the things they have before going out and buying expensive card making supplies or equipment as some places may advertise. Old photo albums (especially if you usually get double prints), scraps of craft supplies, small junk drawer items, unused stickers, old magazines and things like that are perfect for a small project like a card. A co-worker of mine recently saved the heavy clear plastic backing from some big rolls of contact paper for card making and the results were really neat.

If you’re still not sure how to get started, PaperKraft has this handy papercraft for beginners video, embedded here for your enjoyment.

Happy crafting, everyone!

Bonus papercraft eyecandy! WebUrbanist just pulled together a great list of 15 really astounding artists who do all their work in, you guessed it, paper. Check it out!

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Don’t Stop At Your Television – Throw Away Your Whole Tech Life

Guest Author — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 22:07:40 +0000

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Here’s a little social experiment: Erase your MySpace page. Go ahead, you’re going to have to trust me on this one. And while you’re at it get rid of your Facebook page as well. Right now, I’ll wait. Also delete your LinkedIn profile and take yourself off of Match.com, Friendster, and Classmates.com. Peekyou, Flickr, and Twitter – all gone. Next, walk over to your window, open it up, remove the screen and collect the following items: PS3, XBox, Game Cube, etc. Toss ‘em right out that sucker. Cell phone? iPhone? Google phone? Yup, toss those out the window too. Just for good measure, if you are one of the last few still harboring a landline, might as well detatch that. And finally – this one is going to hurt – haul that television over to the window and let that big guy fly. That’s right, no more cable, no more HBO, no nothing.

DISCLAIMER: RKNet Blog is not responsible for any lost or damaged items resulting from this experiment, or injuries resulting from falling personal items.

So at this point you may be wondering what the purpose of all this is. I assume most of you readers wondered this before you removed your self from all connections between you and your friends, family, and business associates and threw thousands of dollars worth of electronics to the streets below. Well, the reason for this experiment is twofold. First, if I see one more commercial with that smarmy, coy douche bag, Dan Hesse I am going to devote the rest of my life to Durden-esque system-fighting. And two, the everyday life of too many Americans has become so crammed full of distractions that the important things in life are now self-obsessed, masturbatory (side note: “masturbatory” has actually been proven to be the funniest word in the English language, so go ahead and chuckle despite the seriousness of this topic) functions solely aimed at attention whoring or money grubbing.

Certainly one could blame poor parenting for creating generations of fickle minds and self-centeredness, but that’s a whole different conversation with sociological implications I am not currently prepared to address. What I do know however, is that I have watched plenty of television and felt the depraving addiction to lame TV programs. I have participated in social networks and felt the emptiness of wondering what strangers think of me. I have texted people for no reason, drunk dialed, and entertained other desperate attempts at pointless neediness.

“Hey, wait just a second,” you readers may be protesting at this point, “if you have detached yourself from social networks, communications devices and other mind-numbing electronics, what are you doing writing for a blog??” Very good question, dear reader. The unfortunate truth is I cannot do all of these things. (I tried by abandoning television and video games, which was a big step but ultimately trivial when compared to the lot of things I could not remove from my daily life. I also rationalized that ignoring people’s calls was like not having a cell phone, but it’s not.) This is why I need you all to carry out this experiment for me – for all of us.

It is my dream that one day I will be able to disconnect from everyone and from everything. I would urge everyone to at least consider it – if only temporarily, or only just a little. I have even considered moving to places that do not embrace a culture of television, do not have as much accessibility to internet, cable, cell phone towers, etc. Not only is it healthy, but I think it’s the only way to avoid a zombie apocalypse.

In this case I am using the term “zombie apocalypse” to refer to the very real possibility of the world ending at the hands of superficial morons, or as I like to call them, zombies.

There are of course many logical arguments against abandoning such useful devices as telephones, televisions and computers like,

“How am I supposed to communicate with the ones I love?”

“What if something important happens somewhere, I will have no way of knowing.”

“I may be left unprotected during emergencies.”

and other such fit-for-emo-song complaints. Well these are real concerns, but the true pessimist will see the benefit right away. A true realist will come around eventually. And you optimists have fun seeing how many friends you can horde on Facebook while civilization crashes down around you.

My point is that I cut out television from my normal life and felt better immediately – healthier, happier, so on. I also recognize my addiciton to attention through social networks and through cell phones and email, and it makes me feel dirty. I will even go so far as to say that I felt like a more genuine person before I got wrapped up in the tsunami of mass communication that is rapidly forming a global society. Too much staring at screens will drain you physically and obsession over image will drain you mentally, perhaps even change you. That is why I am warning those of you who may share my experiences. Get out now, while you still can.

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Mix and Mash Part 1: Introduction to a Colorific Exploration of Favorites

Giania — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:59:05 +0000

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A while back I asked people on my Twitter friends list to DM me with the answer to a really simple question: What is your favorite color? I got some really interesting responses, and I thought to myself: “Hey self” “Yeah?” “What if we do a really neat post out of this?” “Well! That’s a capital idea!” “Yes, it is, isn’t it?” “Totally. Let’s go get wasted.” “OK!” And then I forgot about it for a while.

But the time is ripe! The time is NOW! (Isn’t it always now?) The time is upon us, gentle readers, to explore people’s favorite colors! This will be part one of (probably) two, because I take favorite colors very seriously.

First to respond was @johnherman with

Argyle. Is that a color? It should be.

I couldn’t agree with him more, because if I agreed any more than I already do – which is very strongly – I’d probably probably be one of those slavering fanatical types and that’s just not healthy, you know?
Fun facts about argyle:

(Editor’s note: Since every definition and history of argyle I found points to the damn wikipedia page, I guess I’ll use theirs too.) The argyle (occasionally argyll) pattern is made of diamonds in a diagonal checkerboard arrangement. The word is sometimes used to refer to an individual diamond in the design but more commonly refers to the overall pattern.
It’s the name of a town in Nova Scotia, Ontario, Manitoba, Iowa, Minnesota, Texas, Georgia, Illinois, Maine, Michigan, Missouri, New York and Wisconsin (the last 2 have a town and a village!).
Argyle is a magazine for the lifestyles of the rich and famous of the Toronto area. You don’t have to be a fabulously wealthy, busy, Canadian business exec to read it though. Us lay persons can flip through their most recent issue at the site, too.
There’s a guy named Steve Argyle who does some pretty neat illustrations and CGI work.
This article about Freemasons isn’t really related (aside from a mention of Argyle Street) but I do so love a good conspiracy theory.

Next up is @tmtx, saying:

Amethyst purple. It’s my birthstone. Plus it’s the color of the mind chakra so it helps me focus.

Awesome town! My birth stone is the diamond so theoretically I get all colors, but I don’t care for diamonds so I see it more like no colors. And “clear” or “prismatic” aren’t exactly points of focus as chakra work goes. Oh well.
Fun facts about amethyst purple:

The PANTONE ® number for amethyst is 18-3015.
At the time of this writing there are 12 pages of colors registered on COLOURlovers claiming to be amethyst, but only 5 claiming to be amethyst purple (none of which really fit the bill if you ask me).
Amethyst, acording to asunam.com is: “Spiritually, it is primarily a 6th Chakra stone. It helps one to achieve an accelerated access to the higher self and enhances the meditative state.”
Amethyst is a quartz variant with iron or manganese impurities which provide the distinctive color.

Good stuff! Next came @cheshster with a practical favorite:

I like royal blue. It is the best color for my hair, and goes with my eyes.

It’s definitely important to have a handle on color if you want to avoid a lifetime of sartorial missteps. Plus, an awful lot of people love a blue-eyed man, and any decision that emphasizes gorgeous blue eyes is one I will support whole-heartedly.
Fast facts about this regal color:

The PANTONE ® number for royal blue is 2745 C.
COLOURlovers has 9 pages of royal blue!
Wikipedia describes royal blue as follows: “Royal blue describes both a bright shade and a dark range of blue. It is said to have been invented by millers in Rode, Somerset, a consortium of which won a competition to make a dress for Queen Charlotte.” Are colors invented, or just given a name when everybody agrees they see the same thing?
The hex code for the html color term “royalblue” is #4169E1

Then @meatbag threw in his two cents:

quinacridone rose, cuz it r similar to octarine- either that or British racing green

That’s technically three colors! What NOW?! Oh the pressure is enormous. Ok, no time to panic. Let’s just start with the first.
The undisputed truth about quinacridone rose:

Quinacridone is a red powder. It is an organic compound with the molecular formula C20H12N2O2. It is used as a pigment; analogs bearing this motif are known as quinacridones.
There’s a patent on the chemical formula for Mono-N-alkyl-quinacridone pigments. Who’d-a thunk it? (Caution serious science business ahead.)

What you need to know about octarine:

It was a color invented by Terry Pratchett for the Discworld series of books. It is the color of magic, “and can only be seen by wizards, and cats, who sometimes describe it as resembling a fluorescent greenish-yellow purple.”
Peter Carroll, chaos magic scholar, adopted octarine as a symbol for a rich imagination.
Nerds like it too, as octarine has also wormed its way into tech vocabulary to describe peculiar program behaviors caused by “too many cooks”.

British racing green?!

As is typical of this set, British racing green isn’t just one color. Wikipedia describes it as: “British racing green or BRG, a colour similar to Brunswick green, hunter green, forest green or moss green (RAL 6005), takes its name from the green international motor racing colour of Great Britain.”
I have a feeling that when @meatbag thinks about British racing green, he probably thinks of something like this extra sexy jag.

There are more colors to come, but this is a lot to process! So for now I’ll leave you with some music I hand picked to fit the chosen colors. I tried to go with artists who named themselves by my friends’ favorite colors, but it didn’t always work, so I cheated a little. I’m sure once you give it a listen you won’t mind so terribly much that I did, though.
Edit: Mixwit sadly closed. I will do my best to re-add the chosen songs through another means.
Songs:

The Argyles – Still In Love With You Baby

This is an absolute gem. Classic surf rock sound, production values reminicent of the 60s. It’s available with other Argyles songs and other, similar music on a 2002 reissue called Rebirth More background here, too.

Amethyst – Give a Reason

I confess I chose this because it’s the opening theme to one of the seasons/series of The Slayers that I used to listen to all the time. I still think it’s fun.

Unknown – Boys in Royal Blue

I found out in my searching that this Scottish gem is in fact a football (Americans read: soccer) anthem! It’s still rather inspiring.

Octarine – Timetraveller

Couldn’t find any quniacridone rose or british racing green, so octarine it is! It’s all video game-y! Short but sweet, it would make good background tunes. MP3s available at the artist’s (Martin Philip) site.

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RKNet’s Weird Tales: Sleeper.

fragmad — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 16:58:17 +0000

Hot:

You are hiding behind a stone wall being shot at by heavily armed cultist. You have had two weeks of training to deal with situations like this. But you’re only just starting to remember this. You know you should feel angry that people are shooting at you. But you consider that they would shoot at anyone trying to sneak into their heavily armed and very secretive religious compound. Instead you think about the figurative bastards that put you in this situation. They woke you up at four in the morning approximately thirteen hours ago. Bundled you into a car, then an airplane and whisked you six hundred miles from your home. They told you that that two week blackout you had was their fault. That two week blackout two years ago. A blackout that cost you a relationship with a person you deeply loved and very nearly alienated you from your immediate family. They said that you’d been taken to a secret government facility and been in their words ‘The Clockwork Orange’ treatment. Except instead of making you dislike violence they taught you to know how to do very unpleasant things to your fellow human beings. When you didn’t believe this as they quite reasonably expected they produced photographic evidence, timestamped and digitally signed. These memories slowly came back to you. You attributed this to the background music playing in the airplane’s cabin.

The current problem that you are to be injected into was explained to as a local disturbance which could rapidly turn into the European version of the Waco Ranch massacre. They explain to you that this is where you come in. You, they explain are to sneak into the compound and assassinate the leader of the cult as well as disrupt as much of the chain of command. Logically you try to explain to them that Solid Snake does this in the video games and he tends to die an awful lot in the attempt. They do not get the reference. They also suck their gums a lot which you take as a sign of ‘you’re not the first one we’ve sent in.’

The sneaking into the farm ran by crazy cult members did go better than expected. You made it past the official police line and through a field past the body of who you assume was ‘the first one sent in.’ As you reach the edge of the main farm complex however it all goes wrong.

Not the first one to be sent in seems to explain the problem well as you hide behind a dry wall. Your mouth is dry and your hands have almost stopped trembling. Their bullets have stopped firing. Cautiously you peer around the corner and see that three of the larger cultists are running towards you while brandishing very scary looking shotguns. You gulp. Aim the silenced pistol you were given at the closest cultist. Then you fire. It isn’t a perfect shot. It goes through his leg and he tumbles to the floor. He is screaming but the other two have upped the pace. You take aim again and fire. The next one drops without a sound in a mist of red. The third cultist stops. He raises his shotgun. You take cover. He discharges the weapon into the wall and the pellets bounce off the wall harmlessly. You feel you are getting the hang of this. Looking around the corner you feel slightly disappointed that he is running away from you.

You move forwards from this wall to the next. This is progress you think. Then they start firing a machine gun at you and you dive for the closest thing you see that looks like cover. The training you remember consisted of firing ranges, simulated close quarters combat exercises and training drills. Very little of the training (although you cannot be quite certain right now as your memory is still fragmented) involved being shot at and the immediate action to be taken when you inevitably come into the situation. You go on instinct here. Duck and cover, then hope that the machine gun breaks or runs out of bullets.

The person manning the machine gun appears to be enjoying himself. Every few seconds a burst of fire removes fragments of the dry stone wall. The bullets are close and you hear some of them whistle through the air. The gunner however has a steady rhythm to his firing. You remember that you have a mirror on one of the cargo pockets. You take it out and use it to peer round the edge of the wall. There is only him. His burst finishes. You jump over the wall and shoot him in the head. The way into the main building is clear now. You kick the flimsy wooden door from it’s hinges. You hear a thumping noise.

You are cold and cannot move. Your head aches with a dull throbbing sensation. Your face hurts. Opening your eyes you see that you are in a cellar. The thin light of sunset comes in through an opening in the wall near the ceiling. You work out why you are cold and cannot move. Directly ahead of you is a man. He is naked and strapped to a gurney. His right arm has a horrific gunshot wound and his groans occasionally break his possibly drug induced sleep.

Four sky clad people walk into the cellar. One of them has a demonic mask and a evil knife. Another, a drum made from wood with a tight white skin with tattoo ink blue Celtic markings on it. The other two are women who start dancing and chanting as soon as they enter the room. The drummer starts to hit his drum and the masked man you watch move to stand in front of the injured man blocking him from your view.

“For your intrusion onto hallowed ground we punish you,” the masked man shouts.
“For your intrusion onto hallowed ground we punish you,” the others repeat.
You watch the masked man drag the knife across the injured mans chest. Blood runs to the ground.
“For your violent ways we injured you,” the masked man shouts.
“So we shall injure you again!” The two dancers say.
The masked man pushes the knife into the injured mans gunshot wound.
He screams!
“We the children of the gods say you must die,” all of the cultists say.
The injured man screams one last time.
You see the masked man turn to you.

You are sweating heavily now. That evil knife is covered in gore and the blank look of the masked man you feel hides a sadistic smile. The drumming man carries on his vile rhythm for the dancers to follow. You see a small ball shaped object role through the sunlight opening. It bounces on the stone floor of the cellar.
“For your intrusion,” the masked man starts to say. You close your eyes in terror.

You hear a deafening noise followed by chaotic screams and gunshot. You close your eyes even more. The ringing in your ears stops and you open your eyes. You try to speak and a desperate whimper is all you can summon. You see eight people in battle dress and black full face gas masks. One of them approaches you and slings his weapon over his shoulder. You watch him take his gas mask off.
“It will be alright. You’ve done your duty. You’ve exceeded our expectations. Let us help you,” he says.

This story was originally entered into the SFX Pulp Idol competition. It didn’t win (aw), didn’t get shortlisted and it didn’t even get an honerable mention. No matter I’m well aware of it’s deficencies and it was a tracer bullet. Oh well it’s a success if someone enjoys it.

Will.

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Cigarette Burns – A Tear Into weirdHolly

Sketch E Whiteface — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 01:29:16 +0000

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If someone reliable could tell me when in the future films would become solely based on finances it’d certainly save me the hassle of looking up articles on the Internet. If someone told me it would be next week I wouldn’t be shocked in the least since in it’s current state it’s just about at the point where it’s not about telling a story but a good way to rope in a few thousand people and scam them out of $10 because Will Smith pretends to act (I’ll get into that in just a moment.) As an up and coming independent film maker I have many issues of how things are dealt with in Hollyweird. To rattle of several quick ones — planning sequels months prior to the film’s release (it’s a half-cocked gesture mostly from the studios and regardless of how good you think it is or how profitable you believe it will become you must keep in mind the judgment of the public will have the real say), the MPAA and their rating system and advertising standards, 20th Century Fox (I’ll get into them later as well), studios pushing for PG-13 ratings for a wider audience (I don’t care what educational background you have but to try and make “Punisher: War Zone” PG-13 because “The Dark Knight” conveniently was and made a shit-ton of money doesn’t make it just. How can you make a man’s head exploding soft-core?), and painful “actors”. Let’s break it down, kids.

In case you haven’t noticed that for the last several years 20th Century Fox has prowled on modern celluloid like a drunk man in a bar or a 13 year-old white kid from Iowa who thinks he’s black, they think showing their cock will win affection. Wrong. Lately they’ve really been pouring gas on themselves. The bigger stunt recently is their lawsuit against Warner Bros. over upcoming comic book movie “Watchmen”. The studio claimed that Warner Bros. didn’t hold the rights to make the Alan Moore graphic novel or at least distribute the picture, never minding the fact that Warner Bros. owns DC Comics/Vertigo for which the graphic novel resides on. So now they are currently in a legal battle to do either one of two things — make it so that Fox is the distributor (which can only mean they will ghastly edit the movie into a mind-numbing 90-minute feature that contains only the parts where there is fighting and shit blowing up with no intellectual transition) or to completely wipe the movie’s release date off the calendar completely, never releasing it. Though luckily given that the justice system moves about as fast as tree sap downhill in the winter the trial may not actually begin until January of 2009, a mere two months before it’s slated release date. Given that Fox has a tendency to shoot their wad like they know what they’re doing chances are (this is at least wishful thinking) the case will rule in Warner Bros.’s favor.

Another valid point that Fox has no idea what they are doing to tell a story visually is going around the creators to have it your way. This is unprofessional and also a dick move. One instance stated in the following article is on the upcoming “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” which tells the tale of how Wolverine came to be (Weapon X program, scrapes with Sabertooth, etc.) and needless to say a very dark tale which requires seemingly dark environments. One such environment was changed without the director’s knowledge. What called for something “dark, dinghy and somber” was changed to something less depressing with lighter colors and cleaner textures. Now if in the correct fashion this can work in favor but unless you’re doing some “One Hour Photo”/”American Psycho” clean-looking thriller then you are a pussy of a film maker. Changing a set’s design to something more cheery (a colorful euphemism) is almost a denial of reality itself, thinking it can’t be this dark and disgusting when in truth it can be because it fucking is! You can’t cover a bald Kevin Spacey in Laffy Taffy and believe he just killed Brad Pitt’s girlfriend (if you can, please lower your dosage.)

Changing lanes here — YOU CAN’T PUT WILL SMITH IN EVERYTHING! Okay, chances are I’m blaspheming here but you know what I have to say this, why should I really give a shit about a movie because Will Smith is in it? Because conveniently 98% of the movies he’s done have raked in billions? Will Smith isn’t that fantastic an actor. His barometer for character ranges from a good guy who says “fuck” a lot to a good guy who doesn’t say “fuck” at all. Occasionally he’ll mix it up and have the good guy be a bit of a dick or an arrogant douche but for the love of God just knock it off. It doesn’t matter how fantastic he seems you can’t cast him as “The Karate Kid” or Captain America, it’s wrong on every level imaginable to the sane. If I could ever afford his salary for a movie I’d have him play a serial killer who hardly speaks just to break the mold, and when he does speak it’s in a strange language. To help illustrate my point, whenever I see a movie that has Will Smith in it I know it’s Will Smith, I can’t believe he’s anyone else. I can believe Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne and Trent Reznik, I can believe Josh Hartnett as Slevin Kelevra and The Salesman, but you throw Will Smith into a role I’m gonna know it’s him regardless. Captain Hillard, Muhammad Ali, Jesus Christ, I’ll only think, “Oh, hey, Will Smith.” You may think I’m daft for uttering or even thinking such a thing but I’ve heard a similar tear about Christopher Walken and look at his fucking acting skills. (Inside joke: 111th biopic on Andy Warhol starring Chris Walken.)

A couple other mini-rants. If you’ve never been to Massachusetts or talked to someone from there for more than 20 minutes then it’s news to you that often people from their have a habit of shooting their mouth off. Mark Wahlberg is from Massachusetts, so for him saying that Max Payne could take down Batman in hand-to-hand combat makes sense coming from him but is ghastly offensive to the point where if I saw him in a pub I would shatter the closest bottle near me and jab it into his eye socket. First of all the two characters are miles apart, Payne wants revenge for his wife’s death while Bruce Wayne/Batman wants justice for them and others. And also dropping the obvious factor to play in, he’s fucking Batman. Imagine if you will a man standing before an expert martial artist who is performing a series of moves for intimidation and Joe Guy takes him down by jabbing him in the throat. And in the interview where he made this claim he mentioned it was strictly in the matter of fisticuffs, not the box office which shows even more delusion since if you’ve seen any previews for “Max Payne” you’d know that Fox has ruined another video game on the big screen. Well kids I’m putting out the ashes for now. My next piece will detail the new releases of Metallica’s “Death Magnetic” and Nine Inch Nails’ “The Slip”, and how the two contrast each other. See you on the other side, keep it sketchy.

=Sketch/Ed