RKNet Blog... Thing

Ok so admittedly it isn’t going to be quite that big, but it does give me an opportunity to use the first WTK vocabulary term: brobdingnagian.
This originates from the Jonathan Swift novel, Gulliver’s Travels. The term was coined as a reference to the city in which Gulliver visits where everything is just huge. This reference isn’t perhaps as deviously amusing as smirking and using air quotes when you call an idea “a modest proposal” but still good for earning brownie points with the literary set.

The next word is one that anyone can probably find an application for: quidnunc. Sure, it sounds obscure, almost technical, like it ought to be something you forgot when it came time for your biology exam on the parts of an insect. Trust me, this one will apply to you. The word comes from the latin for “what’s new?”, and is meant as a derogatory term for that slime who always asks how you’re doing because they are looking for something to spread around the office behind your back. I just did some poking around for this relatively obscure term, and there was a paperback poetry book released just this year with the title of Quidnunc. It doesn’t have any reviews yet, but then again, how many people deliberately collect new poetry? (No really, I’d love to meet someone who collects new poetry.)

Our third entry in this enlightening vocabulary cavalcade brings to mind the Theremin and its haunting warble: hemidemisemiquaver. Technically this is a 1/64th note. I discovered one tab for Led Zeppelin’s epic Immigrant Song that shows the use of the hemidemisemiquaver. I also saw some inconclusive references to Hendrix, King Crimson, and Dreamtheater. I’d expect that kind of lightning finger work from any of the guitarists in that roster. Do any of your favorite songs incorporate the whip-smart hot licks of the hemidemisemiquaver? Would you know if they did? Because ~I~ sure never learned to read music. Maybe I was just too truculent when the idea of joining band came up?

The last word for this edition of WTK sums up in one term why I generally don’t talk politics: mugwumpery. It sounds like a term out of a popular children’s set of novels which I won’t bother naming since you’ve likely already guessed which, but it’s roots are pure American politics. It was coined in the 1880s to describe people who bailed on the Republican party in response to the party’s nomination of James G. Blaine, who was apparently a totally corrupt nogoodnik. Harsh. Nowadays, however, the term mugwump is used to describe someone who either can’t make up their mind about an issue, or chooses to remain neutral on a controversial issue. Or a spineless, waffling ne’er-do-well, in other words. Just like me! :D

Stay tuned for more exciting trips to big word land. Until then, use your words, and keep they heads ringin’.

LOL HAY GUISE. Disregard that I… you know what, nevermind, just… check snopes prior to reposting. See bottom for intro to relevant conversation. KTHXBAI.

I’m against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG. Instead, I’m in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up… So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00. My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let’s assume a tax rate of 30%. Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam. But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife has $595,000.00.What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

• Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.
• Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads.
• Put away money for college – it’ll be there.
• Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
• Buy a new car – create jobs.
• Invest in the market – capital drives growth.
• Pay for your parent’s medical insurance – health care improves.
• Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else.

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it… instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( “vote buy” ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President. If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG – liquidate it . Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General. Sell off the real estate. Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up. Here’s my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn’t. Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.”

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party! How do you spell Economic Boom? I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 billion We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.

And remember, thie plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh…I feel so much better getting that off my chest

Editor’s Note: This was sent to me by my mother. I do have an email address of the original author of this, which I won’t publish here to save them spam. I will try to get a proper credit for this. In the meantime, if you like this idea a lot better than what’s been proposed, start talking about it! Talk about it even if you hate it. Either way, start talking!

Second Editor’s Note: It has come to my attention, thanks to the savvy of commenters and my own lack of homework, that the CORRECT payout, if the money were to be distributed to the approximate 200 million eligible US voters (which was about the number from the 2004 election), it would only amount to 425 dollars, not gorgeously seductive $425,000 previously quoted.

While it’s not the super-happy-fun-time I’d wanted to believe in, this leads to a change in the pre-existing and still very criticial discussion though:
Does that idea get reworked?
Do you cut out any household over a certain income level?
Do you conduct a survey to give citizens a chance to have their case reviewed for their debt to be bailed out just like the government proposed to bail out the debt of these companies?
Is a large scale government bailout at any level simply more harm than good?
Where does the responsibility of the consumers come in?
The responsibility of the companies?

The economy is not quite as easy to ignore as the actual government, because by having money at all you’ve agreed to participate in a system that follows certain rules and flows with trends in things like “buyer confidence” and other frighteningly nebulous concepts. (Which probably make a lot of sense to other, much smarter people, or at least more aneristic people.)

So, let us continue to focus on these issues and work on solutions - right, wrong or indifferent - because as long as we agree to play by these rules, then we’re obliged to learn how to make this game work for us. It’s your life, what do YOU want to do with it?

You are hiding behind a stone wall being shot at by heavily armed cultist. You have had two weeks of training to deal with situations like this. But you’re only just starting to remember this. You know you should feel angry that people are shooting at you. But you consider that they would shoot at anyone trying to sneak into their heavily armed and very secretive religious compound. Instead you think about the figurative bastards that put you in this situation. They woke you up at four in the morning approximately thirteen hours ago. Bundled you into a car, then an airplane and whisked you six hundred miles from your home. They told you that that two week blackout you had was their fault. That two week blackout two years ago. A blackout that cost you a relationship with a person you deeply loved and very nearly alienated you from your immediate family. They said that you’d been taken to a secret government facility and been in their words ‘The Clockwork Orange’ treatment. Except instead of making you dislike violence they taught you to know how to do very unpleasant things to your fellow human beings. When you didn’t believe this as they quite reasonably expected they produced photographic evidence, timestamped and digitally signed. These memories slowly came back to you. You attributed this to the background music playing in the airplane’s cabin.

The current problem that you are to be injected into was explained to as a local disturbance which could rapidly turn into the European version of the Waco Ranch massacre. They explain to you that this is where you come in. You, they explain are to sneak into the compound and assassinate the leader of the cult as well as disrupt as much of the chain of command. Logically you try to explain to them that Solid Snake does this in the video games and he tends to die an awful lot in the attempt. They do not get the reference. They also suck their gums a lot which you take as a sign of ‘you’re not the first one we’ve sent in.’

The sneaking into the farm ran by crazy cult members did go better than expected. You made it past the official police line and through a field past the body of who you assume was ‘the first one sent in.’ As you reach the edge of the main farm complex however it all goes wrong.

Not the first one to be sent in seems to explain the problem well as you hide behind a dry wall. Your mouth is dry and your hands have almost stopped trembling. Their bullets have stopped firing. Cautiously you peer around the corner and see that three of the larger cultists are running towards you while brandishing very scary looking shotguns. You gulp. Aim the silenced pistol you were given at the closest cultist. Then you fire. It isn’t a perfect shot. It goes through his leg and he tumbles to the floor. He is screaming but the other two have upped the pace. You take aim again and fire. The next one drops without a sound in a mist of red. The third cultist stops. He raises his shotgun. You take cover. He discharges the weapon into the wall and the pellets bounce off the wall harmlessly. You feel you are getting the hang of this. Looking around the corner you feel slightly disappointed that he is running away from you.

You move forwards from this wall to the next. This is progress you think. Then they start firing a machine gun at you and you dive for the closest thing you see that looks like cover. The training you remember consisted of firing ranges, simulated close quarters combat exercises and training drills. Very little of the training (although you cannot be quite certain right now as your memory is still fragmented) involved being shot at and the immediate action to be taken when you inevitably come into the situation. You go on instinct here. Duck and cover, then hope that the machine gun breaks or runs out of bullets. 

The person manning the machine gun appears to be enjoying himself. Every few seconds a burst of fire removes fragments of the dry stone wall. The bullets are close and you hear some of them whistle through the air. The gunner however has a steady rhythm to his firing. You remember that you have a mirror on one of the cargo pockets. You take it out and use it to peer round the edge of the wall. There is only him. His burst finishes. You jump over the wall and shoot him in the head. The way into the main building is clear now. You kick the flimsy wooden door from it’s hinges. You hear a thumping noise.

You are cold and cannot move. Your head aches with a dull throbbing sensation. Your face hurts. Opening your eyes you see that you are in a cellar. The thin light of sunset comes in through an opening in the wall near the ceiling. You work out why you are cold and cannot move. Directly ahead of you  is a man.  He is naked and strapped to a gurney. His right arm has a horrific gunshot wound and his groans occasionally break his possibly drug induced sleep.

Four sky clad people walk into the cellar. One of them has a demonic mask and a evil knife. Another, a drum made from wood with a tight white skin with tattoo ink blue Celtic markings on it. The other two are women who start dancing and chanting as soon as they enter the room. The drummer starts to hit his drum and the masked man you watch move to stand in front of the injured man blocking him from your view.

“For your intrusion onto hallowed ground we punish you,” the masked man shouts.
“For your intrusion onto hallowed ground we punish you,” the others repeat.
You watch the masked man drag the knife across the injured mans chest. Blood runs to the ground.
“For your violent ways we injured you,” the masked man shouts.
“So we shall injure you again!” The two dancers say.
The masked man pushes the knife into the injured mans gunshot wound.
He screams!
“We the children of the gods say you must die,” all of the cultists say.
The injured man screams one last time.
You see the masked man turn to you. 

You are sweating heavily now. That evil knife is covered in gore and the blank look of the masked man you feel hides a sadistic smile. The drumming man carries on his vile rhythm for the dancers to follow. You see a small ball shaped object role through the sunlight opening. It bounces on the stone floor of the cellar.
“For your intrusion,” the masked man starts to say. You close your eyes in terror.

You hear a deafening noise followed by chaotic screams and gunshot. You close your eyes even more. The ringing in your ears stops and you open your eyes. You try to speak and a desperate whimper is all you can summon. You see eight people in battle dress and black full face gas masks. One of them approaches you and slings his weapon over his shoulder. You watch him take his gas mask off.
“It will be alright. You’ve done your duty. You’ve exceeded our expectations. Let us help you,” he says.

This story was originally entered into the SFX Pulp Idol competition. It didn’t win (aw), didn’t get shortlisted and it didn’t even get an honerable mention. No matter I’m well aware of it’s deficencies and it was a tracer bullet. Oh well it’s a success if someone enjoys it.

Will.

It’s rare that I decide to comment on political matters, or politics in general. I find the entire subject fraught with philosophical dead ends and sand pits. Politics deals with handling the issues of large numbers of people by trying to make decisions that effect the masses while pleasing as many of them as possible. In short, a Sysiphean task of mind-bogglingly awful proportions that no one will ever do “right” no matter how great or wise they may be.

At the end of the day “Republican” and “Democrat” are just words. Just ideologies of people whose decisions may effect systems that do directly effect our lives, but do not run our lives any more than we allow them to do so. It’s the beauteous terror of what is still more or less a free country that our success, or failure, is still mostly within our own hands, and the hands of those we trust most. If those hands you trust most are those belonging to strangers in the national government, you should be prepared at any time for disappointment.

That said, I am now and always will be a cruel advocate for self-sufficiency and not living beyond one’s means. This does not mean separatism, rigorous self-denial, working one’s self to death, etc are the best or only options. That kind of pessimism comes from the blissful, privileged innocence in which most of us were raised.

The short version of that is: Fuck the system, take care of you and yours and things will probably turn out ok.

Despite my recent splurge on a new phone, and my recent decision to maintain my technicolor hair professionally, there are many aspects of my life related to spending and saving money that I don’t share. Most of those things consist of ways I cut corners, entire categories of Things I Simply Don’t Do Because They Cost Too Much(tm), and my recent commitment to agressive debt reduction and budgeting.

All that said, here are some articles from a terrific blog about getting a freaking grip on the root of all evil.

• Are You Worried About Today’s Economy?
• Five Tactics for Pursuing Voluntary Simplicity
• The New Thrift and Seduction by Debt
• Unit Pricing: Get More Food For Less Money

And an idea that I am getting more excited about the more I think about it: Buying into a local farm for fresh produce, eggs, meat, and dairy all year. (Or at least all spring, summer and fall!)

Just look at all the options for the area!
Who wants to buy in with me, when I figure out what the hell a “share” at a farm adds up to?

Admittedly, I’m an Internet n00b (does anyone even say that anymore?) Sure, I was chatting away with the best of ‘em on AOL in 1995, but it’s only within the last year (since I began work at an internet marketing company) that I’ve thought to embrace any browser other than Internet Explorer, any email client other than hotmail. I shudder to think that just a year ago, good ol’ IE held my hand while I traipsed naively through the interwebs, but, since then I feel I’ve taken strides, leaps, cross-country flights in the right direction; and today I’m proud to say that, Internet junkie or not, I am a bit of a Firefox whore.

I’m not web-developer. I can’t code (yet). I dabble in SEO but have barely scratched the surface. No, I’m just your average Internet user, and below is a list of the apps I like. Applications come and go, and I’ll admit, I try more than my fair-share. But, some add-ons stand their ground and prove useful and pleasant day in and day out– even, or perhaps especially, for the Internet n00b like me.

Interclue

Mouse over a link and, in the top right corner of the term an icon indicating the location appears. Wikipedia shows up as a small W, Newsweek as a red box with a white N, and so on. Mouse over this icon, and a window pops up where the contents of the link is displayed like its own separate page. It’s not just a preview. Most of the time the entire contents of the page will be given; a scroll bar down the right side if necessary.

There are actually several link-preview applications on Firefox, but I’ve found Interclue to be the least intrusive. Many pop-up with an unintentional mouse-over and stay-up, blocking half the page and contributing to my overall level of irritation (one that sits quietly in the background of my average workday.)

Cooliris

I love this photo and video viewer. Cooliris turns your browser into a 3-D screen for viewing photos, images and videos. From browsing a friend’s Facebook album, to searching for videos on you-tube, Cooliris is convenient, easy and fun to use. It also features a “discover” section, where images and videos of the latest news, sports, art and entertainment are posted. Click on the image and you’ll be taken directly to its source. Only one complaint: a right mouse-click won’t bring up the option to save the photo.

Twitterbar

Post to directly to Twitter from your address bar. Your 140 characters count down as you type, and a clicking a conveniently placed green arrow signifies you’re ready to post. The login window pops up to confirm so you don’t end up posting random urls every time you hit enter. Quick and easy!

Colorful Tabs

Simple and pretty. Colorful tabs makes each tab you bring up a different color. Nothing fancy, but a pleasant add-on that might help you organize your tabs while browsing.

Better Gmail 2

Better Gmail 2 is a fairly straightforward enhancement of the web-based mail client of the same name. The application offers new skins (my favorite is the Gmail redesign: complete redesign), file attachment icons and hierarchical labels.

So there you have it, the beloved apps of an internet newbie.

In the spirit of anarcho-capitalist-warm-fuzzy-anti-establishment (alright so that’s pushing it) consciousness expansion and technological empowerment, I am proud to announce the foundation of a series of meeting guaranteed to satiate your curiosity, tittilate your senses, and delight your sense of accomplishment. It’s an offshoot of NH Media Makers geared towards creating a fun learning environment for new technlogies.

The Location: Adelle’s Coffeehouse, 3 Hale St., Dover NH 03820

The Time: Sunday, October 5th 11am to 1pm - Date and Time unconfirmed! Watch this post for changes!
Meeting will officially start at 11:30 to give everyone time to mingle and get settled. Meeting may end earlier or run later than 1pm. Let me know if there are any conflicts here!

The Goal: To provide an open, informal, and comfortable learning environment for anyone who is interested in “new media”, specifically internet-based forms of media, and the systems and tools which make the newest forms of media run, Macs, Windows PCs, and *nix-based systems. If you don’t know the first thing about Macs, Windows PCs or what *nix even is, it’s ok. If using the formatting tools on your email program are intimidating, or if the term “formtatting tools” leaves you at a loss for words, that’s ok too.

Meeting #1: Intro to Blogging

This is for the person who says to themselves “I want to get my writing published on the internet, and I want it to look professional and attractive.” Or “How do I write things to put up on the internet?” Or “What the heck is a blog?”

For this meeting, I can and will personally commit to going over the basics of Wordpress, since I am most familiar with that. I will also go over some HTML 101 topics, which is critical for writers who wish to publish on the internet. I am looking for help for people who want to talk about other platforms, TypePad, Drupal, etc etc.

The only requirement for attending is a desire to learn more about computers and the internet. The requirement for presenting is to have something you want to share with others. That’s absolutely it.

Of course we’ll do our best to stick to one topic per meeting, to give all attendees the best introduction and help on each of the billion topics as possible.

I am also looking for is people who want to learn! Tell everybody and their brother who has ever wanted to publish something to the internet. Come find out how to run your very own blog, and help us decide what the most enticing topic of conversation is for the next meetup!

Future ideas include:

• HTML and CSS 101 - Don’t even know what CSS stands for? That’s ok! Learn the basics of HTML, XHTML and CSS, and get reference resources and practice ideas.
• Video meeting - From the basics of using your webcam to slap a video up on YouTube, to putting together or participating in a web series.
• Photography meeting - Photophiles share their favorite techniques, tips, and equipment recommendations. Figure out how to share your work, get noticed, and enjoy photography more.
• Podcast/audio meeting - Wonder what a podcast is? Want to know how to listen to them, even if you don’t have an iPod? Want to learn how to make audio to distribute via “podcast” or the internet? We’ll go over all that good stuff!
• Image editing - Ever wonder how the captions get on all those lolcats? Want to crop a photo so you can email it? There are all kinds of easy ways to edit images, and lots of folks to share their favorite techniques.
• M$ Alternatives - Don’t want to pay for licenses for the Inext generation of Microsoft Office or Outlook? That new version of AIM really making your computer choke? There are alternatives, and best of all… they’re 100% FREE.
• TV Alternatives - Don’t throw away your television, but do figure out how to make your home network, internet-based content and your TV circumvent your pricey cable bill.
• Windows 101 - Learn more about the system you might have been working with for years. What to turn off, what to keep on, how to maintain and support one of the most popular OSes in the world for the best possible experience.
• Mac 101 - Learn what it takes to make the most out of a system known for it’s sleek, artful presentation. It’s not just for artists and college students! Come see the real thing and learn how enjoyable and approachable the Mac OS can be.
• Linux 101 - No neckbeard required. It’s an open-source (community supported), lean, mean operating system. Linux may run some your favorite sites, but it can run your home computer in ways you might not have expected.

And that’s really just the list of topics I came up with in a short amount of time. There are probably a few dozen that could take up several meetings to cover the basics! Of course no one has to attend ALL meetings, and I’d encourage everyone to follow their passion and speak their mind. These meetings are meant for you, for me, and for anyone else who wants to attend. As I learned from the GI Joe cartoon: Knowing is half the battle. If you’re fighting with your concerns that you just “don’t get” computers, or code, or a specific kind of tech, it’s OK! Bring your questions, bring your lack of experience. We’re here to share!

So please, comment, email, tell a friend. We’ll be here, and we’d love to see you, too.

Note: I’d love to be able to webcast or record the instruction part of the session for future reference, anybody interested in helping with that, email me.

If someone reliable could tell me when in the future films would become solely based on finances it’d certainly save me the hassle of looking up articles on the Internet. If someone told me it would be next week I wouldn’t be shocked in the least since in it’s current state it’s just about at the point where it’s not about telling a story but a good way to rope in a few thousand people and scam them out of $10 because Will Smith pretends to act (I’ll get into that in just a moment.) As an up and coming independent film maker I have many issues of how things are dealt with in Hollyweird. To rattle of several quick ones — planning sequels months prior to the film’s release (it’s a half-cocked gesture mostly from the studios and regardless of how good you think it is or how profitable you believe it will become you must keep in mind the judgment of the public will have the real say), the MPAA and their rating system and advertising standards, 20th Century Fox (I’ll get into them later as well), studios pushing for PG-13 ratings for a wider audience (I don’t care what educational background you have but to try and make “Punisher: War Zone” PG-13 because “The Dark Knight” conveniently was and made a shit-ton of money doesn’t make it just. How can you make a man’s head exploding soft-core?), and painful “actors”. Let’s break it down, kids.

In case you haven’t noticed that for the last several years 20th Century Fox has prowled on modern celluloid like a drunk man in a bar or a 13 year-old white kid from Iowa who thinks he’s black, they think showing their cock will win affection. Wrong. Lately they’ve really been pouring gas on themselves. The bigger stunt recently is their lawsuit against Warner Bros. over upcoming comic book movie “Watchmen”. The studio claimed that Warner Bros. didn’t hold the rights to make the Alan Moore graphic novel or at least distribute the picture, never minding the fact that Warner Bros. owns DC Comics/Vertigo for which the graphic novel resides on.  So now they are currently in a legal battle to do either one of two things — make it so that Fox is the distributor (which can only mean they will ghastly edit the movie into a mind-numbing 90-minute feature that contains only the parts where there is fighting and shit blowing up with no intellectual transition) or to completely wipe the movie’s release date off the calendar completely, never releasing it. Though luckily given that the justice system moves about as fast as tree sap downhill in the winter the trial may not actually begin until January of 2009, a mere two months before it’s slated release date. Given that Fox has a tendency to shoot their wad like they know what they’re doing chances are (this is at least wishful thinking) the case will rule in Warner Bros.’s favor.

Another valid point that Fox has no idea what they are doing to tell a story visually is going around the creators to have it your way. This is unprofessional and also a dick move. One instance stated in the following article is on the upcoming “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” which tells the tale of how Wolverine came to be (Weapon X program, scrapes with Sabertooth, etc.) and needless to say a very dark tale which requires seemingly dark environments.  One such environment was changed without the director’s knowledge. What called for something “dark, dinghy and somber” was changed to something less depressing with lighter colors and cleaner textures. Now if in the correct fashion this can work in favor but unless you’re doing some “One Hour Photo”/”American Psycho” clean-looking thriller then you are a pussy of a film maker. Changing a set’s design to something more cheery (a colorful euphemism) is almost a denial of reality itself, thinking it can’t be this dark and disgusting when in truth it can be because it fucking is! You can’t cover a bald Kevin Spacey in Laffy Taffy and believe he just killed Brad Pitt’s girlfriend (if you can, please lower your dosage.)

Changing lanes here — YOU CAN’T PUT WILL SMITH IN EVERYTHING! Okay, chances are I’m blaspheming here but you know what I have to say this, why should I really give a shit about a movie because Will Smith is in it? Because conveniently 98% of the movies he’s done have raked in billions?  Will Smith isn’t that fantastic an actor. His barometer for character ranges from a good guy who says “fuck” a lot to a good guy who doesn’t say “fuck” at all. Occasionally he’ll mix it up and have the good guy be a bit of a dick or an arrogant douche but for the love of God just knock it off. It doesn’t matter how fantastic he seems you can’t cast him as “The Karate Kid” or Captain America, it’s wrong on every level imaginable to the sane. If I could ever afford his salary for a movie I’d have him play a serial killer who hardly speaks just to break the mold, and when he does speak it’s in a strange language. To help illustrate my point, whenever I see a movie that has Will Smith in it I know it’s Will Smith, I can’t believe he’s anyone else. I can believe Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne and Trent Reznik, I can believe Josh Hartnett as Slevin Kelevra and The Salesman, but you throw Will Smith into a role I’m gonna know it’s him regardless. Captain Hillard, Muhammad Ali, Jesus Christ, I’ll only think, “Oh, hey, Will Smith.” You may think I’m daft for uttering or even thinking such a thing but I’ve heard a similar tear about Christopher Walken and look at his fucking acting skills. (Inside joke: 111th biopic on Andy Warhol starring Chris Walken.)

A couple other mini-rants. If you’ve never been to Massachusetts or talked to someone from there for more than 20 minutes then it’s news to you that often people from their have a habit of shooting their mouth off. Mark Wahlberg is from Massachusetts, so for him saying that Max Payne could take down Batman in hand-to-hand combat makes sense coming from him but is ghastly offensive to the point where if I saw him in a pub I would shatter the closest bottle near me and jab it into his eye socket. First of all the two characters are miles apart, Payne wants revenge for his wife’s death while Bruce Wayne/Batman wants justice for them and others. And also dropping the obvious factor to play in, he’s fucking Batman. Imagine if you will a man standing before an expert martial artist who is performing a series of moves for intimidation and Joe Guy takes him down by jabbing him in the throat. And in the interview where he made this claim he mentioned it was strictly in the matter of fisticuffs, not the box office which shows even more delusion since if you’ve seen any previews for “Max Payne” you’d know that Fox has ruined another video game on the big screen. Well kids I’m putting out the ashes for now. My next piece will detail the new releases of Metallica’s “Death Magnetic” and Nine Inch Nails’ “The Slip”, and how the two contrast each other. See you on the other side, keep it sketchy.

=Sketch/Ed

Next week, as dictated by The Ad Contrarian, is SHUT THE FUCK UP WEEK. Or as he elects to (more diplomatically) call it “Worldwide No Blogging Week“. It’s intended to span August 25th through September 1st.

I for one, will be observing this. It just so happens that I’m taking this time off work as well, which means all the back end work I’ve intended to do on the site will become my top priority. Posting? Not so much. I can’t say for sure whether some of the other authors will elect to observe this textual moment of silence type event, but you won’t be hearing from me.

If you’re really upset at the prospect of a whole week’s silence, obviously you haven’t been here much, but in any case, you can keep an eye on my soup. I’ll be saving stuff to my soup all week for sure. This will provide you with many amusing images, video links, and brief textual anecdotes. YAY.If you have a soup or sign up for one, feel free to friend me. I’ll totally friend back, because the more the merrier.

Realistically, a week without blogging would be pretty refreshing, especially if everybody actually committed. Could you imagine? I can’t, actually. But the sentiment rings true.

So help me god if you kids don't stop fighting I'll turn this internet around right now.

Srsly though. Standby over the course of next week for serious site changes for RKNet. If you’d like to avoid visual crazytown, but still read stuff from the other authors, sign up for the Feed using the appropriate link at the top (or side if you’d like it in another language). KTHXBAI!

Today, while walking to work, the darnedest thing happened.

A shifty-eyed man with a sparse mustache approaches me, carrying a large package. He’s dressed like a UPS man, but his uniform is generic. No badge. No hat. Are those Chucks peeking out from below his pants?

“Hi miss…” he stutters, spit collecting in the corners of his mouth. “You, uh, you heading to the mills?”

“Yeah… I work there… can I help you with something?”

“Yeah, yeah you can,” he replies, handing me the package, his arms shaking, still not looking at me. His fingernails are torn. Two have caked blood around their edges.
“Can you take this to…” He pretends to check the label, though it’s clear from his trembling hands that he knows exactly where this box is going. “Can you take this to Gloria Blacke?”

“Uhm, sure I guess…” I respond, not from any desire to help the man, but because this guy with his white spittle and earthquake eyes is beginning to creep me out. That, and because I want to make sure that, whatever this is, the Ironbauchs has it.

The man nods, thanks me and quickly disappears around the corner. I stand on the sidewalk for a moment, bewildered, and then start on my way. I haven’t taken more than five steps before, I swear, the box starts to move. A ball inside perhaps? Rolling around? Throwing the box off balance? No, no it’s not a ball, because now the box is making noise. Wailing. Crying. What the hell is inside this thing? An animal? A dog?

Bang. Bang. Bang.

“Jesus Christ,” I think to myself. What the fuck have I gotten myself into? I set the package on the ground and use my ring to slice through the tape. Suddenly, something is gripping my fingers… a hand! Holy shit, a tiny fucking hand!

“It’s a goddamn baby…” I whisper, but, there is something off about this baby-hand. It is strong, slightly gnarled. It isn’t soft, like a baby’s hand should be. No, good god dammit, this isn’t a baby. I rip my hand free and back away from the box just as whatever’s inside hoists itself out.

“Please.” It speaks. Tiny plaid pants. Tiny glasses. Its voice high and strained. “Please,” It says again. Standing before me is a tiny, tiny man. His body is perfectly proportioned, but he can’t be more than two feet tall. Oh my god; he is a primordial dwarf.

“Holy Shit!” I say aloud. I want to say: “I saw a special on you guys on TV once! Man! You guys are freaking adorable!” But, I don’t say that. I just stand and stare at this little man. I picture him dancing a gig. Okay, I’m fucked up.

“Please, read this.” He squeaks, handing me a folded piece of paper. “Please, don’t take me there!”

I take the paper from him, and began to read.

“Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Heat butter in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Fry chops on each side until browned, about 3 minutes per side…”

“I don’t understand…” I said to the little man, though the pit iof my stomach is beginning to churn.

“Turn it over,” he tells me quietly. I’m impressed with his patience. I flip the page.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 tablespoon butter or margarine
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 4 cuts dwarf tenderloin
• 1 cup hot water

I actually laugh. I don’t know what else to do. I laugh! And then I look at the little man with his earnest eyes and trembling hands. I throw up on myself and on the recipe and on the torn cardboard box that my new friend is now standing behind.

“I wont take you there,” I tell him. But my head is already spinning. My hands shake- just like the man in the brown suit. Shit goes down when the Blacke One doesn’t get what she wants. Did anyone see me take that package? Does anyone know I’ve seen this little man? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Come on,” I say, taking his tiny hand. “Get back in that box. I’ll keep you safe…”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Good Afternoon,” the Blacke One grins at me, like a fox. She’s carrying a steaming plate from the kitchen. It smells delicious, buttery and sweet, golden chops glazed in brown sugar.

“I want to thank you for delivering my package today,” she says to me, her dark eyes locked on mine. She hands me the plate. “Here,” she says softly, “I made up a snack for you.”

Ordinarily, when I do a mixwit tape, I don’t just run with one artist, but I was listening to some Jonathan Richman and I discovered that I just couldn’t help but share my love for this inventive storyteller, musician, and big-hearted guy.

He is probably best known for his work with his first band, The Modern Lovers. He formed this band in late 60s, early 70s near Boston, Massachusetts.

His style is heavily influenced by his love for the Velvet Underground (another favorite of mine), and their stripped down, all-out, intense music.

But enough preamble! The music is what matters.

1. New Kind of Neighborhood
• An entertaining story about encountering a, well, new kind of neighborhood. The kind where people are free and happy. Not in that “we’ve thrown off the government” protest way, but in the way that suggests really encountering a different, close-knit community. Richman’s approach to lyrics is insightful and touching on a level that should really appeal to all but the most hardened cynics.
2. I Was Dancing in the Lesbian Bar
• Caution: potential ear worm! I have had the hook from this song stuck in my head more than once. Another entertaining tale about a night out on the town, and how much more fun it is to be able to just get up and dance.
3. New England
• As a New England native, and being the kind of guy he is, my guess is he just couldn’t resist talking up the area he calls home. Particularly relevant to me, as I’ve lived in New England myself for over ten years now!
4. You’re Crazy for Taking the Bus
• Might be crazy, but again his poetic observation doesn’t fail to really capture the essence of the journey, and strike a chord with anyone who has had a similar experience.
5. I’m Straight
• Not a reference to sexual orientation, but an inference that he can provide more engaging company than the competition for the object of his affections.
6. Satisfied Mind
• The first of 3 covers tacked onto this unique sampler. It also happens to be a favorite song of mine.
7. Back in the USA
• According to the intro to this track, this is originally a Chuck Berry song. So classic, and I love the background vocal harmonies. Also, check out that guitar sound. WHEEEEEW. I simply haven’t the words for it.
8. 96 Tears
• Originally by ? and the Mysterians. I love the gritty, haughty nature of the song, and the Modern Lovers (and Richman) really give it the treatment it deserves. You can also feel some serious Velvet Underground live recording sensibilities oozing through this track.

Enjoy!